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I've been dumped by an objectivist

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My girlfriend recently dumped me. I think it's probably the best thing for both of us but it still hurts, especially now that I'm analyzing the relationship to try and see what happened and to learn from it. I'm not sure if she ever really loved me. I think maybe she was lying to me most of the time, only because she was lying to herself as well.

I've never really considered myself an objectivist. I've never really considered myself anything before. She introduced me to objectivism. Of all the philosophies I've been exposed to, objectivism seemed to be most inline with my already held, though perhaps a bit nebulous at times, value system. I haven't really looked at this site much before except when she would look at it on my computer. Now I've got an account and I'm looking through these forums. I'm pretty sure I'm drawn here for answers either because I'm looking for a logical, rational solution to the pain and dilemmas that are now plaguing me, or because I'm trying to replace the objectivist content in my life that was previously filled by her. It's probably both. I think I really do appreciate objectivism on it's own merit though.

There are so many things about her and about our relationship that I want to cherish, that I want to remember fondly, even if they didn't hold the same value for her. I don't want to wind up repressing, but I also want to move on. I just don't quite know how to move on after something that, I felt, was so meaningful. I want to concretize my values and regain sight of what's real and what matters. I think this upheaval has forced me to recognize my lack of a strong and well defined set of values and perceptions. I feel 'fractured' as she used to say. I now have so may thoughts and feelings bouncing around in my head. I think it'll be a daunting task to sort them all out. I'm certain that my starting point should be the objectivist philosophy, however. Whatever else I may now be completely unsure of, I've always been a big fan of reason.

I think I'll get a copy of fountainhead. I started reading it when we began dating and I want to finish it. It just seemed hard to get through and I had a lot of other things to deal with then. I know I haven't asked a specific question here or anything. Just writing this down is making me feel a little better even if I don't post it.I'm curious to get an outside opinion on all of this though, and from what I've read here so far I think the opinions I'll garner here will be the most useful in helping me figure things out. Let's bring on the harsh objective reality.

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I'm sorry to hear you've lost someone you so obviously cared about. There really isn't much you can do about the pain - you loved her, you lost her, it's going to hurt. However, knowing that it's probably best for both of you will likely be your main support, as logic and reason always help, even against pain. That's not to say it's going to go away quickly, but if you know the reasons for it, and you know it will end, it will be bearable.

One thing that has helped me in the past is to remember that 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'. Even though it's incredibly cliched, I've found it's true - I shudder to think how empty a large portion of my life would have been without the guy I shared it with. Although it hurt when we broke up, it had to be done - we had fundamentally different philosophies, and neither one of us was going to change. I will always treasure the time we spent together, and the pain is gone now - that really does just take time. Another thing that will probably help is not dwelling on her or on your relationship - move on, if you can, and if you can't, do it anyways. If you find yourself thinking about her, smile as you remind yourself you had a good relationship but that it ended for a reason, and then get back to whatever you were doing.

I'm glad you think you like Objectivism (it's a capital O, btw, and you might get flak for that if you don't pay attention to it) for what it offers, and not just because it was something your girlfriend enjoyed. Becoming involved in it for that second reason would probably cause you more pain, but as it stands, it sounds like it will help.

The Fountainhead is a great book to start with; Atlas Shrugged is the other well-known Rand novel, and it is at least as good as Fountainhead, if not better. I highly recommend both - but then, you'd be hard-put to find someone here who doesn't like them.

Welcome to the forum, and just so you know, being here doesn't mean you have to be an -ist if you don't want to be. Saying you're an Objectivist wouldn't make you one anyways - I prefer to simply be as objective as I can, and leave it at that.

~Megan

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Welcome to the forum.

Pain and confusion after a loss are natural and automatic; if you didn't hurt when you lost something, then it was never a value to you to begin with. Objectivism isn't necessarily going to help you with emotional distress, but it helped me, at least, discover that pain isn't important; it's the things that you value that are important . . . because your life and happiness are important.

Your capacity to value, your life, and your potential for happiness are not and need not be diminished, so all that remains for you to do is to look at your pain, understand it, and put it aside, remind yourself of the life and potential that still exist and always have. Do it often enough, and it becomes a habit to acknowledge this particular pain and then dismiss it from your attention. Eventually, it won't take any effort whatsoever, and the pain will be gone.

I have a problem, personally, with not looking before I leap when I fall in love, and it's always painful when I realize that I wasn't seeing the picture accurately and I've invested more in the relationship than I should have. Oh, well . . . your ability to judge with precision increases with experience, at least as far as I've noticed. You've seen the clues before, so you know where they lead.

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It is "interesting" to see people complain about emotional pain in this situation.

Here is a metaphore to illustrate my point.

Let's say you've been very bad to one of your teeth. Whatever you wanted to achieve, your actions were irrational towards the health of that tooth. At some point, tooth structure gave out, and the denstist had to do something about it, something that involved some aftermath pain.

Would you complain about such pain? And if so, how? Compare it to your current pain. What would be the difference in complaining? What would be the difference in your view towards it? Would you find both equally deserving?

Physical pain is not different from emotional. You can't fix it in an instant, and make it go away. Whatever and however you did it, you caused problems to yourself, now you are paying for it.

From this point on, you have a choice again: ignore or learn from the mistake.

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Olex, it was not my intention to come off as complaining. I merely wanted to state the fact that it hurt as I would do if describing a dental experience and my following condition to someone. You're right, complaining makes no difference and the pain cannot be dealt with instantly. I suppose I'm more interested in the pitfalls of my situation. I don't want to forget or destroy or ignore all the things about our relationship that I found wonderful but I also know I cannot dwell on what's happened or spend time thinking something foolish like one or both of us might change and we could get back together. Really, I must find a point between complete erasure and total obsession without falling into one or the other. I like what you said JMeaganSnow. I can acknowledge the pain and put it aside. I think thats the best way for me to move on without repressing or bottling things up.

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Olex, it was not my intention to come off as complaining. I merely wanted to state the fact that it hurt as I would do if describing a dental experience and my following condition to someone. You're right, complaining makes no difference and the pain cannot be dealt with instantly. I suppose I'm more interested in the pitfalls of my situation. I don't want to forget or destroy or ignore all the things about our relationship that I found wonderful but I also know I cannot dwell on what's happened or spend time thinking something foolish like one or both of us might change and we could get back together. Really, I must find a point between complete erasure and total obsession without falling into one or the other. I like what you said JMeaganSnow. I can acknowledge the pain and put it aside. I think thats the best way for me to move on without repressing or bottling things up.

A major "pitfall" that I have seen a number of people make in a situation like yours is to search endless for an answer to why the other left. If you did something particularly egregious(cheating, abuse,etc) then the answer is obvious as to why she left. If, rather, it is a number of emotional and psychological factors, it might be harder and most probably not possible to discern. If this is something you experience, two things seem to help.

1) If she is not always explicitly reasonable in her decision making process(and few people are) then you will notice that you are looking for reasons for a sometimes 'unreasonable' person's decision. Not likely to succeed

2) Two people can be great people and still bad for one another. I personally have made this mistake of believing that a similiarity of philosophy was enough when it is probably more important that you actually like each other. The response of an individual's sense of life can diverge greatly from their explicitly held philosophic beliefs. If you believe that you fit the bill for her, then it is likely that her implicitly held desires and what she says she wanted were in conflict.

I asked just asked my more eloquent brother how you should get over this girl. He says "what you need is a new piece of 'butt' ".(he used a different word) Unfortunatly he is only right in the loosest sense of the word. I would suggest putting a great deal of energy into something else. Make work or a hobby your rebound relationship. Otherwise all of that time you usually spend with your girlfriend will be spent sitting around and dwelling on the whatmighthavebeens. To be clear, I don't mean bury it all away and stop introspection. Just introspect while you take up underwater basket weaving. It's a bit less obsessive that way. Probably more likely to come to more correct answers about such abstract issues when not focused on it in the linear way that dwelling involves.

Hope that helps,

Best of luck

Gordon

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Physical pain is not different from emotional. You can't fix it in an instant, and make it go away. Whatever and however you did it, you caused problems to yourself, now you are paying for it.

From this point on, you have a choice again: ignore or learn from the mistake.

Well, that's silly. It is wrong to assume that any emotional pain he is experiencing is necessarily a result of a mistake he did, neglect, etc'. It takes a lot for two people to be (romantically) right for each other.

What is the reason why you consider a romantic relationship to be the same as nurturing a tooth?

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My ex and I spent 6 years together and had two children, so when we split up, it was very hard to take and much drinking was involved. The mutual consensus between us was that we liked each other but could not live with each other, it just didn't work. I was lucky enough to find the best wife in the world and life has moved on, but my ex and I are still friends, and it wasn't until about a year after our split that we could actually start looking at what went wrong without being emotional about it. While there are things to point to, we still just come to the conclusion that it didn't work out. Sometimes the devil is in the details, just enjoy the good of what you had and learn from anything apparent of what went wrong, but don't let it define you. If we had not split I'd never have found the much better relationship I'm in now.

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What is the reason why you consider a romantic relationship to be the same as nurturing a tooth?
I don't consider it. This was not a direct comparison. It was a metaphor to express outcomes from going against reality.
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My girlfriend recently dumped me. I think it's probably the best thing for both of us but it still hurts, especially now that I'm analyzing the relationship to try and see what happened and to learn from it. I'm not sure if she ever really loved me. I think maybe she was lying to me most of the time, only because she was lying to herself as well.

What was she lying about?

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