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Marty McFly
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there was a guy named Rudolf and he, with his wife, visited a communist in the winter. it was drizzeling sleet outside.

Rudolf said, "look it's snowing!"

the communist said, "no, it's raining"

Rudolf's wife was rolling her eyes as the two were arguing for an hour about weather it's raining or snowing. finally she told her husband, "Rudolf, the red knows rain, dear!"

Edited by Marty McFly
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there was a guy named Rudolf and he, with his wife, visited a communist in the winter. it was drizzeling sleet outside.

Rudolf said, "look it's snowing!"

the communist said, "no, it's raining"

Rudolf's wife was rolling her eyes as the two were arguing for an hour about weather it's raining or snowing. finally she told her husband, "Rudolf, the red knows rain, dear!"

I have heard that one before - but I think it is a very good one.

Here's an old Russian joke - I think it pre-dates the Russian Revolution but it is very appropriate and gives a good insight as to why things in that country have been and continue to be the way they are:

A Russian peasant was working in his field and discovered a very old bottle. He opened the bottle up and out came a genie. The genie thanked him for letting him out and told the peasant that he would be granted one wish. He could wish for anything in the world he wanted and he would get it. There was, however, one catch: whatever he wished for, his neighbor would receive the same thing but double. Thus if the peasant wished for one million rubles, his neighbor wold receive two million rubles.

The peasant thought about it for a moment and replied: "I wish it would rain pig manure all over my property."

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Oh my goodness! that's terrible! lol no wonder it became a communist country! (every joke has some truth to it - the truth of the culture in russia, I guess)

here's another one that I just heard(I'm collecting communist jokes)

During communist Russia a guy managed to escape and he wanted to keep in touch with his family. However, all the letters were being censored. The family made adeal: all the true things will be written in black ink, all the things written in red ink are a lie.

so the guy waits and waits for a letter but nothing....

a long time later, he finally receives a letter in black ink full of only positive things. the guy was so happy that his family (and everyone in Russia) was finally not starving, until he read the last sentence in the letter: "in the whole country, I could not find a single red pen."

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One day, Stalin wanted to see what the common Russian thought of him, so he disguised himself in old working clothes and went to a proletariat bar after working hours. He sat next to a group of miserable looking men, and asked one "What do you think of Comrade Stalin?" The man glanced around nervously, then said, "Follow me."

Stalin followed the man to the edge of the woods, then deep into the woods, while all the time the man glanced nervously around. Finally, Stalin and the man got so deep into the woods that they couldn't see anyone else around. The man whispered in Stalin's ear "I rather like Comrade Stalin."

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A reporter approached an old man in Russia and asked him where he was born. "St. Petersburg", the man replied. The reporter then asked where the man had grown up. "Petrograd." And where he lived now? "Leningrad." And where did he want to die? "St. Petersburg."

(This joke is only funny if you know that Petrograd and Leningrad are alternative names imposed on St. Petersburg by the Communists at various times.)

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Let's see....

1) A group of Russian smugglers and a group of Polish smugglers simultaneously find a treasure right on the border. After many hours of arguing over who has a right to it, the Russina leader says "Look, we'll split it like good Socialists."

"Never!" replies the Polish leader. "Either we split it fifty-fifty or we fight!"

2) Q: A plane carrying Stalin, Beriya and Molotov crashes into the Black Sea. There are no survivors. Who is saved?

A: The Russian people

3) Ivan Ivanovich walks into the office of his local Soviet to beg permission to emigrate to the West. The Komissar questions him:

"Do you not like your, job, Ivan?"

"I can't complain," replies Ivan.

"Are you not satisfied with your rations?"

"I can't complain."

"Are you not satisfied with your life?"

"I can't complain."

"Then why the hell do you want to live in the West."

"Because in the West, tovarisch, I can complain."

4) During a diplomatic conference, a young reporter happens to overhear Molotov's side of a consultation with Stalin. He hears Molotov say, over and over "Da, Comrade Stalin! Da, Comrade Stalin!" as the reporter grows bored, however, Molotov suddenly says "Nyet, Comrade Stalin! Nyet! Nyet! Nyet!"

Overcome with curiosity, the reporter throws away all caution and asks Molotov what he said no to Stalin for and so strenuously.

"Oh, that," says Molotov. "Comrade Stalin asked whether I disagreed with a single word he'd said."

5) When Lenin dies, an unexpectedly Liberal God is unsure what to do with him. So He decides to allow Lenin into Heaven for two weeks and see how that works. It doesn't work well at all. No matter how good things are in Heaven, Lenin keeps trying to organize a revolution. Deciding one Lucifer was quite enough, God sends Lenin to Hell.

Time passes, and God fails to receive even one complaint from Hell. Puzzled, He calls Hell to find out how things are going with Lenin. A voice on the other side of the line answers the call "The Soviet Socialist Republic of Hell, how may I direct your call?"

6) Two Soviet soldiers are out patrolling Moscow, when one of them suddenly raises his rifle and shoots a citizen.

"Why'd you do that for?" demands his partner.

"Past curfew," says the soldier who took the shot.

"What? It's no curfew for another thirty minutes yet!"

"Da, but he was my neighbor. No way he'd make it home in time."

7) One day in the Kremlin, Gromyko brings up a delicate point with Brezhnev:

"You know, Comrade General Secretary," Gromyko says tentatively, "it might help our image problem if we lifted the Iron Curtain for, say, one week."

"A week!" Brezhnev replies in astonishment. "Have you lost your mind, Comrade Foreign Minister? If we did that, we'd be the only people left in the Soviet Union!"

"What do you mean, "we," Comrade?"

8) During tense negotiations over grain shipments, George Shultz tells Andre Gromyko, "Look, we are willing to let grain shipments through, but we need a few concessions."

"All right. What do you need?"

"To begin with, one hundred merchant ships. We'll distribute them to third World countries."

"Done," says Gromyko.

"Also, a few million tons of coal at cost."

"No problem."

"And fifty bicycles."

"I'm afraid that's out of the question."

"Why?"

"The Poles don't make bicycles."

9) Ivan and Andre are talking:

"Tell me, Ivan, who came up with Communism, a scientist or a politician?"

"A politician, Andre."

"It figures. A scientist would have tried it on mice first."

(this one was told by Ronald Reagan once)

10) Stalin brings his two-month old grandson to the Kremlin one day. After admiring the young boy, naturally, various officials try to flatter their boss about him.

"He's going to be a fine soldier, Comrade General Secretary," says a Red Army general. "You can tell by the way he stomps his feet."

"No, no," Stalin replies. "He's going to be General Secretary. Look, he made a mess in his diapers and he's smiling!"

That's it for now. I'll post more as I remember them.

Oh, yeah:

11) Q: Which is the biggest country in the world?

A: Cuba. It has its government in Moscow, its army in Angola and its population in Miami.

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Oh my goodness! that's terrible! lol no wonder it became a communist country! (every joke has some truth to it - the truth of the culture in russia, I guess)

Hah, you'll get a kick out of this one:

There were once two farmers who were neighbors: Boris and Ivan. They were both very poor, only able to farm just enough to barely survive. The only thing that brought any joy to them was Boris' cow, which gave good milk. Boris would share the milk with Ivan, and they both enjoyed drinking it very much; it was their only luxury in life.

One day, while Ivan was plowing his field, he found an old lamp in the dirt. When he rubbed it, a genie appeared and said, "I will grant you one wish, anything in the world you want."

He replied, "I wish that Boris' cow would die."

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You cannot forgot the "In Soviet Russia" Jokes

Soviet jokes include some true classics. Here are some I like:

(1) In a Soviet prison, all the other prisoners were crowded around the new guy. One of them asked him, "So, how long are you in for?"

"Ten years."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing!"

"Don't give us that! You only get five years for that!"

(2) Back in the late 50s, three prisoners had just been put together in the same cell of a Hungarian jail and were getting to know each other. The first one said, "I supported Nagy."

The second one said, "I opposed Nagy."

The third one said, "I am Nagy."

(3) Eisenhower and Khrushchev ran a footrace and Eisenhower won. The next day Pravda reported that Khruschev finished second and Eisenhower last but one.

(4) Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: Under capitalism, man exploits his fellow man; socialism is the exact opposite.

(5) A young Jewish man went to his rabbi and said, "I need a job, so I'm going to join the Party. I have a problem though. I simply can't grasp this material dialectic. Can you help me?"

His rabbi said, "It's quite simple. Here. Two chimney sweeps are in the same chimney. When they come out, one is dirty and the other is clean. Which one washes himself?"

"Hmm...I don't know."

"The clean one washes himself, because he sees that the other chimney sweep is dirty, and the dirty one looks at the clean one and thinks he too is clean."

"Hmm, okay, I think I see."

"Then answer this. Two chimney sweeps are in the same chimney. When they come out, one is dirty and the other is clean. Which one washes himself?"

"The clean one."

"No, the dirty one does. When they come out, each of them looks at his own hands, so the dirty one washes himself."

After half a minute, the young man says, "Okay, I think I see."

"Good. Now answer this. Two chimney sweeps are in the same chimney. When they come out, one is dirty and the other is clean. Which one washes himself?"

"The dirty one."

"No, they both wash themselves. The clean one looks at the dirty one and thinks he's dirty too, while the dirty one looks at his own hands..."

"Enough of this! You're just saying whatever it takes to get the answer you want!"

"Ah! Now you understand the material dialectic!"

There's a large collection of Soviet jokes here, including a couple of different versions of jokes above. And there's a fine collection of them in Petr Beckmann's Hammer and Tickle, if you can find that.

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12/19/06

1837hrs EST

Howdy all,

I have not posted in a while. Between school, work, and life there is time to do little else. However the heading communist jokes piqued my interest. Lo and behold I have one that is not on the list.

I may have posted it in another thread at some point, but I cannot remember. If this is a repost, I apologize.

Anyway here is the joke.

How many running dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control means of production.

I hope you all like that one.

Merry X-Mas, and hopefully ’07 will not be nearly as weird as ’06.

Rob

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wow, thanks guys! and thank you Adrian Hester for the link! now I have enough communist jokes to keep me happy ;) I love the joke about the mice (scientist/Politician) and the one about cuba being the biggest country in the world had me roll off my chair!! (literally!)

but I didn't get this one

(4) Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: Under capitalism, man exploits his fellow man; socialism is the exact opposite.

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but I didn't get this one...

(4) Q: What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?

A: Under capitalism, man exploits his fellow man; socialism is the exact opposite.

Well, the "exact opposite" would be that under socialism, men still exploit other men. (Or that man is exploited by his fellow men.) It's one of a number of jokes that took old commie chestnuts and changed the wording slightly to undercut them completely. That one's a bit cynical; a couple of better ones are these:

(1) At the end of the great war against fascism the economy of Poland was standing at the edge of the cliff, but under Soviet leadership it took a great leap forward...and fell into the abyss.

(2) There's no difference between the United States and Poland. In the United States, dollars buy everything, zloty buy nothing, and you can criticize Reagan openly. In Poland, dollars buy everything, zloty buy nothing, and you can criticize Reagan openly. See? No difference.

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Here are the most pathetic and yet the funniest communist jokes I have come across:

John Kerry

Ted Kennedy

Hillary Clinton

Nancy Pelosi

Cindy Sheehan

And it is a race to see which one is the most pathetic and funny!

:(

I know....... You don't have to say it........ I will go away and be quiet.

<duck>

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5) When Lenin dies, an unexpectedly Liberal God is unsure what to do with him. So He decides to allow Lenin into Heaven for two weeks and see how that works. It doesn't work well at all. No matter how good things are in Heaven, Lenin keeps trying to organize a revolution. Deciding one Lucifer was quite enough, God sends Lenin to Hell.

Time passes, and God fails to receive even one complaint from Hell. Puzzled, He calls Hell to find out how things are going with Lenin. A voice on the other side of the line answers the call "The Soviet Socialist Republic of Hell, how may I direct your call?"

This one would have been funnier if the voice on the other side had said that it was Soviet Russia!

8) During tense negotiations over grain shipments, George Shultz tells Andre Gromyko, "Look, we are willing to let grain shipments through, but we need a few concessions."

"All right. What do you need?"

"To begin with, one hundred merchant ships. We'll distribute them to third World countries."

"Done," says Gromyko.

"Also, a few million tons of coal at cost."

"No problem."

"And fifty bicycles."

"I'm afraid that's out of the question."

"Why?"

"The Poles don't make bicycles."

I didn't get this one.

There were some great jokes in that post, though, D'kian. : D

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Here are a few more; they're from an interesting sourcebook, Mass Culture in Soviet Russia by James von Geldern and Richard Stites.

(1) The dark of night. An automobile glides up to the apartment of a Moscow Nepman. Some men rip out the bell and pound at the door.

Pandemonium in the apartment. The residents scurry about like rats, hiding books, burning letters, throwing money out the window, stuffing gold in the mattress.

Suddenly, a shout from outside the door: "Hey, don't worry, we're not here to search you, we're only here to rob you." (120)

(2) A doomed man wishes to become a communist before he dies so that there will be one less communist in the world. (119)

(3) The Soviet censor reviews Popular Astronomy for the People, published by Gosizdat [state Publishing House]. A day later, Gosizdaty receives this telegram: "I direct your attention to an unforgivable oversight. Destroy the edition. In the next version, the planet Jupiter [sounds like yu-pitr, with "pitr" an old nickname of St. Petersburg] must be called Ju-Lenin." (212)

(4) Let's go full ahead to socialism--and you can drop me off in Warsaw. (212)

(5) A speaker at a meeting is talking on the theme "We will catch the capitalist countries." An audience member asks, "When we catch them, can we stay there?" (213)

(6) Atheist shops are now opening with ungodly prices. (284)

(7) A Soviet Communist, after showing a foreigner the Exhibition of Economic Accomplishments, in Moscow, says: "Well, now you see that socialism can be built in one country."

"Sure, that's true, but why would anyone live there?" (284)

(8) A peasant is asked, without much chance for refusal, to sign up for a two-hundred-ruble bond. He scratches his head: "Who guarantees the bond?"

"Our beloved leader Stalin."

"And if something should happen to him...?"

"The Communist Party."

"And what if something happens to the Party?"

"Wouldn't that be worth a measly two hundred to you?" (285)

(9) Marx: Being defines consciousness.

Stalin: Beating defines consciousness. (329)

[i suspect the pun in the original Russian is even closer, byt' "to be" and bit' "to beat."]

(10) In 1940, Hitler asks Stalin for help in destroying London. Stalin offers one thousand Soviet apartment managers. (330)

(11) Q: Why do Soviet doctors remove tonsils through the anus?

A: Because nobody dares open his mouth. (488)

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The idea is that after WWII Eastern Europe produced most of the industrial products of the Communist bloc since that's where all the factories were.

Exactly. I was told that one by a Pole, too.

Next:

12) During English class in Moscow, the teacher asks her students to use the word "calamity" in a sentence.

Ivan says "If I were to loose my gloves, it would be a calamity."

"No, Ivan," says the teacher. "That would merely be a loss."

Andre says, "If I were to fall down and skin my knee, it would be a calamity."

"No, Andre. That would be misfortune."

Then Ludmilla says "If Comrade Stalin were to die, it would be a calamity."

"Da, Ludmilla!" the teacher says, clearly pleased. "If Comrade Stalin were to die, it would indeed be a calamity. Explain to the class why."

"Well," says Ludmilla, "what else could it be? It wouldn't be a loss or misfortune."

13) During a conference with Western diplomats, Staling tries to impress them with the bravery and absolute obedience of the Red Army soldiers.

"Watch this, tovarischi," Stalin tells. the diplomats. He points to one of the soldiers guarding the room and says "You! Private, jump out that window!"

And the soldier jumps out the window.

"See? They will do anything I tell them," crows Stalin. "You!" he points to another soldier, "jump out that window!"

And the soldier jumps out the window.

"What chance have you got against me, when I have men such as this? You! Sargent, jump out that window!"

As the soldier climbs the window sill, one of the diplomats grabs his arm and pleads "For the love of God, man! How can you throw your life away like that"

The soldier points out the window and says "You call this living?"

14) Stalin is said to have dressed himself shabbily to hide among the populace from time to time. He did this to gauge the real opinion the people ahd of him. One time he went into a movie theater. During the newsreel before the main feature, there appeared Stalin on the screen giving a speech. Every patron in the theater stood up and applauded.

Stalin, naturally, did not feel like applauding himself. But he was pleased with the reaction.

The patron to his left, though, leans over and says "I know how you feel, comrade. But if you don't cheer the butcher you'll get in trouble."

(These last two jokes, BTW, originally featured Hitler and Mussolini. Is anyone surprised?)

15) Seeing how the Apollo program left the Soviet space program in the dust, Kruschev makes an announcement:

"Our heroic Soviet rocket program will send a man to the Sun!"

All the reporters present at the time, naturally, jump up with questions. The heat! The radiation!

Kruschev tells them "Do you think we're fools? We'll land at night!"

16)During a diplomatic conference, three minor functionaries, an Englishman, a French man and a soviet are talking about happiness.

"Happiness," the Englishman says "is the state one achieves at afternoon tea, after a successful fox hunt."

"You call that happiness?" the French man demands. "Tepid drinks after chasing a dumb animal all day? Bah! No, mes amies, happiness consists of having a wife who cooks well, a beautiful mistress, and knowing the twain shall never meet."

"Are you serious, comrade?" asks the Soviet. "Those are fripperies. Good food and good sex. Nyet! Happiness, comrades, lies in experiencing the following event: the KGB knocks down your door, and moves in with weapons drawn, in the middle of the night. They haul you out of bed roughly and say 'Ivan Ivanovich! You're under arrest for counter-revolutionary activities!' And then you can say 'Sorry, comrades. Ivan Ivanovich lives in the next apartment.'"

More later

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How did I forget?

16) Jones and Smith are talking politics. Jones says "Comes the revolution, my friend, you'll be having strawberries and cream."

Smith replies "Actually, I don't like strawberries and cream."

"Comes the revolution," Jones insists, "you'll have strawberries and cream, and you will like it!"

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  • 2 weeks later...

I remembered another one. It's not strictly speaking a communist joke.

Capt. Ivan Ivanovich of the Red Air Force is assigned to teach a group of Syrian pilots to fly fighter jets. Over the course of several weeks, he teaches them to take off with various loads, how to maneuver, how to shoot, how to drop bombs, and finally what to do in a dog fight. After that lesson, he tells the class "That's it. I've taught you everything you need to know, comrades."

"But," says one fo the Syrians, "comrade, you said not a word about coming down."

"Oh, but the Israelis will handle that for you."

And this bumps us against the many Arab jokes I also know.

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  • 2 weeks later...

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