Psychological Projection

[Poornima]

Psychological projection (or projection bias) as defined by Wikipedia is: a defense mechanism in which one attributes to others one’s own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or/and emotions. Projection reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the unwanted subconscious impulses/desires without letting the ego recognize them.

Initially, I used to dismiss others as lacking in certain virtues or perhaps having certain vices that I found undesirable. Often times my conclusions would be warranted, especially if the vices were blatant or manifested themselves in something concrete (e.g. excessive drinking, self-deprecation, lying, etc.). But when evaluating people who are mostly rational it becomes harder or seems incorrect to quickly dismiss them. As I began to introspect I realized that I used this tactic too often to mask my own fears or anxieties. So when I would have an undesirable emotional response to someone else instead of quickly pointing a finger I began to see if the person really did have a vice or if I was projecting my own vices upon them. This has become easier to do. But, now I seem to suffer from the problem of over-confidence, in that I take more time to evaluate my response to them, and spend less time looking for their vices.

I've also been on the receiving end; someone projected their vices onto me. While I was strong enough to realize that I did not deserve the judgment they were passing, it still hurt to see them come to the conclusion that they did. After awhile I came to the conclusion that they weren't intentionally trying to hurt me, and the feeling surpassed. But while they are projecting it can be hard, especially if the person is a great value to you. Plus, they can use projection into making it seem like you are hurting them, which is difficult to defend against. You'd like to help them see that they're wrong, but this can also exacerbate the problem. So I'm wondering how to handle the situation. Should they be left to discover what they're doing on their own? Or perhaps give them guidance in a benevolent fashion?

~Poornima

P.S. A really good song about projection:

Petrified to be god-like - Susie Suh

I fight my demons everyday

They come and go they up and flow

Like the ocean

You think you know me and you know me

But you dont know

How scared I am

So I like to make excuses, and I like to blame everyone else

And I like to point my finger at you

Rather then change myself

It's just eachday goes by so fast

I cant seem to grasp them

And I tend to run away from my reflection

You see I am, so petrified, to be god-like

So I like to make excuses

And I like to blame everyone else

And I like to point my finger at you, rather then change myself

Ha-ah, ha-ah...

So I like to make excuses

And I like to blame everyone else

And I like to point my finger at you

Rather then change myself

So I like to make excuses

And I like to blame everyone else

And I like to point my finger at you

Rather then change myself

[Moebius]

Can you put the actual situation in better context?

[aequalsa]

So I'm wondering how to handle the situation. Should they be left to discover what they're doing on their own? Or perhaps give them guidance in a benevolent fashion?

~Poornima

The "should" in your question is a bit too contextual to answer. It depends on the relationships involved and what you hope to accomplish.

Assuming however that you do wish to help them, what I have found to be a particularly effective response to projection is to listen to what they say about you or call you, and wear the label in your mind for a minute without getting defensive yourself.(Difficult to do when under attack, I realize) Assume, in other words that it is or might be true, even if you are certain that it does not apply. Then ask something along the lines of "Do you really think that about me?", compassionately rather then confrontationally. If they don't really believe what they said, most people will reconsider and recant on there position. Or they might hold fast, in which case, I ask for examples of my behavior to support their conclusion.

[Poornima]

To clarify I've encountered this in many contexts, intimate friendships and romantic interests. It usually occurs during some period of change in either their lives or mine (travel, moving, changing jobs, etc.), i.e. they are not trying to intentionally hurt me, but are overwhelmed with other stresses of life, and it manifests itself in finding faults in my behavior or personality instead of concentrating on improving themselves.

I suppose you're right about being confrontational and defensive; compassion is probably the best approach if the person plays a pivotal role in one's life, and is highly valueable. Thanks!