Mastering the Romance Genre

Psychology and Self Improvement Relationships, Love, Sex, Romance
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(This is an article I wrote for my romantic advice blog for men — The Leading Man.)

 

Ashleigh Brilliant once remarked:  “I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a good fantasy.”

 

I don’t recommend that anyone ever give up on their quest for the truth. However the statement has some interesting application to the subject of romance . . .

 

Women are looking for a “good fantasy.” Women are tired of day-to-day, ordinary reality, fed up with the grind that passes for “real life.”

 

A woman longs for color and spice in her life — particularly in her love life.

 

Women consume an astonishing amount of fiction. I know women who read more books and watch more movies in a month than I do in a year!

 

The best-selling category of publishing has long been romance. Who reads romance novels? It’s not men.

 

To sweep a woman off her feet, you have to be her fantasy man. You must represent something exciting, unusual and different to her.

 

Remember always that a woman wants to feel: conversation about mundane, “practical” topics generally gets you nowhere fast.

 

Make a woman laugh — ask her silly, offbeat questions, like: “Which would you rather encounter if you were walking in the forest, an Ewok or a Hobbit?” or “If you could be any kind of fruit or vegetable for a day, which would it be?”

 

Demonstrate to her that you’re a confident, adventurous man, unafraid to step outside the constraints of average, “regular life.”

 

This doesn’t mean that you take her skydiving or involve her in death-defying stunts. But when you’re operating within the genre of romance, you have to think outside the box.

 

Show me a woman who’s involved with a man who brings a high degree of creativity to his interaction with her — who keeps her enthralled through mystery and intrigue — a man who understands how to arouse anticipation in her — who connects with her on a deep emotional level, activating her senses and stimulating her imagination — and I’ll show you a woman who very likely won’t be leaving her man any time soon!

 

© 2013 Kevin Delaney

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Why do all (or at least many) of your relationship advice posts seem like you’re preoccupied with trying to do whatever you can do to tell guys to try to impress women?

 

To sweep a woman off her feet, you have to be her fantasy man. You must represent something exciting, unusual and different to her.

 

But ARE you her fantasy man? You … the true you, the way you are, right now? Are you exciting, unusual, different (in a good way) for her? Or are you trying to act like it?

 

 

ask her silly, offbeat questions, like: “Which would you rather encounter if you were walking in the forest, an Ewok or a Hobbit?” or “If you could be any kind of fruit or vegetable for a day, which would it be?”

 

Ok. Fine enough, if that’s your sense of humor and way of being fun and lighthearted naturally. No problems there. But the way you’re suggesting these things, it sounds like try-hard-ism and gimmickry. If that silly, offbeat sense of humor isn’t really you, naturally, then please, please save yourself the embarrassment and don’t try to fake it.

 

 

Demonstrate to her that you’re a confident, adventurous man, unafraid to step outside the constraints of average, “regular life.”

 

But are you? If you are, then why does someone have to tell you to “demonstrate” it to her?

 

But when you’re operating within the genre of romance, you have to think outside the box.

 

“Thinking outside the box” sounds like another way to say “try to be something you’re actually not.” Sounds like a recipe for fakery and a general regret later, on her part, for being fooled into thinking you’re all these things you had portrayed yourself to be, but when she got to know you better, you didn’t have a quirky and offbeat personality, you didn’t think outside of the box, and you weren’t her fantasy man, and all you did was waste her time, and yours as well.

 

I think you’re better off telling guys to find out whom they are and what they believe in, and  giving themselves full self-approval to be that unapologetically and unfearfully, rather than trying to tell guys to “think outside the box” and try to be some woman’s “fantasy man.”

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Secondhander, from a woman’s point of view, this guy wouldn’t get through any smart woman’s front door.  He’s living in his own little fantasy world where he’s a leading man.  Let’s not disillusion him.

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Only trying to do my part, claire :wink: Gotta save some poor souls from making a few regrettable mistakes. 

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Why do all (or at least many) of your relationship advice posts seem like you’re preoccupied with trying to do whatever you can do to tell guys to try to impress women?

 

In one important sense, a man must  “impress” a woman, and he must consciously intend to do so. A woman cannot fall in love with a man if she isn’t impressed with him.

 

How a man goes about this, of course, is crucially important. But the fact remains that modern women are suffering from a glut of totally unimpressive guys. Men who know what they’re doing in the area of romance have become virtually extinct.

 

But ARE you her fantasy man? You … the true you, the way you are, right now? Are you exciting, unusual, different (in a good way) for her? Or are you trying to act like it?

 

A man should always be his authentic self. He should also be his best, most attractive, most masculine self.

 

The average man today doesn’t have the faintest clue what masculinity means and consists of. Consequently, he’s helpless in his relationships with women — experiencing heartache, heartbreak and confusion. My purpose is not to transform a man into someone other than who he is, or who he wants to be, but to help him discover this lost aspect of himself and learn how to apply it to his relationships.

 

“Thinking outside the box” sounds like another way to say “try to be something you’re actually not.”

 

It means: Put in an effort. Study romance, pay attention to the way women respond to you, and relax and have fun exploring the process.

 

As an addendum, here’s something an attractive young woman whom I know in Los Angeles posted recently on Facebook:

 

Dating for women these days: . . . Men from 20 to 30 want to play video games, smoke weed, make jokes about poo and can’t take their eyes off their phone. And the ones in between like to send dumb texts instead of calling (“Yo, wazzup?”), can’t make a decision or a plan (“I want to do whatever you want to do”) and lack independence and chivalry (“Can you pick me up on your way to the bar?” and “You good to pay for this or shall we go dutch?)” Oh… my… God…………. A moment of silence for “ma sistas” in the dating game right now.

 

Remember, I’m the bad guy because I advocate that we men grow up, man up, accept responsibility and do the right thing in romance!

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I’m reminded of Tom Cruise’s character, Frank Mackey, in the film Magnolia, but tailored to an Objectivist audience.

J

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“How a man goes about this, of course, is crucially important. But the fact remains that modern women are suffering from a glut of totally unimpressive guys. Men who know what they’re doing in the area of romance have become virtually extinct.”

 

You are SO right!  Kevin, you may be genuinely trying to impress a woman.  I approve whole-heartedly.  But the things you are suggesting are a turn-off to women.  Example:  first date, 45 minute coffee.  I’m guessing you want to appear cool.  Kevin, if a man did that to me, he’d be history in 46 minutes.  Cool is unimpressive.  Genuine interest is not the same as being needy.  I want to respect a man, but a man who isn’t interested in me won’t get it.

 

Just consider a woman’s point of view.  It’s women you’re trying to impress, right?

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But the fact remains that modern women are suffering from a glut of totally unimpressive guys. Men who know what they’re doing in the area of romance have become virtually extinct.

 

Is this really fact?  I would argue that modern men suffer the same in terms of women.

 

 

 

A man should always be his authentic self. He should also be his best, most attractive, most masculine self.

 

The average man today doesn’t have the faintest clue what masculinity means and consists of.

 

I agree they don’t know, but neither do most women know what masculinity means.