rosskeim

How can I deceive myself? Whether she actively attempted to deceive me or not, she deceived me. That is not to say that my judgement was without flaw, but I did not deceive myself. I did not get mad at her. I was disappointed. I was disappointed that she wasn't who I believed her to be, not who she ought to be. After that realization, it was a matter of determining what value she would have to me as a friend, and I couldn't find any. I believe you're right. Yes. I never tried to force anything. I was simply trying to figure out where my judgement failed me so that I can avoid it happening again.

I completely agree with this statement. And in my recent case, it was a combination of a possible "booty call" and a kind of dependancy where she wanted to enjoy other benefits of being my "friend," while not taking the responsibility to evaluate whether she had any value to me as a "friend" and go from there. I wasn't too excited about the thought of being her "friend" after a conversation where she revealed that she felt a certain duty to a leech of a person that she calls her friend. While I never explicitly told her that I didn't want to talk to her again, I didn't make any effort to return her messages later on. And then from a recent interaction I've confirmed that her view of friendship is like a web of dependancy that 'just is.' I know that this is common, but I usually stay very far away from that kind of thing. And I can understand that someone might be worth jumping through a few hoops for if you truly value them as an individual and no sacrifice is going on. But I really evaluated what kind of a person she is, and honestly can't explain the initial attraction. It wasn't purely sexual, but it definitely coincided. Originally I didn't fully realize her two-sided, Jekyll and Hyde, nature. But after I did, I think it was difficult for me to accept it for some reason. I guess I just couldn't understand how someone could be a beautiful, fun, and productive individual for a lot of the time, and then turn into someone with no respect for themselves and shrug it off as normal. How do we know when certain flaws overshadow a healthy "potential?" Or is it a flaw to take the good with the bad? I believe the latter. But I guess encounters with people you fail to see fundamental flaws in happen when you're not as wise as you should be, and it's a part of the learning process to focus on what you saw in them as good and move on to the next pursuit with a finer comb to filter with. But in my own mind, it still hasn't been resolved. I still don't quite understand how someone can be that way and why I was so easily deceived. And I guess it's just in my stubborn nature to not just give up and ignore a situation where I was deceived. It really hits me in the core. I really despise that lack of control.

Thanks for the replies. After some ups and downs I finally realized that she's not what I want. She was leeching off my energy, and she would have continued for as long as I let her. She's not who I thought she was, and when I realized it I don't think I wanted to accept it. Was it optimism? Or was it compromise? Whatever the source may be, I need to figure it out and prevent it from happening again. I've officially written her off and won't continue ANY kind of relationship with her at all. She's not even worthy enough to be called a friend.

Yes. I've known her for about 3 1/2 weeks. I used the term "relationship" in more of a general sense. Beyond the mutual sexual attraction, there was a level of trust that I thought had been reached and there seemed to be a great appreciation for eachother's goals. It certainly is possible. The problem is that she's inconsistent. Yes, I understand that. I suppose it was a case of wishful thinking to believe I could summon it out of her. I confronted her about it and asked her what she wanted from me. Essentially she explained that she's only looking for occasional sex. She wants to be commitment-free, and be able to flip the switch on or off at a moment's notice. This certainly does satisfy my sexual needs, but I'm not sure whether it would be irresponsible for me to take advantage of it. I realized that she's been in at least one abusive relationship of dependancy and control. She doesn't seem to believe that you can have an exclusive relationship that totally satisfies both parties. It almost seems like she takes pride in labeling herself as too complex for anybody to understand. She doesn't want anybody to understand her, and actually said that it's not possible to really understand another. So I took that as a cue that she's not someone I can trust enough to pursue something exclusive until she's honest with herself and me. Having said that, is it possible to have a purely sexual relationship that is in fact healthy?

I recently met someone that I grew to have intense feelings for. It was blatantly obvious that she felt the same way. The experiences we had were nothing like friendship at all. Eventually I was blindsided when she says she's not into "committment or emotional stuff," and instead she's too into her goals to be "side-tracked." I backed off, but explained myself and the fact that I don't do casual. But now she's talking to me again as if there's nothing wrong. I entertained it for a couple days in the hopes that she just needed some space. But now this is extremely disheartening because I'm left feeling unsatisfied and confused at her intentions or how I go about resolving this. Either she's denying her feelings for me or she's an extremely deceptive and manipulative individual. If she is denying herself, how do I go about this? I don't think I could stand being her friend. I don't need more friends. I need passion and romance. She's not being honest with me. I think I need to ask her what she wants from me, or what she values in our relationship. If she's intent on just 'being friends,' do I blow it out of the water and move on or do I leave the onus on her and possibly allow something to happen down the rode when she's not "side-tracked?" When you have romantic feelings for someone, it is even possible to have a valuable friendship?