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MisterSwig
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Here's the first installment of a series of posts listing my favorite stories from the Bible. I will go book by book, starting with Genesis. I won't repeat the whole story, but merely give you an indication of what I like about it. If you want to know the details, you'll need to read the stories yourself.

My Ten Favorite Stories From Genesis

1. Genesis 1 - God creates daylight on the first day of creation, but he doesn't create the sun until the fourth day. Oops! There are many hilarious problems with the creation myth. I encourage you to waste several hours of your life trying to discover them.

2. Genesis 7 - The Lord drowns every man, woman, and child on earth, except for Noah's family. He then creates a rainbow as a sign that he will not drown the human race again. Does this mean that there were no rainbows before the watery humanicide?

3. Genesis 19 - God kills everyone in Sodom and Gomorrah--for being gay or generally not likeable. Then he murders the wife of his loyal servant Lot, turning her into a pillar of salt. Why salt?

4. Genesis 19 - Lot gets drunk in a cave and unknowingly has sex with his two virgin daughters, who wish to have children but are trapped in the mountains with only their alcoholic father.

5. Genesis 20 - Afraid that people will kill him so that they can have his sexy wife, Abraham keeps telling people that she is his sister. But then it is revealed that she really is his sister. Ew!

6. Genesis 22 - God orders Abraham to kill his son. But when Abraham is about to do it, the Lord suddenly stops him. It turns out that God was only testing Abraham's willingness to do whatever the Lord says. If God is all-knowing, why does he need to test Abraham?

7. Genesis 27 - Isaac has two sons, Jacob and Esau. Isaac prefers Esau and plans to hand power over to him. But while Isaac is on his deathbed, Jacob puts on a disguise and pretends to be Esau, thereby cheating Esau out of his father's blessing. What a prick!

8. Genesis 29 - Wife-hunting Jacob agrees to serve Laban for seven years in exchange for his sexy daughter Rachel. After seven years of service, Jacob demands Rachel as his promised reward, but Laban is a trickster and he gives Jacob his other daughter, Leah, instead. Jacob somehow fails to notice that he has been given the wrong daughter, and he proceeds to have sexual intercourse with Leah before realizing that she is not Rachel. Doh! How stupid do you have to be to have sex with the wrong woman?

9. Genesis 34 - Jacob's daughter Dinah is raped by Prince Shechem. Shechem then asks Jacob to give him Dinah as a wife, and Jacob agrees on one condition: that Shechem and all the other males in his city get circumcised. Shechem agrees, the townsmen get snipped, and Dinah is handed over to her rapist.

But who knew that Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, were actually upset that their sister was sexually violated, and that, as a matter of justice, they would later execute every last man in town and enslave all of the women and children? Ah, biblical justice: it's such a wonderful thing to behold.

10. Genesis 38 - The Lord kills Onan for ejaculating upon the ground instead of inside the wife of his dead brother, whom God murdered for some unexplained reason. Seriously, I'm not making this up. God killed him because he pulled out.

Do you want to read these stories for yourself but don't own a Bible? Good news! You can read them online here.

Edited by softwareNerd
New text, at request of Mr. Swig
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7. Genesis 27 - Jacob tricks his dying father, Isaac, into thinking that he is really Esau, Isaac's other son, cheating Esau out of his father's blessing. What a prick!

It is worthy to note that Jacob tricked his poor-sighted dying father by wearing a fur covering because Esau was naturally red and fuzzy for some bizarre biblical reason!

Another great source for Bible amusement is The Brick Testament, where many of the bible stories are acted out with legos! I have cross-referenced many of the passages. The content seems to be pretty accurate.

Exodus has some hilarious stories too, I will not steal your thunder by divulging them here.

Edited by DarkWaters
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Another great source for Bible amusement is The Brick Testament, where many of the bible stories are acted out with legos! I have cross-referenced many of the passages. The content seems to be pretty accurate.

I concur on the recommendation for The Brick Testament. Legos were always my favorite toy. Now they are also my favorite marriage counselor.

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Here's my personal favorite.

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Yes, you read correctly. Some kids made fun of him for being bald, so he summoned bears that subsequently mauled 42 of them to death.

As a sidenote, there are some Bible stories I am actually quite fond of, in a totally non-sarcastic way. My favorite is probably David & Goliath.

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My Fifteen Favorite Stories From Exodus

1. Exodus 2 - Moses walks along the street one day and he sees an Egyptian beating up a Hebrew. After making sure that nobody else is looking, Moses kills the Egyptian. I guess we'll never know exactly why the Egyptian was beating up the Hebrew.

2. Exodus 3 and 4 - God puts on his "flame of fire" costume and talks to Moses through a bush. He instructs Moses to speak to the children of Israel and try to convince them that a god named "I AM" wants them to leave Egypt and search for "a land flowing with milk and honey." When Moses starts asking some tough questions, God starts performing a couple magic tricks, turning Moses' rod into a serpent and causing his hand to temporarily become leprous. God then brags about how he created Moses' mouth, and also how he delights in creating people who are mute, deaf, and blind.

3. Exodus 4 - Zipporah cuts off her son's foreskin and throws it at Moses' feet. Priceless.

4. Exodus 7 through 12 - God tells the two brothers, Moses and Aaron, to meet with the Egyptian Pharaoh and beg him to release the children of Israel from his service. The brothers go to the Pharaoh, and, as instructed by God, Aaron turns his special rod into a serpent, hoping to win over the Egyptian king with this sign from God. The Pharaoh, not at all impressed, has his court magicians duplicate this trick, and they turn their rods also into serpents. Not giving up, the brothers demand that the Pharaoh release the children of Israel, or else they will turn all the rivers of Egypt into blood. The Pharaoh refuses, so Moses and Aaron change the rivers into blood, killing all the fish and stinking up all the land of Egypt. But Pharaoh is still not impressed and he does not release the children of Israel. After all, his enchanters can also turn rivers into blood!

After the serpent trick and the blood-river trick fail to free the children of Israel, God gets really nutty and he tells the brothers to magically litter every square inch of Egypt with frogs. Yes, frogs! Unfortunately, the Pharaoh's conjurers know that one, too.

God then discovers a series of plagues that the Egyptian sorcerers don't know how to create, including lice, flies, pestilence, boils, hail, locusts, and "thick darkness." These plagues practically wipe out the Pharaoh's entire kingdom, yet he still won't release the children of Israel--mostly because God is hell-bent on punishing Egypt and has been manipulating the Pharaoh's will without his knowledge.

Now, at this point, God has run out of really cool plague ideas, so he takes it upon himself to visit every single Egyptian household and kill all of their firstborn children. Then, just because he can, he visits all of the stables and kills a bunch of livestock, too. After all of that, God is finally satisfied, and he leads his people out of Egypt--but not before stripping the remaining Egyptians of their money and clothing.

5. Exodus 14 - Moses and God part the Red Sea so that the children of Israel can escape from the pursuing Egyptian army. How the Egyptians can still support an army, after being thoroughly raped by God, is beyond me. Anyway, when the Egyptian army attempt to follow Moses through the Red Sea, God drowns every last one of them. Apparently, the biblical Egyptians are the stupidest people to have ever existed in the history of fantasyland.

6. Exodus 17 - The armies of Amalek and Moses fight at Rephidim, and Moses controls the battle by simply lifting and lowering his magical rod, as if he were conducting an orchestra.

7. Exodus 19 and 20 - God sits on a mountaintop during a thunderstorm and plays a trumpet. He speaks to the children of Israel, and one of the first things he tells them is that he is a jealous god and that they better not worship any other gods, or else he will visit iniquities upon them and their descendants.

8. Exodus 21 - God continues to lay down the law for his chosen people. He tells them to put to death anyone who curses their father or mother. It's okay, of course, to beat the living snot out of your slaves.

9. Exodus 22 - More laws from God: you must kill all sorceresses and everyone who has sex with animals.

10. Exodus 23 - God orders the children of Israel to destroy six tribes of people essentially unknown to them. Odd, considering he just finished commanding them (in Exodus 23:9) to not oppress strangers.

11. Exodus 25 - God demands that the children of Israel make a lampstand for him.

12. Exodus 31 - Another one of God's laws: "Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death." Yikes! I can understand putting someone to death for saying, "To hell with you, Dad!" But isn't it a little extreme to kill a man for working on Sunday?

13. Exodus 32 - While Moses is talking to God on the mountaintop, the children of Israel start worshipping an idol of a molded calf. God is understandably irate, since he just told them not to do that. But Moses calms the Lord down and says he'll take care of it. So, Moses descends from the mountain and promptly kills three thousand of his own men.

14. Exodus 34 - Again on the mountain with God, Moses doesn't eat bread or drink water for forty days. He doesn't die, thank God, but his face does start to shine in a really strange way. It is such an odd sight that Moses decides to wear a veil whenever he speaks to the children of Israel.

15. Exodus 37 - Bezalel makes that lampstand God wanted.

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I can't remember which one it is, but I think it involves Saul/Paul hiding from his hunters. He is brought into the house of a friend, who helps him hide. Meanwhile a lynch mob gathers outside said friend's house, and to protect the fugitive, the friend dresses his daughter in said fugitive's clothes and throws her out the door, whereupon the mob tears her to bits. Fugitive survives. If you can dig this one up, please post the particulars! Thanks.

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Here's my personal favorite.

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Yes, you read correctly. Some kids made fun of him for being bald, so he summoned bears that subsequently mauled 42 of them to death.

When I was in fifth or sixth grade, I was enrolled in a Christian video homeschool program (A Beka), in which the teachers' lectures had been taped from a Christian private school in Pensacola, and I got them in the mail and would do the work which was graded through a correspondence method.

Every day the first class was a Bible study class. I remember studying this story in particular, because the teacher made a comment that really bothered me.

He was discussing how the sentence, "Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths," doesn't necessarily specify that they were mauled to death--the word "maul" doesn't always describe fatal injuries. He mentioned that some Bible scholars contended that the bears must have only injured some of the children, and not killed them, because to think of killing them for poking fun at someone would be too severe and unjust an overreaction to attribute to a Loving God.

Then he made this comment (it's been a few years, but if this isn't an exact quote it's at least very close): "But I'd like to think that there were some empty seats at dinner at those youths' houses that night."

Even as a brainwashed young Christian, the thought of someone liking to think about children (possibly, ones around my age at the time!) being torn to pieces by bears because they offended the wrong guy was unconscionable to me. I did a lot of thinking about what type of premises and psychology could lead a person to say a thing like that, and I learned a lot about the naked truth and often hidden or premises of the Judeo-Christian religion along the way! [My conclusion: this religion in many instances embraces a gleeful rebellion against justice and reason in favor of the absurd (in this case, as in countless others, the morbidly absurd and ethically demented), in a hopeless and chronic psychological rebellion against reality].

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11. Exodus 25 - God demands that the children of Israel make a lampstand for him.

...

15. Exodus 37 - Bezalel makes that lampstand God wanted.

Bring me a shrubbery!

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Arthur: Who are you?

Knight of Ni: We are the Knights who say..... "Ni"!

Arthur: (horrified) No! Not the Knights who say "Ni"!

Knight of Ni: The same.

Other Knight of Ni: Who are we?

Knight of Ni: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nee-womm!

Other Knight of Ni: Nee-womm!

Arthur: (to Bedevere) Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!

Knight of Ni: The knights who say "Ni" demand..... a sacrifice!

Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter

who lives beyond these woods.

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Bedevere: No! Noooo! Aaaugh! No!

Knight of Ni: We shall say "Ni" again to you... if you do not appease us.

Arthur: Well what is it you want?

Knight of Ni: We want.....

(pregnant pause)

A SHRUBBERY!!!!

(minor music)

Arthur: A *WHAT*?

Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni!! Ni! Ni!

Arthur: No! No! Please, please, no more! We will find you a shrubbery.

Knight of Ni: You must return here with a shrubbery... or else you will never

pass through this wood... alive.

Arthur: O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a

shrubbery.

Knight of Ni: One that looks nice.

Arthur: Of course!

Knight of Ni: And not *too* expensive.

Arthur: Yes!

Knight of Ni: Noowwwww.... GO!

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4. Genesis 19 - Lot gets drunk and unknowingly has sex with his two virgin daughters in a cave.

Don't forget, back in Sodom, when a mob demanded Lot turn over the two angels who had come to warn him, so that they might "know" (or as the Brits like to say, "bugger") the strangers, Lot offered the mob the two said daughters so that the mob could rape them instead. Great guy, Lot.

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Don't forget, back in Sodom, when a mob demanded Lot turn over the two angels who had come to warn him, so that they might "know" (or as the Brits like to say, "bugger") the strangers, Lot offered the mob the two said daughters so that the mob could rape them instead. Great guy, Lot.

Ah, THAT must be the one I was thinking of.

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Well, he may have been a perv, but I understand that his wife was a real salt-of-the-earth type of gal.

In all fairness, Lot's daughters thought they were the only women left alive, and were just trying to continue the human race. Lot was too drunk to know what was going on.

But I do'nt see how any Christians could possibly excuse his offering of his daughters up for gang rape.

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*nominates this thread for Thread of the Month*

"But I'd like to think that there were some empty seats at dinner at those youths' houses that night."
Priceless.

But I don't see how any Christians could possibly excuse his offering of his daughters up for gang rape.
WWJD?
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Excellent thread. When pointing to verses of the Bible that reveal its absurdity and underlying evil, it is important to differentiate between stories where God's people do insane things, and when God himself does or commands insane things. In an argument with a Christian who has actually read the Bible, they are more than happy to point out that God's people were human and made mistakes (like date-raping their father). And in most cases, the Bible doesn't say "go thou and do likewise" to stories like that.

But on the other hand, we have stories where God directly does something evil, such as the fun "baldy" story about Elisha and the bears. I've NEVER heard a decent explanation why God did and said such ridiculous and evil things in the OT.

"If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property." NIV.
Exodus 21:20-21 (NIV)

“Have you allowed all the women to live?” he asked them. "They were the ones who followed Balaam's advice and were the means of turning the Israelites away from the Lord in what happened at Peor, so that a plague struck the Lord's people. Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man."
Numbers 31:15-18 (NIV)

The first is the direct words of God and the second is the command of God through Moses. Has anybody heard any decent explanations from Christians as to why God would command and do such evil things?

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Ah, THAT must be the one I was thinking of.

Actually, I believe you are thinking of the end of Judges 19. The story is truly horrific. It will definitely be on my list for that book.

Leviticus will be posted later tonight. I hope to get Numbers and Deuteronomy done by this weekend. That will complete the five books attributed to Moses. I will then take a week or two break from reading the Bible (to reorganize and heal my mind), and then I will resume with Joshua.

If you like, I encourage you to post your own favorite Bible stories. Don't worry about "stealing my thunder." I have a lot of thunder to work with. And I love reading what others think of this nonsense. It makes for wonderful humor. I'm glad people are enjoying the thread.

By the way, I am reading the New King James Version, if anyone cares where the occasional quote comes from.

If you are interested in additional Bible criticism, I recommend starting with Thomas Paine's The Age of Reason. If you want additional titles, you can send me a personal message. I might have a couple more.

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My Fifteen Favorite Stories From Leviticus

1. Leviticus 2 - God orders the children of Israel to supply him with an abundance of food for himself and his priests. And he reminds them not to forget the salt.

2. Leviticus 9 - After God delivers several chapters of repetitious instructions on how to prepare his meals, the children of Israel finally manage to cook a decent offering for the Lord. God then lights himself on fire and gobbles up the food from the sacrificial altar.

3. Leviticus 10 - Nadab and Abihu burn some incense for the Lord. But, damnit, God did not ask them to do that. So he burns them both to death.

4. Leviticus 11 - God forbids the children of Israel to eat camels; he forbids them to eat finless water creatures; he forbids them to eat the ostrich and the gecko; etc. We are not told where God received his degree in nutrition, but he clearly takes food very seriously. In fact, I now know more about God's philosophy of food than his reasons for repeatedly decimating the human race.

5. Leviticus 12 - According to God, a woman who gives birth to a boy is "unclean" for one week. But a woman who has a girl is unclean for two weeks. Apparently newborn girls are significantly dirtier than boys.

6. Leviticus 13 - God commands all lepers to put their hand over their mustache and yell, "Unclean! Unclean!"

7. Leviticus 14 - While speaking to Moses at Mount Sinai, the Lord notes that he will sometimes send a "leprous plague" (i.e., mold or mildew) to houses made of stone. In order to clean these houses, God explains, a priest must dip a living bird into the blood of a dead bird and sprinkle the blood around the house seven times.

8. Leviticus 15 - God instructs man to take a bath after semen shoots out of his penis. Hrm . . . I wonder how the Lord enforces such a commandment.

God addressing his children: "Have any of you unwashed sinners had an orgasm in the last week or two?"

Unwashed sinner: "I have, O Lord!"

God: "Why haven't you taken a bath like I commanded?"

Sinner: "Um . . . because I'm a sinner?"

God: "Oh, a wise guy, eh? Well, I think you should know that if you don't get in that bathtub within the next thirty seconds, I'm going to make you eat your children."

9. Leviticus 18 - The Lord finally gets around to banning incest.

10. Leviticus 19 - God outlaws tattoos and shaving the sides of your head.

11. Leviticus 20 - The Lord mentions a rival god named Molech, to whom children should not be given. Then he lists a bunch of things that are punishable by death: adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, and sleeping with your daughter-in-law. Well, there go my plans for the weekend.

12. Leviticus 21 - The priests of God are told that they must marry only virgins, but they are also told that they must burn their harlot-playing daughters to death. Seems like a fair exchange to me.

The Lord further concludes that he doesn't want any dwarves to approach his altar, because they will "profane" his sanctuary. Dirty dwarves!

13. Leviticus 24 - The obedient children of Israel stone to death a man because he blasphemed. I think this harsh punishment had something to do with the fact that the blasphemer was half-Egyptian. If the victim had been a full-blooded Israelite, I'm positive that God would have had mercy on him, because God likes the children of Israel more than other people's children.

14. Leviticus 25 - God okays the enslavement of non-Israelites.

15. Leviticus 26 - Yet again, the Lord threatens his chosen people with death and destruction if they don't obey his every word. He says, for example, that he will "appoint terror" over them, bring "seven plagues" upon them, send "wild beasts" to eat their children, and, worst of all, force ten women to cook with the same oven.

Edited by MisterSwig
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2. Leviticus 9 - After God delivers several chapters of repetitious instructions on how to prepare his meals, the children of Israel finally manage to cook a decent offering for the Lord. God then lights himself on fire and gobbles up the food from the sacrificial altar.

Does it explain why god couldn't cook His own dinner? Or what God wants with dinner to begin with? Next thing you know, he'll be asking for a starship

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