Poetry from School

Productivity
1

Hey guys, I’m in the middle of an English project which will require me to write a few poems. I’m not the strongest poet, but I figured I would post my work up here as I go along and see what you guys think.

The first poem is a short one based off of a picture. Here’s what I chose:

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Here’s my poem:

Man’s Natural Habitat

In this place, unlike any other

Nature has no significance

And Man holds sway

His buildings dominate the landscape

While Her trees and forests are not to be seen

And only in the distance can Her water be found

Her sky, Her heaven, looms above

Previously untouched by Man,

He now easily scrapes its bottom

And removes it from importance

Nature is disordered and spread out

While here Man is ordered and efficient

And here, Man produces what Nature never could

Here Man can be as he should

Productive, powerful, organized, and busy

And above all, eminently free

2

He now easily scrapes its bottom

And removes it from importance

I like that first line, but the second one is phrased awkwardly. Does one really remove something from importance? I think you can find a better word to describe what you mean, or perhaps a better phrase even. If you want to be literal, like your original phrasing is, you could say something like, “And leaves it insignificant.” I’m not a poet, so you can probably come up with something better. But “remove” is definitely not the right word.

I love the spirit of the poem, though!

I especially loved this part:

Nature is disordered and spread out

While here Man is ordered and efficient

3

Hm… How about “And makes it a simple background”

4

Do you read a rhythm in your poem, or did you mean it not to have a discernible rhythm? I can’t detect a rhythm, so it reads like prose to me. (See this earlier thread for some discussion of the topic.)

The theme etc. are good, but it reads like background notes that must now be made into a poem, rather than a poem itself.

5

Do you read a rhythm in your poem, or did you mean it not to have a discernible rhythm? I can’t detect a rhythm, so it reads like prose to me. (See this earlier thread for some discussion of the topic.)

The theme etc. are good, but it reads like background notes that must now be made into a poem, rather than a poem itself.

That’s almost exactly what I said when by teacher gave us his example… He said something to the effect of “I find rhythym and rhyme in poetry childish”. So, I wrote what he wanted.

6

That’s almost exactly what I said when by teacher gave us his example…

Good for you :slight_smile: . Your teacher’s attitude is not uncommon.

7

Hm… How about “And makes it a simple background”

That works!