RebirthOfReason

I told her outright when I found out about the pregnancy that I wanted the pregnancy terminated and, failing that, that I thought the child should be put up for adoption. When she determined that she wanted to keep the child, I initially thought that I would try to maintain visitation (as in the second option). It was more recently that I actually bothered to question the assumption that there was a moral duty to "be there" for the child. I should have (and will be in the future) more blunt about my intentions and opinions about the situation, emphasizing the fact that her choice to keep the child and raise it herself imposes an obligation on her to be here for the child - not an obligation on me (other than the legal obligation for financial support). To clarify, the child has not yet been born - it is due in the beginning of July.

You are correct in saying that it is excruciatingly difficult to prove unfit parenting under the laws as they stand, which are stacked greatly in favor of he mother. As the child has not yet been born, this would be essentially impossible to prove right now (unless she was drinking, smoking, injecting heroin, etc. while pregnant). Unfortunately, a demonstrated intent to destroy the child's ability to think for himself isn't considered child abuse--though it should be. As far as the legal support obligations, these are prescribed in the Florida Statutes and there is really no way either she nor I could go outside of them. The statutes (Fla. Stat. § 61.30) are essentially designed to estimate the cost per month of raising the child, and assign the expected contribution of each parent based upon their comparative incomes (inherently unjust, in my opinion-even though as I am situated right now, it would benefit me), and the number of overnight stays with the non-custodial parent. This isn't quite as draconian as the automatic percentage of income that (as I understand it) has been used in other states in the past (and possibly now - I am largely unfamiliar with family law and especially family law outside of Florida). I have already retained a very good family law attorney and she and I will discuss the legal implications of each decision further. As far as I can tell from the extent of the comments I've read so far (and I thank you all for your insight), it appears that the decision to terminate parental rights and simply pay the child support each month is a moral choice here (as I thought in the beginning). What about the morality of the alternate choice--namely to maintain visitation and avoid the 'drama' the best that I can? As I see it, it depends upon my rational valuation of (a) whatever personal benefit I receive from knowing that I am raising the child as a rational being to the best of my ability (however that may be hampered by her parenting) compared against ( the costs to me of dealing with her for 18+ years and the opportunity costs of maintaining that visitation and remaining in the child's life.

I realize that this implicates much of the same chain of reasoning as has been discussed throughout this thread, but I write (my first post, incidentally) both to invite anyone to point out flaws in my reasoning that I may have missed and to clarify my thoughts more fully in my head. I'm going to preface this by stating that I am, indeed, the person in the following situation and that I fully appreciate the treason that I committed against myself in the first place (this will be explained more fully below). Last year, I slept with a woman (who we'll call "Jamie", well... because that's her name - I don't think that there is any danger of specific identification of either of us through this forum). Jamie and I had been acquaintances since 2006. I knew (or should have known) when we met that Jamie was not a heroine in any sense of the word. I explicitly told her before we had sex that I had no interest in being in a relationship with her. I won't make any attempt to defend my actions save to say that I understand now what I should have understood then - that my decision to debase myself by sleeping with her reflected my own self-loathing and my having sex with her constituted a treason against my self and against every value that I hold. When we had sex, our primary protection (condom) failed, and I drove immediately to the ATM to withdraw money so that she could pick up the morning after pill from the pharmacy in the morning. Two weeks after that, I received a phone call from Jamie telling me that she was pregnant. I strongly suspect that she never took the morning after pill at all (for several reasons - including the lack of the physical symptoms that I understand usually result from taking the pill and the fact that she took a pregnancy test exactly two weeks following conception leads me to suspect that she was hoping to become pregnant). The next day, we drove to the doctor to have a more accurate test performed, which confirmed the pregnancy. I made an appointment with her for options counseling at Planned Parenthood. In the meantime, I researched the various options on my own - including looking at all of the gruesome photos that the anti-abortionists like to throw out there so as not to deceive myself from any implications of any option. After options counseling and my own research, I told Jamie that I thought that the pregnancy should be terminated (either through the vacuum-aspiration/surgical method or the 'abortion pill'. either of which were options at the time since it was so early in the pregnancy). She told me, essentially, that she did not want an abortion no matter what. I then told her that, if she didn't want to have an abortion, adoption was the next best option in my opinion, given that both of us were in school and no matter what I did not want to be in a relationship with her. She told me that she was willing to go to see the adoption counselor but that it would be futile as she knew that she "wouldn't be able to give up [her] child". (Incidentally, both she and her parents are quite religious and her parents also encouraged her to keep and raise the child.) I have since entered into a relationship with a true heroine, who now cannot fully trust me (and rightfully so) since the values that I have long purported to hold (those of rationality, productivity, etc.) do not match up with my actions (debasing myself by granting that ultimate physical act of mutual celebration to one that warranted no such celebration). Jamie has indicated through several actions that she wants to exercise control over me (i.e. wanting me to tell her before I started dating anyone, wanting me to call or text her regularly about things unrelated to the child - who is not yet born, etc.). Ultimately, (I promise I am coming to a point soon) my conflict now centers around the comparative morality between the following two options: (1) Maintaining visitation rights to the child and trying to be a part of the child's life both financially and emotionally, while trying to sidestep Jamie's attempts to exert control over me through my ties to the child or (2) Voluntarily terminating my paternity rights and simply providing financial support while being open to a relationship with the child when it is older if he (the child) wants one when he is old enough to choose. Note that I do not dispute my financial duty to support the child, either legally or morally, only any 'duty' to be there for the child other than one voluntary taken on. As I see it, the morals are essentially balanced for either decision - making either decision an appropriate moral choice. The most immoral choice would be to compound my initial treason and try to force myself to be in a relationship with Jamie, thus sacrificing my own happiness and the child's by making him constantly question why his parents resent each other and teaching him that happiness is not achievable in life. The choice to maintain visitation rights and try to raise the child as a separate family when he is with me is moral so long as I value the child and the personal satisfaction derived from teaching a new being how to think on his own and the necessary life-death dichotomy implicit in every moral decision (as evidenced by the implications of my own decision to betray my values). The decision to terminate my parental rights and provide only financial support is moral to the extent that the value of my missed opportunities and the happiness I would be sacrificing to dealing with Jamie for the next 18+ years is more valuable to me than what currently remains a potentiality, and even upon being born, has no moral claim on my life simply by virtue of sharing my DNA and having been the product of my death-choice. Feel free to comment and identify any flaws in my reasoning. As I said, I recognize that my ultimate failure was in having sex with Jamie at all (whether or not it had resulted in a pregnancy). I am re-learning my own value and the vital important of my mind, happiness, and self-esteem (hence the display name), and it is a hard lesson to learn at times. However, the moral decision I am facing now is whether to maintain visitation or to terminate my parental rights. I thank you in advance for your thoughts (and the time taken in reading this rather lengthy post) and it is my aim to live up to those virtues and re-earn those values that I have betrayed.