Girlfriend struggling

[tnunamak]

My girlfriend is a junior majoring in chemistry, one of the more difficult majors at my school, which is itself fairly challenging school. For the last year she has been working as a residential assistant (basically staff for her dorm hall) to get a free room, since her parents stopped paying for school (that's another story). This consumes a lot of her time but from her perspective she doesn't have much of a choice because she thinks it's too late to transfer to another school and she wants to graduate and go to grad school. Since getting into upper level classes, she has been getting lower grades when she sees other people around her still managing everything effectively. She spends a lot of time studying, and even when she feels like she has covered everything and feels confident about a test, she gets a disappointing grade on it. This has been happening consistently for the past two semesters. The school is small, and as one of its advantages, professors having office hours during which people can stop by is emphasized as a good resource for doing well in their classes. When she asks her professors how she can do better on the next test, etc, they tell her to study more, when in reality she has studied more than most people.

She thinks she just can't grasp the necessary concepts from her classes and thinks she made a mistake by coming her. She thinks that she is dumb and her self esteem has been falling.

She is also finding that she doesn't like most of the people at the school (with an obvious exception ), but instead of not giving them much thought like I tend to do, she feels like she "has to deal with them" and she doesn't want to, whatever that means exactly.

I think the killer is that she is losing her motivation. She says she would love chemistry if she didn't feel like every test grade she had was a big "You're stupid!," but she still says she might have made the wrong decision about coming here and picking her major. She is constantly questioning herself.

What options does she have? Where should she start to solve the problem? How can I help her specifically?

Thanks!

[Inspector]

If all the professors have to say to a struggling student is "study more," then you need to raise holy hell. They're not doing their jobs. During their scheduled office hours they should be available to explain concepts to her if she doesn't understand them. Remember, you are the customer and are paying for a service.

Remind them of this and if they still tell you to go pound sand, then take it to the dean.

[JMeganSnow]

This sounds much like the situation I'm in currently with my career: the stress from work is causing me to fail at other things I'd like to be doing (diet/exercise and writing) so I fell overall like I'm trying to run on quicksand and not get anywhere. It feels like the problem is that there's too much on your plate, but the real difficulty is that you've got the wrong thing on your plate instead. I notice, personally, that I spend a lot of time explaining that I'm really busy when, in fact, I just can't get anything done because I can't focus.

It sounds like your gfriend is doing about the same thing: working a lot but not getting anything out of it, because her work isn't energizing her, it's draining her. I don't know her well enough to say what kind of work would be an improvement in her situation, but something that's a serious change of pace/direction might be a good thing to start looking.

I know from experience that it can seem like you're trapped into a specific plan for college, but it doesn't have to be like that. You can take a year or more off for personal development.

[Alethiometry]

It sounds like your girlfriend and I have similar problems.

When I was a senior majoring in chemistry at ASU, I was the president of my fencing club, worked 20 hours a week, and was involved with two research groups on top of taking a ridiculous amount of classes. I studied as hard as I could given all the other demands on my time. Eventually, what studying I was doing didn't cut it and I felt like an idiot. I thought many of the things your girlfriend thought and I lost my motivation. The consequences were less than desirable and I'm still dealing with them today.

I realize now that the best thing I could have done for myself was to quit doing everything else and focus all my mental energy on my studies. I should have quit my job and gotten more student loans instead. I should have put all I had into my studies.

I wasn't, and I'm not, crippelled in terms of mental ability or IQ. Emotionally, I was a complete mess. Maybe your girlfriends emotions are overcoming her ability to use her mind to its fullest potential. If that's the case, find the root of the emotional problem and fix it. I notice you said "She thinks she's dumb". Maybe she isn't, maybe she just thinks she is.

One of my favorite Thrice songs has a great line in it: "How will I know limits from lies if I never try?" I cut myself off at the knees emotionally so I wouldn't have to know my limits. I was scared to find out exactly how smart I was and what the limits of my abilities are. Maybe she's destroyed herself by having all these negative emotions because she doesn't want to know exactly what the limits of her abilities are. You can always say "if only I had motivation, I could make an A on this test" when you're really not motivated because you don't want to know the true extent of your mental abilities.

Having attended two different universities for chemistry as an undergrad, I've found out that classes at one university can be infinitely easier than at another, even if both programs are ACS certified and the class titles are the same. I used to study quantum mechanics like hell at ASU and make terrible grades. Now I have a teacher who actually explains how to use the equations that will be on our tests and it's made a world of difference. Having someone explain things to you in a way you can understand on a deep, fundamental level makes a world of difference in undergraduate chemistry classes. I've tutored a few kids who think they understand things, but when pressed, do not. However, once I explain things to them in a way they understand, they've improved significantly on tests. Finding someone to study with or finding a tutor can make a huge difference in your test grades too. In chemistry especially, studying more isn't necessarily studying effectively.

Does your girlfriend have problems with one particular professor or one particular type of class? I love biochemistry and inorganic and organic chemistry. However, quantum mechanics and physical chemistry are no fun for me. I take the classes in the types of chemistry I don't like and realize I just have to get through it, even though I don't like it. I realize I have to get through it so I can get an undergraduate degree and go on to get a job and go to graduate school. Once I look at the big picture, I feel better because I know the drudgery can't last forever. One day I'll be free of the types of chemistry that bore me and I'll be able to do interesting, fun chemistry all day.

I'm sorry if my thoughts on this don't make sense or are disjointed. It's not something I talk about often, or at all.

[Spooky]

My thoughts probably won't lend much value to the discussion given my youth in this forum, but I am in a similar boat as well. I'm a pharmacy student and have rather suddenly had a hard time keeping things together. It's something of a vicious cycle, because the worse you do, the more you feel like an inadequate failure, the more the pressure builds, the more energy you spend. Adding work and any form of a relationship to the pile certainly doesn't help much.

I really wish I had a solution to suggest, but I'm looking for it myself. It's frustrating because I know, like your girlfriend, I spend more time on effective studying than most in my class. I've got more experience than most of them, too. So what gives? Or what is there left to give?

I despise the feeling of just hoping to survive, but that's where it's left.

[Febod]

To anyone who is really struggling with something like school, i suggest taking adderall or some other stimulant/study aid until you get yourself back on track.

Drugs are a crutch for the mind, and should be used just like you would use a crutch if you broke your leg.

[non-contradictor]

I was in a similar situation a year ago. I was trying to do a lot of things and it felt like I could never keep up with all of them.

I find that when I get very stressed I tend to let things like eating and sleeping suffer. That just turned it into a very vicious cycle, because my concentration goes straight out the window when I don't eat properly. Sleeping is another story. I'm still working on that one.

My point is, the first thing to do is to make sure she's taking care of herself. I was shocked and pretty apalled when I realized how much better I did on tests when I swapped the pop tarts for some yogurt. Even if she feels like there's never enough time, skipping lunch to study isn't going to solve anything.