This is a personal message I wrote to Aspiring Objectivist, in response to a situation he brought up in a thread titled “Can You Love Who You Can’t Truly Respect?” With his permission, I am posting it here, because it might be of interest and value to others.
Aspiring Objectivist: She “likes” me, too, but is not ready to date yet because of an experience in her past.
MisterSwig: I got that line, too, when I was in high school. My favorite though was: “My father won’t let me date.”
I agree with MisterSwig that her statement is a line. It always is.
One thing you need to know about women is that they do not reject you directly. There is always some “reason,” some excuse offered. She turns down the date not because she’s not attracted to you, but because she has a class that night, or she’s working late, or she’s just getting out of a relationship and she needs time to herself, etc… She says these things in part because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. A noble motive, perhaps, though it usually just ends up confusing us men and giving us false hope.
We are not currently in a relationship - we are very, very good friends, and I have been open with her about my thoughts, and she knows completely how I feel about her, the good and the bad.
Now, you’re 16; still young, but definitely not a kid anymore. At some point you’re going to have to make a choice: you’re either dating a woman, or she’s a friend. As a strong, confident, romantic man, you cannot allow yourself to have ambiguous relationships with women. You have to decide early on whether you’re interested in a woman; whether or not, generally speaking, she’s your “type.” If she is, you date her. You request her phone number, you ask her out, and you take her out on a date. If she’s not interested, for whatever reason, fine. Move on to the next candidate. You don’t become bosom buddies and hope that, somehow, the friendship will transform into a torrid love affair.
I know you’re confused about this girl, and you’re not sure if you want a relationship with her. But your statements indicate a certain attitude which is very mistaken, yet very common among sensitive and intelligent men – one which is terribly a-romantic, which women find enormously unattractive, and which brings men nothing but misery. Especially disturbing is your statement about how you have been so “open” with this girl about your feelings for her. A lot of guys think that a romantic relationship begins with a confession of feelings. It might for Ross on Friends, but in actual reality, it doesn’t work that way.
Nimble: If you guys arent even dating yet, and you give her lectures, that might be WHY YOU ARENT DATING YET. I hate getting lectured. You might want to try getting to know her better before discussing your most deepest convictions and beliefs.
Aspiring Objectivist: I don’t lecture her. . . . If this level of intimacy in a friendship doesn’t permit the sharing of convictions, I don’t know what does.
Be very careful with the “sharing of convictions.” It’s extremely easy, if you’re expressing views which conflict with her’s, to make a woman feel like you’re attacking her personally. It’s a terrible turn-off, yet guys do it all the time. If she expresses opinions that you disagree with, listen to her, and try to elicit her core values which underlie her position. Then, later on, decide if what you’ve observed is so out of line as to be a dealbreaker. If it is, then you don’t date her anymore. If not, then you accept it about her and you never ever argue about it.
People in relationships come “as-is.” You must never try to change the other person in any way, or even appear to be trying to change them. You must never argue or debate or try to make her “see the light” on any subject, ever, even if you know you’re right. You wouldn’t like it if a woman did something that made you feel like you’re not good enough for her – yet – and that she can’t accept and love you for who you are. And believe me, women are ten times more sensitive than men in this respect.
All right, enough abuse. You’re to be commended for your willingness to consider important personal issues in so thoughtful and intelligent a manner. Most guys your age are wrestling with questions such as why the beer isn’t coming out of the keg or whether they’ll “score” on their date tonight. Keep on using your mind, don’t beat yourself up over your feelings, and enjoy the process of dating and love. Before too long the rational women will be seeking you out.
