Reading Diana Hsieh’s comments on this thread got me thinking about the role of humour in romance (if any) and it’s proper function (if any). Here are my conclusions on the matter.
First of all, if you think funny, confident guys are necessarily arrogant without good reason to be; or if you think that shy, unassuming men are always harbouring an inner beauty; you should check the origins of your value judgements.
It is true that being funny does not make you intelligent, or moral. Hell, even the unemployed can be funny. And it is also true that some people are funny and confident without any good reason to be - an awful lot of them are (though the “confident” conformists are usually acting, and can be spotted easily). And yes, it is also true that a lot of intelligent men are shy and unassuming. But so what?
Let’s ask this: what is the purpose of humour? I think that it is a defensive (it can be used offensively, but few people do and it would be immoral to use it in such a manner) survival mechanism. You can potentially disarm any heated situation with humour. Notice that a thug will rarely launch at somebody with an unprovoked attack just out of the blue, without trying to cow and intimidate their victim first (which they usually do in short order). There is a reason for this; they want to be absolutely sure they are not making a mistake by attacking this person. After all, it can’t hurt to be sure, can it? (Note that thugs probably don’t think this in their heads, they just “feel” it). Anyway, if someone acts totally unafraid in such a situation, and ignores the most deadly serious threats with a witty jibe, implying in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that “I don’t take you or your threats seriously” - it can keep you safe. Alternatively, you could get stabbed to death. But the point is, humour is your best chance at disarming such a threat, just as it can be used to rebuke an insult from somebody and not permit it to affect you. Humour is a defense mechanism that effectively and unmistakably communicates a total lack of respect, and a feeling of amusement and/or contempt towards something.
Here’s an example. I was walking through a public riverside park (damn socialism) in the middle of the night and came across a dubious character. He asked me if I had a cigarette. With a nonchalant, slightly curious look on my face I said: “Why do you ask?”. In a flash, he went from too casual to very, very aggressive, cursing and calling me names while I thought for sure my ears would curl. Eventually he told me to hand a “fag” (that’s a cigarrette in this country, not homosexual) over to him (as if I had any). My face sank into a deeper set of curiosity and I said: “Why on EARTH would I want to do that?”. He cursed again (to which I made a remark about him having a potty mouth, and suggested he lower his voice) and walked away.
Actually, none of this actually happened, but it is exactly how I would act (or try to act) in that given situation, because a veneer of confident humour would be my best chance to prevent myself being assaulted. I don’t suggest you try the approach above until and unless it feels totally natural, obvious and normal for you to do it, or it will look fake. It needs to look real.
Taking this line of reasoning further: the more it feels wrong or dangerous to say something, the more effectively it will be if you say it (so long as it doesn’t sound like you’re putting on an act, and can continue to perform evenly if and when given reason to). For instance, belittling someone with humour after they’ve tried their intimidation skills on you is all well and good, but it’s even better to be pre-emptive: E.g., you’re walking along and you see a group of potentially dangerous looking men, you could shout over to them “You’d better watch out fella’s; there’s a lot of dangerous types around here.” Get my drift?
How do you acquire a manner of super-confident humour without having to practice among viscious gangs and getting it wrong and getting killed all the time? Well that calls for a different topic. If anyone is interested in hearing my advice, message me.
Now what on earth does this have to do with dating and romance? It’s like this. Humour (when elicited by a male) can subtly and quickly reveal a valuable quality to a female. What is that valuable quality? He can keep her safe and protect her. It is the non-physical equivilent of flexing one’s muscles; though humour is far more efficient and safe to use than using one’s muscles to deal with problems, as well as hintingly betraying other qualities such as intelligence (if he is funny enough).
My conclusion about this (in addressing what originally got my started on the topic), is that if you dismiss a guy out of hand because he’s using humour, you may be filtering out the trash, but there is absolutely no necessity about it. It is equivilent to saying: “Any guy who works out in the gym all day, and where’s a thin shirt, is arrogant with no good reason to be, or a brute”, and no less false. Granted, if humour is all that he relies on, then he is likely to be shallow and arrogant, but it WOULD be ASSUMING of YOU to decide that solely on the basis that he said something humourous.
The trouble with the internet is that the voice-tone and body language employed in the telling of a joke is lost, and therefore, the joke is more likely to fall flat. It’s also easier for a woman to chuckle in private and then type off a message in a flat tone “That’s not funny.” - and also very dishonest of her I might add.
And that, as they say in India, is that.
EDIT: Corrected bad line breaking.
) and generally harmless silliness, like stating the completely obvious as if it were mysterious. But I never mock anything of value in my humor. To do so is to say: “This is not worth valuing”.
) and generally harmless silliness, like stating the completely obvious as if it were mysterious. But I never mock anything of value in my humor. To do so is to say: “This is not worth valuing”.