Would Like Some Advice With Women...

[TomL]

Why can't it be just a flesh idea, what would be so revulsing about that. Plenty of people do it and consider it ok to do it that way. Why is their belief system, while different, so fundamentally wrong and evil. Sounds so catholic! Now, before making any kind of personnal attacks, I am not saying this is how sex should be, I'm just curious as to why having sex without attachment is pure evil. That's all.

I already explained that, but apparently you ignored my explanation.

There is no easy way out here. You will have to think for yourself on this subject, or you will get nothing except fleeting gratification in the short-term, and misery in the long-term. No one can explain to you what your values are, why you value them, and whether or not those values are rational. Only you can do that for yourself. It requires a philosophic foundation of premises, logic, and introspection. There is no short-cut that anyone can offer you. We can only offer you the guidance to begin thinking down the correct path, but cannot give you the answers to questions concerning your own identity.

If you choose to ignore my earlier explanations because they lack the immediately and concretely graspable answers you seek, then ultimately you will fail in achieving the utmost happiness you can for yourself. That is, after all, the reason you want to have sex right? Because you think it will make you happy?

By the way everyone: iouswuoibev is right. The premises of the original poster, however wrong and horrendously ridiculous they may be, are very prevalent in our culture. This forum is a publicly viewable one, and it is an opportunity for us to state the correct ideas for the record, for everyone in the world to see. If only a few people read and agree with our ideas, even if its not the original poster, then we have accomplished something very selfish for ourselves.

[Andromeda]

Okay, well this reply might be a bit off topic... but still it's all related.

As I've mentionned I would like to get more sex. I have been in situations where I could've gone all the way, but I didn't. Something was stopping me in my guts, and so I didn't. It just felt wrong.

All that I'm saying, is that I would like to get more sex (as ridiculous as it sounds).

And Tom, I didn't ignore your post. Maybe we both replied at the same time, I don't know, but I certainly didn't ignore your post.

I think I just got frustrated with time. Not so much frustrated with others than frustrated with myself.

Why?

I've been struggling to discover why exactly I just feel so bad and anxious so often and why I don't have much esteem or self-confidence. I don't know where it's coming from, my parents have raised me with values (although some of you might doubt it) and I've had an happy childhood. Things got harder in my teenhood but surely that's not enough to set you on a unfulfilling path in life.

So I am frustrated with myself. Some of you might think this is idiotic, to be upset with your very own ego, but it happens to me and others quite often.

The reason why I am frustrated is that I treat myself badly (cognitively speaking). I've done great things in my life, but it's as if I willingly decide to ignore those so I can stick with the "loser" profile which doesn't even represent reality. When I'm with people, I am just so worried about what they'll think. I don't see why their opinion makes such a difference. And when I do hear what they think, even if it's negative, it's never as worse as I thought It would be.

Values are important. I am very well aware I must figure out what I value. I know I value honesty and so I try to be honest as much as possible and that does make me feel good. I'm not sure what else I value apart from that. I have the intuition that the answer to my problem could very well come by figuring out what it is value and living in harmony in what I believe in. What are my values however, what do I believe in?

Some of you might not believe me, but I am not stupid. I don't think having sex will make me happy. It probably would, for a little while, but then I would feel miserable again. I know that, It's plain simple. What I would enjoy is the intimacy I suppose.

I don't know who mentionned making love with someone you do love. But here's the answer to that, I never had sex with someone I really loved. The only person I've done it with was my girlfriend but I don't think I really felt something for her, apart maybe for a slight attachment.

By the way everyone: iouswuoibev is right. The premises of the original poster, however wrong and horrendously ridiculous they may be, are very prevalent in our culture. This forum is a publicly viewable one, and it is an opportunity for us to state the correct ideas for the record, for everyone in the world to see. If only a few people read and agree with our ideas, even if its not the original poster, then we have accomplished something very selfish for ourselves.

Don't be so sure that I don't agree with you. I used to think the very same way years ago. But I somehow became confused as I could not create profound and meaningful relationships with others (apart from a few exceptions). So I thought, "Maybe what they want is some kind of jerk. Well, being nice certainly didn't help, what other alternatives have I got." What you think I believe this reasoning to be brilliant? Of course not, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Forget the whole sex thing. This isn't where lies my salvation anyway. It was good to read you guys, slapping across the face like that. Reminded me how absurd this mentality was.

I guess I'll go back to my old ways: being nice. If only I knew of some other alternative. Then again, once I discover what I value and live my life by those principle, I don't think I'll ever have to please others again, as pleasing myself will be more than sufficient.

I know, mentally, that the source of my esteem, of my sense of worth lies within, not without. But that's still very vague.

"The correct path". Truth is a pathless land said Krishnamurti, which pretty much represents what you've mentionned: We cannot help you with your identity. You're right.

But you know what? Guidance is good and very helpful. As long as it's a guidance which leads toward a greater autonomy, an empowerment of some sort.

You got a lot of thinking to do before you go looking for someone to have a relationship with.

I'm already well aware of that. I have to establish some kind of harmony within, an healthy relationship with my self before establishing one with someone else.

If you are sincere in wanting an actual respectable woman as a companion (a lady, if you will) I'll tell you this: Women (despite what feminists say) love strength. Not just physical strength, but most importatntly, strength of character. You've said you're a sensitive guy, which is a plus, but not a winner. The poetry writing, sweet guy is a great friend. He listens, he shares and understands feelings. But when it comes to a romantic partner, a guy who has a set of values he never waivers from, and whose honesty and intelligence are emminent, is always attractive. A man's posture in itself states a lot about his character. How he holds himself and behaves in his environment. Rand knew this. Notice how she describes Galt and Roark's postures and mannerisms. I guess its pride. The attractive part of a man's poture and manneisms is his pride in himself. He is proud of everything he is and everything he stands for.

Yes. That's what I was looking for. That's all the advice I needed. It also convinced me of my prior hypothesis, I've got to work on myself before moving on to others.

Sex, in its proper sense does not exist without love. If you wish to have more sex without loving someone, yes, you are a monster. If you want advice on how to have a woman fall in love with you, ok. I'll help you. But if you just want to make her think you love her to use her, then please do all of us women a favor and lock yourself up. We don't want you.

Well, this means there are many monsters among men, doesn't it? I would call them monsters however, the term is too strong to be credible. Exaggerations often have the exact opposite of what the objective was in using them. People who have sex without attachments are not monsters, they're as human as you and me.

Those comments were well appreciated. Thanks all of you for your replies.

Now, onward for my sacred quest for self-esteem. Well, I do respect myself so I guess that's a first step. What's next though...?

Étienne AKA Andromeda.

[Bold Standard]

Don't be so sure that I don't agree with you. I used to think the very same way years ago. But I somehow became confused as I could not create profound and meaningful relationships with others (apart from a few exceptions). So I thought, "Maybe what they want is some kind of jerk. Well, being nice certainly didn't help, what other alternatives have I got." What you think I believe this reasoning to be brilliant? Of course not, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

There's a term for this, Étienne. It's called "lowering your standards." That means degrading yourself and accepting something less than what you want, because you decide that what you really want is unobtainable. But one of the reasons I have for choosing my screen name, "Bold Standard," is because at a certain point in my life I identified this principle: "If you lower your standards, you lower your potential for happiness proportionately." When I realized that, I decided that I'd never lower my standards again. And that's why I always encourage people to set their standards high and never compromise. I want the people around me to be happy, and live at their fullest pottential. It's only then that they are capable of creating values that I want to trade with them.

Good luck in your search for self-esteem. Despite your bad premises, if you're honest with yourself I think you can find solutions to your problems (ie, better premises). Incidentally, many Objectivist Psychologists specialize in helping people raise their self-esteem. You might find helpfull insights here- Dr. Kennerhttp://www.drkenner.com/ and here- Dr. Hurd.

-DRM

[TomL]

What are my values however, what do I believe in?

...

Then again, once I discover what I value and live my life by those principle, I don't think I'll ever have to please others again, as pleasing myself will be more than sufficient.

...

Now, onward for my sacred quest for self-esteem. Well, I do respect myself so I guess that's a first step. What's next though...?

You're asking the right questions now. This is definitely good progress

What's next, you ask? You have to decide what you value, what principles to live by, and thus who you are. How do you do that? You need a philosophy. A philosophy will act as the rules by which you live: how you decide what to value, how to act in order to gain those values, and how you should feel about them.

For a man with such questions, obviously looking for a philosophy, the next step I recommend is to do some reading. If you would like to be entertained while you learn, read The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. If you want to go straight to the "meat", read The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand. Either of those will give you the clues you need to continue your quest for self-esteem and happiness (two very closely related terms, it turns out). You must learn to think in principle, which is the most difficult thing anyone can learn to do, if one doesn't do it already.

By the way, I am a very happily married man, with the woman of my dreams. It is possible to marry a princess; I've done it