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I've always wondered if it’s me who’s abnormal, or if it’s the world. I don’t know if this is the result of my interest in subjects usually too "weird" or "unapproved" for the young adult, or if my interests are the consequences of my feelings of alienation. I discovered early that it is impossible to be in the company of “friends” (I feel that I’ve only ever had one, and that was when I was 10) or most people my age and read a non-fiction book without getting looks of disapproval or associated embarrassment from “friends”. Interests outside of sport and music (mainstream only) elicit a similar response, more commonly combined with an amused and ridiculing laughter. Meet me in the street or at a public gathering and ask me what type of music I like. I won’t lie. But I won’t be telling you the truth either. You will not hear about Beethoven, John Williams, Richard Strauss, and Nancy Sinatra… etc. You will not catch me listening to any of these, and if you do I’ll be embarrassed (experience, I guess). Ask me what I’m interested in. I won’t tell you. I’m just the average guy right, I get drunk (alone too), fuck (never at home so they wont ever get to see what I read and enjoy, also my parents are nosey) and like rock and sometimes other shitty music. Now here’s my problem. How far do I go to become apart of society? See I don’t want to be a recluse or a miserable sod. I really want to have friends. Reading Rand’s literature for me initially caused me to dismiss everyone as “inferior” to me (bullocks if you ask me). It was just me rationalizing my pain. I’ve also read that lonely people are usually ones who have the most to offer. This also sounds to me like just rationalizing the pain to justify your lonely miserable existence (obviously I do not claim that everyone is lonely or miserable). I feel and have felt weak (for a long time), like everything is against me, including myself. I realize how malevolent this sounds. But how can I tell myself this when everyday for me seems to be a struggle and all my greatest moments are isolated in the rest of my hitherto difficult existence? So far I realize I need to address this on two-levels. The first is internal (my beliefs): confidence in myself, activities etc and external: meeting more new people at bars, book stores or wherever else.