Stupid Haloween?

[Jon P]

One thing that should help you is to get a hero. I'm sure you have heroes, fictional or non-fictional. Heroes can help you get through tough situations. Howard Roark, John Galt, Superman, or even someone real, such as a sports hero, or a historical hero (e.g. George Washington). Someone you can emulate. Dr. Bernstein has given lectures on heroism, so you might want to check out some of his work.

Awe inspiring heroes, who are fictional, but nonetheless who have admirable qualities. That’s a great idea, I remember feeling a little more high esteemed after reading a portion of a book that involved characters socializing in high society, or doing other things that I couldn’t normally do. I can admire these fictional characters, yes. But it's hard to integrate their superior qualities into myself longer than the one hour high I get, after reading. I think being who you are and being someone you want to be are two separate things, and there’s a Huge gap in between. Tthere are essential things I’m not realizing as you may have guessed, and maybe I’ll try to find a hero, as you mentioned, it sounds like it may work.

Once you have done that, put together a rational strategy to defeat the problem(s), and be dedicated to defeating it. Depending on what the problem is, it could take days, it could take months, or even years (not likely) to resolve, but at least you'll have a plan of attack. The point is to become proactive in your own improvement. Gain the tools necessary to defeat these kinds of problems. It even helps to be innovative about these things.

Days, months... years? I hope this is one of those days problems, months at most. Years would really kill me. A rational strategy seems the best way to approach this, but that's something I've never been good at putting together for the long run. As it was, things always seemed to fall into place, until recently that they all feel apart. Now the opportunities that used to appear in front of me, aren't anywhere in site. I need to orient myself. What kind of rational strategies do you suggest? How would I put something like this together? become proactive in your own improvement. I've tried these types of things, only to be let down that they were actually degenerating egotistical improvements. This isn't the real me.

Your attitude should be that you want to be the best you can be and don't accept anything from yourself but the best. Always work to get better and your experiences in life will continually get better.

Love this advice, but I'm still really stupid on the core concepts of self improvement. Some examples would be nice. Thank you so much.

Anyway, those are my two cents on this subject.

Including your advice, collectively, I have roughly 6 cents. SO you see, i need Dollars of knowledge in all these aspects of life. I'm real lost at times, otherwise I wouldn't be writing these posts. thank you again.

[Jon P]

School is a structured environment where the "rules of engagement" are more or less accessible to anyone. (Plus, EVERYONE is a dork in high school, so everyone has something in common.) So, you can always go out and join in some structured activities and see what you get. Personally, I find this difficult, because in groups with some kind of pre-existing internal structure there will be an "awkward" period of varying duration where you don't know the rules so you're fumbling quite a bit. Unless I really want to belong to the group for the activity they're pursuing I usually don't bother with it.

That pretty much sums it up.

Outside of structure, I know few people that will just spontaneously socialize with other people. Personally, it used to creep me out a LOT when someone I've never met just started talking to me, but I've actually learned to do it myself. About 50% of the time you'll get rebuffed, in which case you can just shut up and move on. About the other 50% of the time I have an enjoyable (albeit brief and probably not-too-deep) conversation, and if I happen to run into them again, I get preferential treatment. It actually landed me a part-time job for a while. I was such a regular at the place I used to eat that the manager would stop and chat with me. I was practicing not giving people the cold shoulder, so I was friendly enough. When I needed some extra money I asked if he was looking for people and he hired me on the spot, no questions asked.

This is probably the only way to make friends. I've tried it, and it does work. The problem is though, if I don't get rebuffed 50% of the time, there is still a 90% probability that I won’t be able to sustain the conversation. And mind you, the only time we factor in these odds, is when we initially have the 1% probability of me actually trying to talk to someone. I still have the problem of responding to what they're saying, staying on topic, and remaining interested while not becoming numb, and walking away with an uneasy sense self. Its just the flexible social dynamics that I really lack. Granted, there are times I have great conversations, but most of the times, I can’t utilize my social nature because of anxieties, emotions, insecurities, lack of trust, plus many other things I may and may not be aware of.

[JMeganSnow]

The problem is though, if I don't get rebuffed 50% of the time, there is still a 90% probability that I won't be able to sustain the conversation. And mind you, the only time we factor in these odds, is when we initially have the 1% probability of me actually trying to talk to someone.

Conversations with strangers usually won't continue on past a few sentences anyway (and usually they are, "can you believe this weather?!" "I know, it's been raining for 4 days!" "My hair is soaked!" "That's too bad."), that's perfectly normal. So, the thing to work on is increasing that 1% of the time that you try to talk to people. Exchange a few sentences with the clerk at the coffee shop, or the teller at the bank, or your waiter at a restaurant. The trick is to talk with people where you know you might encounter them again, such as when they're at work, or at a regular social function, that sort of thing. After you've spoken to them briefly once, you can do it again when you see them later.

I don't really have any in-person friends, but I get along well with pretty much everyone that I know. If you do something interesting (apply for a new job, visit a new restaurant, get your car fixed, go to a movie, read a new book, buy new clothes, go shopping, etc.) just tell one of your "acquaintances" about it . . . if you point out even a few oddities it can spin off into a lengthy and interesting conversation. If you find you have a number of things in common, try to get together for some activity, and voila you've got a new friend.

If you find you're bored, numb, or not tracking the conversation you're probably just talking with people that don't share any of your values. Of course, if you have and know your own values, that kind of helps. Even people that bore me occasionally bring up something that interests me and then we can talk.

Additional thought: okay, why exactly do I think I'm socially inept?

[Jon P]

Conversations with strangers usually won't continue on past a few sentences anyway (and usually they are, "can you believe this weather?!" "I know, it's been raining for 4 days!" "My hair is soaked!" "That's too bad."), that's perfectly normal. So, the thing to work on is increasing that 1% of the time that you try to talk to people. Exchange a few sentences with the clerk at the coffee shop, or the teller at the bank, or your waiter at a restaurant. The trick is to talk with people where you know you might encounter them again, such as when they're at work, or at a regular social function, that sort of thing. After you've spoken to them briefly once, you can do it again when you see them later.

This is really good advice. I’ve tried making small talk and it has worked very well a few times. I've already tried a lot of the things you mentioned, and have made some slight improvements. Things like walk past a group of people, or not shift to the side when someone is walking toward me. Even started sitting next to people in the front of the bus, instead of walking to the far back right hand corner. Last night I also made an impression on a waitress while eating with my friends. Of course, after I ordered, the atmosphere seemed to turn against me. My two friends who were laughing with me moments before, suddenly made a social bubble between the two of them and excluded me from the discussion. They began talking about teenage things, looking at photographs, and making negative observations about the people in the photos. I think this goes to show that I don't share their values as you mentioned.

I was unable to butt in on their conversation, and even when I attempted to, it really seemed they didn't want me to. They gave me unnecessary looks, as if I appeared to be thinking thoughts about them, like I thought they were stupid or something. They often assume I'm thinking certain things by looking at my eyes, when in reality, I'm simply not thinking anything. They say things like, “Haha, Jon P is thinking that I’m…” or “Go on, say what you were ganna say...” I wasn’t ganna say anything, wasn’t even thinking. I really wasn't thinking anything but how uncomfortable I was, and how great it would be if they would stop excluding me from their conversation.

Anyway, they went on and on about people and their flaws, people, who in fact, I find very interesting. I felt a little more at ease knowing that they didn't like being around these reasonably funny people, who I woudn't find anything wrong with. But nonetheless, they had me convinced that there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t penetrate their discussion, or so much as remain at ease. I couldn’t help but think it was me, is it me? When the waitress returned smiling, I didn’t have anything clever to say anymore. My friends infectious aura had gotten to me. The reminded me that I have anxieties, and they can control me if they want. I was not happy at all, and I just wanted to go home.

I don't really have any in-person friends, but I get along well with pretty much everyone that I know.

I do have some, but I don't particularly get along with all of them, all of the time. I usually find refugee in the few people who share philosophical beliefs with me, and who can think outside the buns. I haven't talked with one of these types of people, in over three years.

If you find you're bored, numb, or not tracking the conversation you're probably just talking with people that don't share any of your values. Of course, if you have and know your own values, that kind of helps. Even people that bore me occasionally bring up something that interests me and then we can talk.

It's just negative people who i really have problem with. Thanks for the advice. I think I'll compile a list of my values so I can recall them, and throw them at people when they're making me feel vulnerable. Well, it would be good to recognize them anyway. I do know what my values are, when a situation calls for me to conjure them up.

Additional thought: okay, why exactly do I think I'm socially inept?

I think you just Understand things.

[Thales]

Awe inspiring heroes, who are fictional, but nonetheless who have admirable qualities. That’s a great idea, I remember feeling a little more high esteemed after reading a portion of a book that involved characters socializing in high society, or doing other things that I couldn’t normally do. I can admire these fictional characters, yes. But it's hard to integrate their superior qualities into myself longer than the one hour high I get, after reading.

Just aspire to go in the direction of your heroes. Your concrete goals will most likely not be the same as any particular hero, but you general approach could be the same.

I think being who you are and being someone you want to be are two separate things, and there’s a Huge gap in between.

Quite true and that's the value of having heroes. You can work to close that gap. To actually achieve the status of hero is monumental and while that would be great, the real point is to simply move in that direction and become better tomorrow than you are today. Incremental improvement is the key.

Days, months... years? I hope this is one of those days problems, months at most. Years would really kill me.

It's the incremental improvement idea. You will slowly get better, so that you will feel yourself gaining more control over your life over that span of time. So, it wouldn't kill you. It'd empower you.

I'm no expert on the matter, but I would think the years long is for a more serious problem than anything you may have.

A rational strategy seems the best way to approach this, but that's something I've never been good at putting together for the long run. As it was, things always seemed to fall into place, until recently that they all feel apart.

By writing things down you can observe and plan. Improvement is a constant life long effort, anyway. Life is thought and effort.

Now the opportunities that used to appear in front of me, aren't anywhere in site. I need to orient myself. What kind of rational strategies do you suggest?

Hmm, as I'm not you and know little about you, that's very hard to say.

I'm not sure the scope of the question you're asking.

However, the first thing I would say from the stand point of your entire life is you need a career. Not a job, a career. Film making, medicine, engineering, whatever inspires you and you think you would love. Pursue it with everything in you. Build a massive knowledge base and understanding of that field. Keep building that knowledge base. This will give lots of meaning to your life.

Once you have a career thought out, live life as an achiever, a value pursuer. Every waking moment live as an achiever, and always work toward achieving your greatest values. The smaller values will fall in place after that. You'll need to train yourself to be this way, since there no on/off switch.

That's the big picture. The small picture is the specific problem you mentioned visa via the kids on Halloween. I don't know concretely what made you behave as you did, but I'm sure you do. You must have some ideas. Write down what is giving you the problem, and strengthen yourself against it.

Maybe the problem is you don't like your speech. I'm just making this up since I don't know specifics. Well, if that's the case, you'd work to improve your speech. I know of a story of an ancient Greek orator who had a speech impediment. He came up with a method where he'd put marbles in his mouth and practiced speech and over time (probably years) he became a great speaker. I don't know exactly how this worked. However, it seemed to do the trick for him.

It's no different, really, than someone practicing to shoot baskets so that they become better at shooting, or practicing an instrument so that they become better at playing.

How would I put something like this together? become proactive in your own improvement.

Think then act. Think to set goals and deadlines, then act to attain those goals and deadlines. If you can't achieve them, then change them so that you can. If they're too easy to attain, change them so that they're more difficult. The goals and deadlines should challenge you so that you are improving, but not be so challenging that you don't see progress.

Write down your key weaknesses, and do your best to reduce them or obliterate them. Write down your key strengths and build them up even more.

So, for instance, if there were a speech problem, you'd write atop a piece of paper "Voice", then beneath it, improve enunciation of ‘R’s and ‘T’s. Write down several difficult 'R' words and ‘T’ words. Give say, at least 15 minutes per day to the problem. You would say the words over and over again to improve your enunciation. While you're pronouncing the words you should continually be breaking the problem down to determine better approaches as you go. In other words, you innovate as you learn more about the problem.

Now, that's only one example of a concrete specific problem, but it gives you a basic idea of how you might approach things.

I've tried these types of things, only to be let down that they were actually degenerating egotistical improvements. This isn't the real me.

I'm not sure what you mean by this. Anything that improves your ability to survive and prosper is to the good.

Love this advice, but I'm still really stupid on the core concepts of self improvement. Some examples would be nice. Thank you so much.

Including your advice, collectively, I have roughly 6 cents. SO you see, i need Dollars of knowledge in all these aspects of life. I'm real lost at times, otherwise I wouldn't be writing these posts. thank you again.

I hope the example helped.

Frankly, this is a huge subject, and so I'm only giving you the tip of the ice berg.

I hesitate a bit to do this, but there is a book by Nathaniel Branden, "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem", which may help you. Branden is a bit of a flake on philosophy, but that book I found to be pretty good. Also, I believe that Edwin Locke has some good books on goal setting.

[Jon P]

Thanks for spending the time. I've learned a lot from this thread, thanks.