The Atheist Son of Christian Parents

Miscellaneous Topics
1

As new as I am, I still feel that this is an issue that could use some honest advice.

Quite simply, my mother is a fundementalist Christian. She has been for as long as I have been alive, and looks as if she will be for as long as she continues her own life. I, thus, was raised in a strictly Christian home with “high” moral standards (I’ve never even sworn to my parents in earshot). Given my recent (a couple months) rejection of Christianity and my even more recent (a couple weeks) adoption of Atheism, I’ve come to a delimma that is bothering me on several different faces.

Do I keep quiet? This is the same mother that is in constant worry about her kids over everything. I feel that she could possibly breakdown if she was ever to know that I would not go to “heaven”. I feel like I am being dishonest to her and myself. I assume the objectivist answer would be to not sacrifice myself to anyone, even my mother. From what I understand, Objectivist applies to only one who adheres to objectivism completely. Is that true as well? If I don’t say anything, am I not an Objectivist?

  

2

In my experience fundie moms never give up hope her kid will see the light. Tell her and she’l be shocked but after a few months she might do what mne did, not mention it escept for the occasional “one day you’ll see…” and everyone is happy.

3

As new as I am, I still feel that this is an issue that could use some honest advice.

Quite simply, my mother is a fundementalist Christian. She has been for as long as I have been alive, and looks as if she will be for as long as she continues her own life. I, thus, was raised in a strictly Christian home with “high” moral standards (I’ve never even sworn to my parents in earshot). Given my recent (a couple months) rejection of Christianity and my even more recent (a couple weeks) adoption of Atheism, I’ve come to a delimma[sic] that is bothering me on several different faces.

Do I keep quiet? This is the same mother that is in constant worry about her kids over everything. I feel that she could possibly breakdown if she was ever to know that I would not go to “heaven”. I feel like I am being dishonest to her and myself. I assume the objectivist answer would be to not sacrifice myself to anyone, even my mother.

I’ll offer my advice. I gave up faith at around 14, and did not tell my mother that I was an atheist until about 17, and my father found out through my brother (who is a stool-pigeon ). My parents were (and still are) pretty lax when it comes to practicing their faith: I only went to church with them a handful of times in my life. With all of this in mind, I regret not telling them sooner about my rejection of Protestantism (and indirectly of all religions). They’ve always shown an interest in any issues or events which were affecting my life, and my decision to become an atheist was really important and I should have shared it with them earlier than I did.

However, if what you’re saying is true, that she doesn’t take new things well and could have a breakdown if you tell her about your atheism, then I would advise not telling her. If she would merely be unhappy about your decision, then I don’t think that should stop you from being honest with her; but you have indicated that it may be more serious than this.

Understand that I’m not advising you to lie to your mother; I’m not telling you to pretend that you’re still a devout Christian when in fact you are not; that would be dishonesty. Simply do not respond to issues relating to religion, unless she keeps prodding, and at that time you might have to tell her the truth, but again this may not be the best course of action due to possible mental breakdown.

From what I understand, Objectivist[sic] applies to only one who adheres to objectivism completely. Is that true as well? If I don’t say anything, am I not an Objectivist?

Well, I consider myself an Objectivist, and within my understanding of honesty and your particular situation, I advised you to say nothing about atheism, and I still think I’m an Objectivist. Your question suggests that you might not have a solid grasp of the virtues, since you appear to be implying that you have some sort of “moral duty” to tell your mother the truth, her mental health and your (as yet) undeveloped understanding of your own position notwithstanding.

I think you should check out the essay “Causality vs. Duty” in the book “Philosophy: Who Needs It,” but the point is that the Objectivist virtues are methods that you should employ to live a successful and fulfilling life, they are not commandments sent on high that you must blindly follow, in which context is thrown out of the window.

As for the first part of that quote, I would think that an Objectivist would adhere to Objectivism completely, whereas a student of Objectivism is still in the process of learning about the philosophy, so he may still be wondering about whether he should adhere to a given principle or not. I think you fit into the latter case.

Hope this is helpful.

4

As new as I am, I still feel that this is an issue that could use some honest advice.

Quite simply, my mother is a fundementalist Christian. She has been for as long as I have been alive, and looks as if she will be for as long as she continues her own life. I, thus, was raised in a strictly Christian home with “high” moral standards (I’ve never even sworn to my parents in earshot). Given my recent (a couple months) rejection of Christianity and my even more recent (a couple weeks) adoption of Atheism, I’ve come to a delimma that is bothering me on several different faces.

Do I keep quiet? This is the same mother that is in constant worry about her kids over everything. I feel that she could possibly breakdown if she was ever to know that I would not go to “heaven”. I feel like I am being dishonest to her and myself. I assume the objectivist answer would be to not sacrifice myself to anyone, even my mother. From what I understand, Objectivist applies to only one who adheres to objectivism completely. Is that true as well? If I don’t say anything, am I not an Objectivist?

Peikoff has talked about exactly this issue recently:

http://peikoff.com/MP3FILES/podcast1mix.mp3 (begins at ~ 1/3 of the podcast)

Hope this helps :stuck_out_tongue:

5

This is the same mother that is in constant worry about her kids over everything. I feel that she could possibly breakdown if she was ever to know that I would not go to “heaven”. I feel like I am being dishonest to her and myself.

Basic principles when dealing with parents:

1.) You owe it to her not to flaunt your views in her face while you’re still living under her roof. Once you’re on your own, all bets are off.

2.) She owes it to you not to interfere in your life. She doesn’t own you.

3.) SHE is the parent. HER mental stability is NOT your problem. Do not EVER parent your parents, even if they are hysterics that could probably use a good talking-to. This is hugely disrespectful. If you make it clear that you assume they can handle it, they will probably rise to the challenge. If they don’t, that’s their problem.

Questions to ask to prepare yourself:

1.) Will her reaction likely be worse when she finds out from someone else? (Not if, WHEN. Unless you’re planning on lying systematically to everyone you know.) In most cases, she’ll feel betrayed and lied-to even if you never actually lied. Usually better to tell her yourself.

2.) What will you do if she refuses to accept #2 above? This is the one that scares most people when dealing with their semi-rational parents, because they realize that their parents really DO think of their children as property and only allow their children liberty de facto instead of de jure, as a matter of conscious policy. If you don’t want your parents to own you, you have to accept the possibility that you may be forced to cut off *all* contact with them. (Or as much as is feasible if you are still living with them.) However, I doubt this will actually happen in your case. It’s pretty freakin’ rare.

6

Montrevux, if you suspect your parents will subject you to constant uncomfortable reconverting attempts until you are old enough to leave, you have no obligation to tell them the truth on this matter while you remain a minor. But do heed Jennifer’s advice, and realize that lies will be exposed eventually. You know your parents better than any of us.

7

I personally find it odd telling my parents, and they are hardly believers. I usually just let my contempt for Religion and the concept of God come out when necessary. ( After hearing something on the news dealing with religion, a conversation which brings up the idea of God ).

The ideal would be to tell your parents your beliefs, no matter how hard you might find it to tell them. You shouldn’t be ashamed of the truth. I’m sure your Christian morality has at least taught you that, but on the wrong premise.

I have a friend who doesn’t believe in god and told his mother. As a member above me said, mothers are normally shocked at the beginning and it may hurt them, but they get over it.

8

I think the problem here is that many religious people think, incorrectly, that if one goes from being religious to being non-religious (or becoming an atheist), then one will have no morals whatsoever and will run around like a wild man, shooting people at random, murdering passerby, stealing without guilt, and so forth. In other words, they have been inculcated into believing that all that is good about living in society comes from their belief in God, and that without that foundation, all reason goes out the window. Of course, this isn’t true if one becomes an atheist on rational grounds, especially if one comes across Objectivism as I did when I was a Catholic. However, there was no fully grounded in reason for morality until Objectivism, and maybe they don’t know much about that; so that Objectivism, at least, does not say, “God is dead; anything goes!”

I don’t know that I ever came out and told my parents that I had become an atheist. For one thing, even aside from the package deal noted above, it doesn’t really say anything about oneself or what ideals one is following. So, what I did was told my parents – when I dropped out of college to understand Objectivism – that if they wanted to understand why I was doing what I was doing then they should read Atlas Shrugged; because at that time, I couldn’t articulate Objectivism as well as I can today (that was thirty years ago).

I don’t think it should be kept as a big secret; that if you have decided to become an Objectivist that one ought to hide it from one’s parents. However, if you are at the age where they can legally kick you out of the house, then you might want to be looking around for a place to live and a way to earn a living. Some parents will kick you out and some won’t. I didn’t have to worry about that because I was about 18 years old and wanted my own place anyhow. It did create a rift between myself and my parents for a while; and in a way that is still there. But they have grown to accept it; and we get along well.

So, it might cause hardships at the beginning, but you have to live your own life – especially past the age of 18; and as Dr. Peikoff related in his “podcast” a few months ago, one cannot live one’s life based on somebody else’s emotional reaction to what you chose to do with your live. This holds true not only for atheism, but also if your parents want you to go into a career of their choosing instead of your own choosing.

Remember that rational independence is a virtue; so don’t become a second-hander when it comes to the ideals of your own life. For more information, see The Fountainhead.

And I would say deal with your own fear of rejecting religion rationally. Most likely that will be there at the beginning, but keep at your understanding of Objectivism – and keep reason and reality as your constant guide.

9

Telling your mom is the absolute best thing to do. It’s better that they know sooner so they can come to terms with it and accept it. No fooling them about you coming back to the fold.

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?act=idx <---- This is a good forum with alots of helpful tips about telling your loved ones your not a Christian anymore.

10

If she is told, hopefully she will not react like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM6BEGZ-spI

11

Personally, what I would do is just make your position be known when it need be, and leave it alone at that. Then you would be neither a closet Atheist nor one that must make his position clear at every possible chance. For instance, for me, I will make my position clear is one asks me to engage in a religious type of action, say, praying, but if one says “Bless you” or “Thank the lord” then such statements aren’t worthy of nit-picking.

Your mother may not appreciate the fact once you make your position clear, but your fine so long as you aren’t betraying your values.

If she is told, hopefully she will not react like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wM6BEGZ-spI

What makes me laugh the most about that video is how many responses (on another host’s account) there are to it trying to explain who is at fault, when so little information is available.

12

I’m still very much a student of Objectivism, but I’ll share my experience anyway…

My mom considered herself a Christian. She always wore a cross around her neck and kept a bible in the house and we ‘said grace’ before eating on holidays, but that was about the extent of it.

I became an atheist a few years ago, but I didn’t talk about it much (like I didn’t talk about my previous religious beliefs) and I don’t think my mom realized I no longer believed in god.

She battled cancer last year before it took her life. Her belief in god seemed to give her comfort near the end and I think that knowing that I didn’t believe would have really depressed her.

My thought is that, until I feel it’s a sacrifice to keep my beliefs to myself, why should I share? Of course, keeping your beliefs to yourself, and lying are two different things… and I’m glad I wasn’t put in the latter position with my mom.

Billy

13

http://humanistlife.net/?cat=4

This site has some good advice about your situation.

14

I’m going to update the situation.

I sit here today, extremely stressed and extremely worried. My parents officially found out this past weekend, first my mother and then my father. There was obviously shock. They asked me if I was atheist and I told them I was. I didn’t say anything beyond that. Now last night, my father, whom I never really thought to care about this subject to any extremity told me that I have to convince my mother that I believe in god or he will cut me off when I turn 18. He said that it was the worst thing I could have done to her and that I was an “ungrateful little sh*t” for doing so. He said he would give all my possessions to my younger brother and refuse to pay for my college.

Well, since I turn 18 in four days, I’m very scared. What should I do?

15

Go out on your own. Don’t be scared - be excited and energized. Now you’re free. Cut them loose, and never look back. No regrets.

16

Go out on your own. Don’t be scared - be excited and energized. Now you’re free. Cut them loose, and never look back. No regrets.

With a $6.50 an hour job, still in high school with no car to my name, no ability to pay for college and only the clothes on my body?

My only path would be to join the military.

17

My only path would be to join the military.

When I was that age, more than 1 friend had parental problems at the tail end of high school, and they managed fine thanks to friends. Of course it sux, but I seriously doubt that you are gonna get evicted in 4 days and have to join the army. It’s sad that your father is being a s*it, but some people never grow up, or they wait until they’re 70 to get a clue. Talk to a friend; then if he threatens to call the cops in 4 days, you have a backup plan.

18

Montrevux,

If you are being coerced in this way by your parents, I would lie now and then get the hell out of there as fast as you can. Your parents have no right to just chuck you out of the house with no money the day you turn 18. Nor do they have the right to give away your possessions.

It is not immoral to lie in this situation. Lie blatantly. If they are so self-evading that they pretend they believe you, then they are even more damned than I thought.

Protect yourself. Lying for a short period of time in this situation is not wrong. It is not a “sin.”

When you are ready, go forth and live a happy, independent life.

Best wishes,

GB

19

Is it your sense that your parents are bluffing? For instance, if you disappeared for a week would they be completely unconcerned?

20

Now last night, my father, whom I never really thought to care about this subject to any extremity told me that I have to convince my mother that I believe in god or he will cut me off when I turn 18. He said that it was the worst thing I could have done to her and that I was an “ungrateful little sh*t” for doing so. He said he would give all my possessions to my younger brother and refuse to pay for my college.

So much for Christian love.

Well, since I turn 18 in four days, I’m very scared. What should I do?

Personally, I don’t think you ought to lie your way out of this situation. It would be a bad habit to get into at your age. A better habit would be to get a place of your own, or find a roommate, keep working on your job and get a better one, and then file for all the scholarships and loans you can get to go to college. Actually, I wouldn’t even necessarily push the college angle, since I have a double major in physics and philosophy and it never got me a good paying job.

Don’t blow it out of proportion. Find a place to stay and move out rather than to give in to their manipulations.

Look at it this way, according to the Bible, Adam and Eve were kicked out of paradise, but with reason, you don’t need to be anyone’s domesticated animal anyhow. You’ll be better off away from your parents – at least as they are now.

If you turn back now and give in to them and say you are really not an atheist and that it was a mistake, it will haunt you for the rest of your life that you didn’t have the courage of your convictions, so don’t do that.