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An Open Reply To Rick Warren

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NOTE: Some time ago I signed up for Rick Warren's Ministry Toolbox email list at Pastors.Com. Last week, on April 12, I received an email from him (see full text below). It was a simple letter stating that the Holy Spirit "led" him to pray for me "several times" during the Easter weekend, and that he wanted to hear from me, to find out how my Easter went. Here is my reply, which I emailed to him today, April 16, 2007.


Dear Pastor Rick,

Thank you for your letter dated April 12. Indeed I had been expecting

it. You see, a few days before your email message arrived I too had an

encounter with the Holy Spirit, and He mentioned that you would be

writing to me.

Allow me to explain . . .

On Easter Sunday, while I was reading First Samuel, I suddenly had a

revelation from God. Jesus spoke to me from within my heart, and He

explained that Pippi Longstocking is not a fictional character, but in

fact she was a real little girl with bright red hair who lived by

herself in a house called Villa Villekulla in Sweden. And just like in

those famous children's books and movies, the real life Pippi also

possessed superhuman strength and could perform miracles. For example,

she could lift her huge horse, Old Man, above her head, and she once

caused a car to fly through the air by flapping her arms and singing

the magical words, "Up and away! Up and away! Hope and a hey and a

hope shanah!"

Needless to say, I was skeptical at first. Ever since childhood I

believed that only Jesus could perform such wonders. But then, Pastor

Rick, something truly remarkable happened: the Lord came down from

Heaven and filled my soul with the light of faith and wisdom. At that

moment I realized that Jesus Christ is not the Father's only child.

You see, the Lord also has a daughter!

God proceeded to tell me that in 1935 He received a prayer from a very

desperate Swedish woman. She complained that her husband, the pirate

captain Efraim Longstocking, consumed so much rum that he could no

longer perform the bedroom duties of a husband. She therefore begged

God to give her a little baby, and the Lord, being a just and loving

god, blessed her with a divinely conceived daughter, whom she named


Pastor Rick, after God revealed this amazing story to me, I was then

suddenly struck by the truth of it all, and I became wise with the

Word of the Lord. At that moment, I lifted up my hands and shouted,

"Praise be to the Lord! For He has given us Pippi Longstocking, the

Daughter of God! Pippi is the strongest girl in the world--and she can

do magic! From this day forward, I shall spread these words of God,

and I shall teach the glory and virtue of Pippi to the world!"

And when I was finished, God further revealed to me that you--yes you,

Pastor Rick--would soon be writing to me, inquiring about my Easter

Sunday. And He said that I should take this opportunity to deliver to

you the Word of the Lord concerning Pippi Longstocking. For God has

commanded me to spread the teachings of Pippi to the world, and that

is what I intend to do--starting now.

While Pippi was on earth, she lived by her creed: "Accomplish what

I've thought of." Pastor Rick, I also want to accomplish what I've

thought of. This is why I'm asking you to please invite me to your

Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, so that I can speak to

your congregation about Pippi Longstocking.

What do you say?

Yours in Pippi,

William Swig

Founder and Pastor

The Church of Jesus Christ and Pippi Longstocking

---------- Original Message From Rick Warren ----------

From: Rick Warren <[email protected]>

Date: 12 Apr 2007

Subject: How did it go?

April 12, 2007

Dear Pastor,

Just wanted you to know that the Holy Spirit led me to pray for you

and your Easter services several times this past weekend. I also

gathered a group of local pastors on Good Friday morning to pray for

all the pastors we know and their services.

I'd love you [sic] hear how your Easter went if you have time to write.

We're in this together friend.

Rick Warren

Saddleback Church

1 Saddleback Parkway

Lake Forest, CA. 92630

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Good heavens, Swig! aren't you afraid to be smitten by Pippi for satirizing Her story like that? :P

Speaking of religious satire, does anyone recall a mid-80s commedy routine about computer-based religions? I've only a vague recollection of a prayer saying "...and forgive us our I/O errors..."

Hopefully when Futurama goes back into production (in 2008), they'll do anohter ep on the church of Robotology (the Good Book 2.0, the prophet Jerematic). Or one of the mainstream religions, like Oprahism or Voodoo :)

Edited by D'kian
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Speaking of religious satire, does anyone recall a mid-80s commedy routine about computer-based religions? I've only a vague recollection of a prayer saying "...and forgive us our I/O errors..."

Our program who art in memory,

HELLO be thy name.

Thy keyboard hum,

Thy work be done,

On disk as it is in memory.

Give us our data

In key-field order

And forgive us our I/O errors,

As we forgive those with faulty logic circuits,

And lead us not into frustration,

But deliver us from power surges.

For thine is the algorithm,

the application and the solution,

looping forever and ever.


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