[The nature of sexual fantasies]

As I think another poster said, I think you are mischaracterizing men and women. Though what you described can be and sometimes is the way many men act, it is not a universal rule.

Personally, my sexual fantasies are often much like what you described. The thing is, so are my girlfriend's. But we both make a distinction between masturbation/fantasy and actual, romantic/erotic actions. Just because I can bring myself to an orgasm to the thought of having sex with a physically attractive woman, does not mean I'd want or even -enjoy- having sex with that woman. Enjoying something in fantasy does not suddenly translate to an intense "need to have sex with random people all the time."

For me, it really isn't a matter of fighting instinct every day. I mean, sure, I think other women are attractive. But I've come to the realization that I would never enjoy sex with other women. I have a long distance relationship with the girl I love, and not very many people I associate with know about it (it's just something that I see no reason to talk about a whole lot around the kinds of friends I hang out with.) As such, there have been a few times where I've had the opportunity to be in another relationship, and even to have sex before. I almost acted upon an opportunity once, but every action I took thereafter made me feel dirty, miserable, and overall like a bad person. I was acting in a way that I knew to be unrue and dishonest to my partner, and, instead of being the way you seem to project it, acting in such a way made me feel, frankly, like shit. I cut it off with the other girl and I promptly told my partner what I had done, and she and I are still on good terms - and I know I'd never do it again, because I know how horrible of a thing it is to do and as such it makes me feel horrible to do it.

The point is, I don't have to fight my instincts to keep from breaking my commitment. I'm not in some constant battle with my "nature" or something of the like. I have principles and values, and one of the highest among those values is the woman I love, and to cheat on her would make me feel bad, not good. Is it instinctual for one to seek to harm one's own mental state? Tell me, does everything I've just said make me sound "physically oriented" over "emotionally oriented"?

Okay, I do see your point. I guess that I assume that, when you masturbate to the thought of someone, when you fantasize about them, you really are expressing your desire to engage in a sexual act with them. After all, it does excite you to imagine such a situation, such a desire must come from within. The way you put it is that knowing that it's such a dishonest and hurtful behaviour is what stops you from actually pursuing these encounters.

But still, I wonder if your partner told you that she was totally 'okay' about you having other sexual partners if you'd still not act on those desires, knowing that it wouldn't hurt her feelings. Maybe you would find such a relationship more satisfying. What I mean is, it seems as if the only thing that stops people from being unfaithful is the feeling of guilt that will follow, not the actual rational and emotional conviction that the person they're with is the only one they want and need.

[The nature of sexual fantasies]

I think you're getting a distorted image of men. Not all men are as you describe them, I'm certainly not. In fact, your description of your personal experience with fantasies is more consistent with my own (I'm a man). There are a lot of other things that I would disagree with in your assessment of men, but I think it's sufficient to say that you should check your premises on the matter.

I do not want to be prejudiced. That's the reason I asked posted this topic. I would like to have an impartial view on this subject, but I don't know which of my premises are wrong, or why. I made these assumptions based on what most men told me about their fantasy life, but that doesn't mean it's not fallacious. Also, I don't mean to offend anyone in my attempt to understand the motivational forces behind men's behaviour.

Any insight is indeed very welcome. Thanks for yours.

[The nature of sexual fantasies]

Recently, I have come to discover a few things about the sexuality of both men and women that have showed me things under a whole new light. You'll have to excuse my ignorance here and not ask me to go play with my barbies since I seem to be the last one to realise these differences, and, if you'd be so kind, contribute with your personal opinion.

I have made the following realisations:

1-It is a known fact that (heterosexual) men and women have different kinds of sexual fantasies. Women often fantasize about romance and 'romantic scenarios', whereas men get their kicks from thinking about the physical act itself, and focus more on female body parts. This seems to be generally accepted.

2-Also, when in love, women reach that 'cloud nine' state in which they might feel they're being unrespectful if they think about other men and might even regard it as some form of cheating. For men it seems to be a completely different matter, since they frequently and guiltlessly masturbate while thinking about other women (porn films, magazines, acquaintances, etc) and it's totally separate from their love lives. They don't think there's anything wrong with such behaviour.

3-A lot of men won't act on these impulses out of love and commitment, they might not even flirt with other girls, but they do think about sex and engaging in sexual activities with different women frequently throughout the day. Some men wouldn't even want to have sex with the object of their fantasies if given the chance.

4-Women are more likely to have an affair out of emotional disatisfaction with their current relationship, hence they look forward to fulfill their emotional needs, but men are more hormone-driven and might cheat out of lust.

My personal experience as a woman tells me that women don't only have romantic fantasies. I rarely do, and I do think about male bodies and functional sex often. But when I'm in love, these thoughts are fleeting and scarce. My object of desire is my partner. This doesn't mean that I don't notice when someone attractive passes by or whatever, but I hold my respect for my partner above all. I subconsciously think it's an important element of cohesion that he's the one and only, even in my fantasies. In this aspect I do think that a lot of women will agree with me.

So, I wonder. Are men really made for commitment? How do you find being in a relationship satisfying when you feel the need to have sex with random people all the time? It must feel like fighting instinct all day every day. Yet a lot of men seem to seek a stable, monogamous relationship. I mean, if love is some sort of erotic friendship, the erotism is a very important part of it, and having erotic feelings towards different people all the time does not make the erotic relationship with your partner all that exclusive.

Maybe I am trivializing the human psyche, or I might fail to grasp the meaning and importance of masturbation and sexual fantasies. Maybe they just complement the 'real thing'. Maybe I am getting a distorted image of both men and women. What do you think?