Feeling forced into marriage

[greenmatiz2]

My girlfriend of 2 years wants to marry. She is Korean, and I am American. We live in Seoul. There is a lot of societal pressure here to marry, especially given her age (33). In Korea, if you don't marry by 30, you are branded a sort of failure. This is changing, but the stigma is still there.

I am 36. We have discussed marriage, but personally, I don't want to marry. She has, however, made it apparent that if I don't marry her, she's going to leave me. I love her, but I am facing a lot of stress over this. I don't even like to discuss it. We seem to be in this constant push/shove game where she pushes to set the marriage date details, and I try to shove them back.

She is a very good person, and has treated me very well. She is from a good family, has a good job, is very pretty, and we get along well. I don't know if I could ever meet someone like her again.

She wants me to meet her mother, which in this culture means they'll start planning the wedding out before I get a word in edgewise. I've been trying to put that off.

Honestly, I don't want to marry yet. I still consider myself young. I don't go out to the bars trying to meet other girls. I do, however, have great fears of losing my freedom. If I were to sum up my feelings, I would say that to me, getting married would equal the end of my life. It doesn't help that many of the married people I talk to seem unhappy, or seem to have achieved ability to ignore the fact that they are not enjoying marriage at all. Many people have said, "Oh, don't marry. I wish I had never married..."

Now, it seems, we will marry this summer or else. I want a family some day, but I worry I am getting older.

I don't feel an overwhelming need to be around her more than a day a week. Honestly, I have troubles being around any girl for more than a few days without feeling like I need time away. I like my space.

Please add some comments and give me some things to consider about this. Thanks.

Edited February 27, 2007 by greenmatiz2

[DavidOdden]

Honestly, I don't want to marry yet.

...

I like my space.

Please add some comments and give me some things to consider about this.

I don't see what there is to consider. That is a regrettable aspect of Korean culture, but it's not your problem. When you see marriage as the most important thing you can do, then you are in the right neighborhood. My advice is, move on.

[Viking]

My girlfriend of 2 years wants to marry. She is Korean, and I am American. We live in Seoul. There is a lot of societal pressure here to marry, especially given her age (33). In Korea, if you don't marry by 30, you are branded a sort of failure. This is changing, but the stigma is still there.

I am 36. We have discussed marriage, but personally, I don't want to marry. She has, however, made it apparent that if I don't marry her, she's going to leave me. I love her, but I am facing a lot of stress over this. I don't even like to discuss it. We seem to be in this constant push/shove game where she pushes to set the marriage date details, and I try to shove them back.

She is a very good person, and has treated me very well. She is from a good family, has a good job, is very pretty, and we get along well. I don't know if I could ever meet someone like her again.

She wants me to meet her mother, which in this culture means they'll start planning the wedding out before I get a word in edgewise. I've been trying to put that off.

Honestly, I don't want to marry yet. I still consider myself young. I don't go out to the bars trying to meet other girls. I do, however, have great fears of losing my freedom. If I were to sum up my feelings, I would say that to me, getting married would equal the end of my life. It doesn't help that many of the married people I talk to seem unhappy, or seem to have achieved ability to ignore the fact that they are not enjoying marriage at all. Many people have said, "Oh, don't marry. I wish I had never married..."

Now, it seems, we will marry this summer or else. I want a family some day, but I worry I am getting older.

I don't feel an overwhelming need to be around her more than a day a week. Honestly, I have troubles being around any girl for more than a few days without feeling like I need time away. I like my space.

Please add some comments and give me some things to consider about this. Thanks.

Hi, welcome to the forum. I'm by no means an expert on relationships, but here are a few comments.

1) You're 36, and you say you feel young. I'm not so sure that you are, though, you are just about halfway through your life now. So, if you know you want to marry sometime, but only when you are no longer young, I don't think 36 is too young at all.

2) You only want to be around this woman 1 day a week. Have you tried living with her for longer, and seeing how that goes? Because if you can't stand being around a woman (or maybe just this woman) for more than 1 day a week, then I don't think marriage would be advisable.

3) If she is a great woman, and she is rational, I don't see why marriage would constitute a loss of freedom. If you think it would with her, then I would strongly reconsider this woman.

[Mimpy]

Honestly, I don't want to marry yet. I still consider myself young.

.....

I want a family some day, but I worry I am getting older.

Assuming that you want a family once you're married, aren't you slightly contradicting yourself?

I agree with Viking. If she's a rational person, then your freedom won't suffer because of marriage. If you don't want to be around her that often anyway, then maybe she's not the right person for you.

Hope you figure it out!

[dianahsieh]

Honestly, I don't want to marry yet. I still consider myself young. I don't go out to the bars trying to meet other girls. I do, however, have great fears of losing my freedom. If I were to sum up my feelings, I would say that to me, getting married would equal the end of my life. It doesn't help that many of the married people I talk to seem unhappy, or seem to have achieved ability to ignore the fact that they are not enjoying marriage at all. Many people have said, "Oh, don't marry. I wish I had never married..."

Personally, I'd strongly recommend that you talk to a therapist. Your worries are clearly not related to any particular doubts about the girl in question, but are general fears about marriage. You need to dig into your soul to figure out why you think marriage would mean the loss of your freedom, the end of your life, etc. That's not a rational judgment, however many people have bad marriages. (I don't mean that you're being willfully irrational or immoral. Rather, I just mean that the facts don't support those kinds of conclusions by a longshot, so your emotional response is based on some seriously faulty premises that you need to unearth.)

And by all means, do not marry until you figure that out, lest the marriage become a self-fulfilling prophesy. Marriage should never be a trap or a constraint -- and it need not be.

Personally, my life would be significantly less happy by at least an order of magnitude (if that makes sense at all) if I'd not married my husband. If circumstances demanded it, I would give up everything else in life to stay with him. That's the amazing value of marriage -- if the two people are able and willing to make that happen.

Diana the Uber-Happily-Married

Update: One further recommendation: Do not, under any circumstances, simply tell yourself that your feelings are irrational -- and then marry. Even if you understand the issue intellectually, you still need to resolve your feelings first. Otherwise, disaster is likely.

Edited February 27, 2007 by dianahsieh

[Scott_Connery]

I'm not so sure that these problems are doubts about marriage in general. It seems to me that you resent this girl wanting to marry you, and you don't like to be around her very often. Maybe you are just dating her because it has become routine and comfortable, and not because you are madly in love with her?

[stellavision]

I'm not so sure that these problems are doubts about marriage in general. It seems to me that you resent this girl wanting to marry you, and you don't like to be around her very often. Maybe you are just dating her because it has become routine and comfortable, and not because you are madly in love with her?

I agree -- this sentence in particular was what did it. "She is a very good person, and has treated me very well. She is from a good family, has a good job, is very pretty, and we get along well. I don't know if I could ever meet someone like her again." To me it sounds like you're describing your sister, or maybe a good friend, not a woman you're passionate about.

To me the value of "freedom" -- of being theoretically able to go out and strike up a new relationship on a whim, of being able to pack off and move anywhere in the world without giving anybody any notice, of being able to make major life decisions without consulting someone else first -- pales in comparison to having a partner in life, someone to share your joys and sorrows with, someone to build a life together with. But only if it's the RIGHT partner.

[JMeganSnow]

Umm, greenmatiz2, are you familiar with Objectivism at all? This isn't a general relationship-advice forum, it's part of a larger forum for discussion of a specific philosopy that leads eventually to fairly specific views on relationships. I ask because this is a little atypical for the questions we usually get around here. What are the principles involved in your problem? How do your feelings about marriage relate to the nature of love and relationships in general?

You'll never be able to feel comfortable with any answer given by someone else unless you understand the underlying principles and context . . . people giving you seemingly-random advice is not going to help you out.

[Inspector]

I'd repeat everything that Diana just said, only replace "husband" with "wife" and "him" with "her."

No, seriously, every last word.

And also those are good caveats from Scott Connery and Stella.

Hey, good work everyone!

[edit, and Megan too!]

Edited February 28, 2007 by Inspector