unjustified feelings of guilt

[The Wrath]

I have been like this for as long as I can remember. I feel guilty about everything. Quite often, it's about something that I haven't even done. But most of the time it's for something that isn't at all a big deal.

Perfect example: the other day, I left work and went home, but forgot to log off of my computer. No normal person would feel guilty about this, but I did.

When I was a kid, I use to go to my parents and make these grandiose confessions about something that I had done, even though they would never have found out about it otherwise and even though nothing that I did had caused any harm.

Needless to say, this drives me nuts. Most of the time, the guilt builds for a while, then reaches a peak, and then goes back down to where it doesn't bother me. Then I start to worry that the guilt will come back at a later time...this tends to follow a similar trend. Eventually, the issue will go completely away, but in the mean time, it occupies all of my thoughts.

Any suggestions?

Edited February 11, 2007 by Moose

[aequalsa]

Any suggestions?

Raised catholic?

edit: that is a serious question by the way. Not just being funny.

Edited February 11, 2007 by aequalsa

[The Wrath]

Actually, I fully expected that question to come. And, no. I was brought up attending a Baptist church, although my parents don't consider themselves "Baptists." They prefer generic protestant "Bible" churches...there just weren't usually any around where we lived.

[The Wrath]

And I don't think the church is what did it...my sister, for example, is not the same way I am. My mom is to a certain extent, but I think I'm worse than anyone else in my family.

[gags]

Sorry, but a line from the movie "Stripes" comes to mind: "Lighten up Francis!"

Have you ever said to yourself, "what is the worse thing that could happen in this situation?" When you left the computer on, what was the worst thing that could have happened? Maybe you paid a couple of pennies extra for electricity. Often times when you ask that question and answer it truthfully, you discover that things really aren't as bad as you're imagining them to be.

[The Wrath]

Another one is that when I think another girl is pretty, I feel like I have somehow cheated on my fiancee. This isn't helped by the fact that she is extremely prone to jealousy.

Then I'll sit there and debate whether or not I should tell her. Then I realize how ridiculous that is. I mean, what would I say? "Hey honey, I saw a pretty girl today."

[aequalsa]

Actually, I fully expected that question to come. And, no. I was brought up attending a Baptist church, although my parents don't consider themselves "Baptists." They prefer generic protestant "Bible" churches...there just weren't usually any around where we lived.

Sounds like a very religious home, though? If so, then my first guess would be that you have accepted implicitly if not explicitly, the notion of catagorical imperitives. "Thou shalt...." If that is the case, then the answer is probably to take the source of guilt and add all of necessary the context to it.

So in your example, you say "crap I left the computer on and leaveing the computer on is wrong". Whereas the actual context is that "you almost always turn the computer off, but this time it slipped your mind because you are human with a falible memory, and you'll try to not do that in the future." The act has no necessary causal repercussions, just a lot of possibile repercussions. So you might take note of the fact that this might cause a problem tomorrow when you get there, and you will deal with it, if and when it happens.

“A coward dies a thousand deaths, a hero only one.” It is the same thing with obsession over all of the possible contingencies. Take note of the possible but only focus on the is.

Disclaimer: I am not a psychologist. Just a philosophic view of the thing.

Another one is that when I think another girl is pretty, I feel like I have somehow cheated on my fiancee. This isn't helped by the fact that she is extremely prone to jealousy.

Then I'll sit there and debate whether or not I should tell her. Then I realize how ridiculous that is. I mean, what would I say? "Hey honey, I saw a pretty girl today."

That sounds like you are feeling guilt for your emotions. Like you are taking conscious moral responsibility for your subconscious feelings and mistakes.

[The Wrath]

My parents are definitely religious, but they are not zealots, so I really don't think that's it. As for the computer thing...well, "thou shalt log off" is pretty much a commandment in my office. Lately the thing with my fiancee is more worrying though...but I chalk that up to the fact that my wedding is drawing extremely close and my mind is working overdrive on everything related to romance.

[aequalsa]

My parents are definitely religious, but they are not zealots, so I really don't think that's it. As for the computer thing...well, "thou shalt log off" is pretty much a commandment in my office. Lately the thing with my fiancee is more worrying though...but I chalk that up to the fact that my wedding is drawing extremely close and my mind is working overdrive on everything related to romance.

They don't have to be zealots for the affect to occur. All that is required is that you accept an uncontextual view of morality. The other possibility I see is tying your self esteem to factors outside of your controll. If I think of any other possibilities Ill post em, but those two are all I got right now.

If you have other examples or ideas of your own it might help establish a pattern.

[The Wrath]

The thing is is that many of the factors are under my control. It is under my control if I log off of my computer. With regards to my thoughts, I could always just drive them out of my head and think about something else.

Other examples: I once admitted to my mother that I had said "damn." I also once admitted to her that I had made faces at her behind her back. More recently, I felt the need to tell my fiancee that there was nudity in the movie Apocalytpo, but I made sure to qualify that by saying that it not sexual in nature, but rather that it was the "native Americans in hot climate clothing" type.

[aequalsa]

The thing is is that many of the factors are under my control. It is under my control if I log off of my computer. With regards to my thoughts, I could always just drive them out of my head and think about something else.

Other examples: I once admitted to my mother that I had said "damn." I also once admitted to her that I had made faces at her behind her back. More recently, I felt the need to tell my fiancee that there was nudity in the movie Apocalytpo, but I made sure to qualify that by saying that it not sexual in nature, but rather that it was the "native Americans in hot climate clothing" type.

Turning off the computer is under your control in an isolated circumstance, but having an infallible memory is not. The full context is necessry. See what i mean?

So it is like a full disclosure thing then? They have to like you for what you really are or you do not deserve their affection?

[The Wrath]

Your point about needing the full context makes a lot of sense. That's something I'll have to use on my own brain next time.

And I don't really believe in "full disclosure" in relationships. No couple can possibly divulge all of their innermost thoughts to each other, if they want the relationship to last. But it occurs to me that this is essentially a conflict between my brain and my emotions. I know that full disclosure is unnecessary and I know that it is silly to feel guilty for enjoying the view of an attractive woman, but I can't stop myself from feeling bad about it.

[Inspector]

That sounds like you are feeling guilt for your emotions. Like you are taking conscious moral responsibility for your subconscious feelings and mistakes.

Yes, it does sound like that. Feelings are not under your direct control, so you have no business feeling guilty for them. If you see a pretty girl, and your emotional reaction or pleasure are stronger than you'd like, then just note that to yourself. "Self, that was a little much. We are interested in our fiancee, and the beauty of other girls is to be appreciated mostly in the abstract. Yes, yes, very pretty I'm sure. Maybe I'll buy the fiancee a pair of shorts like that. <yawn> Anyway, self, no more of that, please."

Don't feel bad about it. That's repression and it will ensure not only unhappiness, but also that you'll never change the errant emotion.

There's nothing rotten or evil or bad about you because you experienced an emotion. It's your reaction to the emotion that is open to moral judgment. Did you consciously respond to the emotion as I suggested above, or did you consciously respond with, "oh, yeah baby! The moose would totally hit that!" If the latter then yes you have something to feel bad about. If the former, then it doesn't matter what emotion you felt: your conscience is clean.

Remember, the automatic functioning of your subconscious is not subject to moral evaluation; only your conscious, chosen reaction to it is.

Christian morality, by the way, says the opposite: that you are guilty for the sins of your emotions. That is why early on you were asked if you were a Catholic. I’d say religion is suspect number 1 if you’re engaged in emotional repression (and it sure sounds like you are!).

[The Wrath]

My religious upbringing has certainly occurred to me as a possible cause. But the thing that makes me not so sure that is the cause is that I honestly cannot remember ever being indoctrinated with guilt, by any religious figure (including my parents). And other people who share a similar upbringing do not have these feelings...I already mentioned my sister, but many of my childhood friends also can be used as examples.

[Inspector]

My religious upbringing has certainly occurred to me as a possible cause. But the thing that makes me not so sure that is the cause is that I honestly cannot remember ever being indoctrinated with guilt

Who knows, maybe it came from TV. The point is that religion was the granddaddy of this thing either way and no matter what the immediate cause, you do have it.

And the answer is that you don't have to beat yourself up like that. Just respond to your guilt the same way I mentioned to respond to other unwanted emotions. And don't feel guilty about the guilt! (Yikes, now there's a vicious circle!)

[The Wrath]

Well, thanks to everyone for their comments. Just knowing that other people think I'm being silly does quite a bit to ease these feelings of guilt. I also gained a little insight into what makes me feel these things and why there is no justification for it.

[softwareNerd]

You need to figure out, for yourself, how much of this is intellectual and how much is emotion/psychology. For instance, when you leave the computer on, do you intellectually judge that to be wrong? How wrong do you judge that to be? Are you expecting an impossible standard of yourself? etc. Intellectual questions. Similarly with the pretty woman thing. Should you be looking at other women? Should you be finding them pretty? Is that wrong?

Intellectually, leaving a computer on is a miniscule issue that one can legitimately shrug off. As for thinking a pretty woman is pretty -- that's actually a good thing. If you disagree, you're going to have to work that out first. If you agree, and the guilt is just some type of old, automated response, then you might have to figure out how to work on changing that aspect of automation.

Some people swear by affirmations and so on, like the self-help books that would have you look at yourself in the mirror and repeat 10 times: "I will make mistakes and not give a damn" or "I will enjoy looking at pretty women". Not sure what would work best, but my own thought is that the one approach could be to consciously do what your automated response would not do. Perhaps leave the computer on purposely a few times...and will yourself not to give a damn about something so small. Even if you can't sleep that night, with visions of the CPU bursting into flames and burning the office down, simply fight it and do not drive back to office to switch it off. After doing that a few times, it ought to get easier!

Added later: On second thought, choose another example, similar to the computer situation, but one in which you do not have an obligation to try to respect your employer's wishes, even small ones. And work on living with minor mistakes!

Edited February 11, 2007 by softwareNerd

[JASKN]

Not sure what would work best, but my own thought is that the one approach could be to consciously do what your automated response would not do. Perhaps leave the computer on purposely a few times...and will yourself not to give a damn about something so small. Even if you can't sleep that night, with visions of the CPU bursting into flames and burning the office down, simply fight it and do not drive back to office to switch it off. After doing that a few times, it ought to get easier!

Moose, I'm not sure if it would translate to overcoming guilt, but I have had incredible success with this technique in the past concerning obsessive compulsiveness (commonly referred to as OCD). Ever see As Good As It Gets, with Jack Nicholson? How about Terri Hatcher on that episode of Frazer? That stereotype of an OCD guy in our head? That was me, hardcore, in my mid-teens. It eventually got so bad, one week I just decided to do everything contrary to all of my crazy OCD activities and rituals.

The first three or four times were hard, but my results were unbelievably quick, considering how long I'd been in the OCD state. Today there is virtually no trace of my compulsive behavior from yonder year, and whenever it shows up, I just consciously choose to do exactly the opposite of my irrational impulse. Works every time. If you try this technique with your guilt, I'm interested in hearing about how it panned out for you. Good luck!

Edited February 11, 2007 by JASKN

[aequalsa]

The first three or four times were hard, but my results were unbelievably quick, considering how long I'd been in the OCD state. Today there is virtually no trace of my compulsive behavior from yonder year, and whenever it shows up, I just consciously choose to do exactly the opposite of my irrational impulse. Works every time. If you try this technique with your guilt, I'm interested in hearing about how it panned out for you. Good luck!

That's interesting. Can you give examples of it? The particular behaviour and it's opposite, I mean.

[JASKN]

Sure; for example, I used to not touch doorknobs, of any kind, under any circumstance (even in public). I would use my foot, a napkin, my shirt, whatever, but never my actual hands. If there was no way around it, I would immediately rinse my hand or wipe it on my clothes after contact. Otherwise it would be on my mind, above everything else, forever (I thought). The cure of course was to touch the doorknobs! As I said, initially it was difficult, but I was surprised to find out I soon forgot I'd "made contact," and even more surprised to find that after maybe three months I had absolutely no aversion to doorknobs whatsoever (minus a few random impulses).

Another example, I would wash my hands after contact with all sorts of things. Opposite, don't wash hands. Example: wouldn't step on sidewalk or pavement cracks, or painted parking lot lines. Opposite: step on the lines! Example and opposite: avoid eye contact at all costs, make eye contact as long as possible! There are maybe a hundred such examples, plus their derivatives and "mutations," some of them very elaborate, and mostly executed in my head. Oddly, once I started eliminating a few of the activities, an exponential amount of the rest went away without any conscious effort at all.

This could possibly indicate that there were just a couple initial misguided notions about living with myself which exploded into the OCD behavior, but honestly I haven't given it much thought since my success in my teens. I grew up Christian Baptist as well, but religion doesn't necessarily explain every problem a kid develops!

[JMeganSnow]

Wow, that's really cool, JASKN. I've been curious about how OCD works and whether you can overcome it by yourself . . . now, I know that just because you managed it doesn't mean that anyone can do it, but it's still pretty interesting. Did you ever do things like wash your hands over and over and over and over? Or would you just perform the "ritual" once and be done with it?

The repetitive-ritualizing would seem to be more a neurological short-circuit, but of course I don't know enough to theorize.