Matt

this seems most logical to me... i think the real problem here is i have a hard time letting go and dwell a lot... i also try to fantasize or idealize my way into things were/could of been perfect when they were far from it and likely never would be. Right now i have a gf who on paper is everything i want, i need to learn to appreciate the here and now

wow, maybe this realisation is what's making me feel horrible and pent up with regret... times past since we broke up. fuck

Thanks, you are right and what you say makes a lot of sense. I realize it was those same good traits you mentioned among with other things i loved, combined with those same bad traits you mentioned in her past (not so distant past before she met me) that i couldn't ignore, some say the past doesnt matter but to me it did...for example having a child with an undesirable person, breaking up soon after having the baby then having sex with a thug, as well as discovering thats the kind she seemed to be giving attention to before she met me... among a few other bad qualities which outweighed the good, still though the emotional trigger is to be romantically involved with someone "like that" who i really enjoyed doing things for and trying to make her a part of my life getting her involved in the things i enjoy, although those traits in that particular case came with a bunch of undesirable qualities that made for a destructive relationship and ultimately would of made for a destructive future. I want to have those emotions for the "ideal woman" who may not be as racy and unexpected but had all the classic qualities of a good woman and aids and supports me in my endeavors without the added drama and stress.

Brilliant post. I have a question if i may though which relates to the original posters situation: How do you align your emotions with what you know is right? For example: Say i am attracted to someone on a very sexual basis although they do not make a good or logical choice for a partner like i have done in the past. And even fell in love with her as you did in a similar experience... where as with a girl who is good natured and on paper has everything i would want in a girl doesnt spark the same sexual response or feelings of "love" It is likely that i am attracted to the wrong thing sexually and emotionally... how would i change this? to pick my partners based on this emotion would be overall destructive as was the previous relationship i was in with the girl i was in love with and had this chemistry for... I find it tough to align those emotions with the right person; I want to feel what i do for the "slut" for the "ideal woman"... makes sense

I should thank you again for this post, its a brilliant reminder. I was reading this: Why, if you’re a woman, you should never let others make you feel like a slut because you slept with a man you were attracted to: Did I feel a physical desire for him? I did. Was I moved by the passion of my body? I was. Have I experienced the most violent form of sensual pleasure? I have. If this now makes me a disgraced woman in your eyes – let your estimate be your own concern. I will stand on mine. from here: http://lifewithsoul.com/2008/12/ayn-rand-o...1/#comment-6634 and got irritated at this comment left on the article: Shameless Says: Interesting post yet I find it quite contradictory. I really liked the first part in which you explain why a woman never should feel a slut only because she slept with a man she felt attracted to. I think that women have a right to enjoy sex as men, break out of the current social conditioning and – if they want to – have the same right to sleep around as guys have. In that sense I found the viewpoints in your post quite modern. But then, in the last article it looks as if you completely fall back into old “machist” thoughrpatterns when you state that the highest-quality woman are the hardest to conquer and always give more satisfaction than a “brainless slut”. Isnt this just the old social conditioning, where difficult to conquer = high quality girl and fast to conquer = slut? Yes, I agree that we should strive for a high-quality, interesting girl with whom you can share a conversation and interesting experiences but this is absolutely not related to whether she will have sex with me sooner or later… Love your posts, always interesting and inspiring even though I might disagree… Cheers, Fede shows how people like to twist things in order to suit themselves... i left this comment: Matt Says: Fede i think you’re misunderstanding. having sex with someone you are attracted to should be based on self esteem (and values, trusting that this person is someone of quality with admirable virtues)… not on whim alone Ayn didnt believe in promiscuity ------------------------------------------ I remembered this post and referred back to it to keep me cool

You are certainly right that i am a very guilty person in my own mind and it'd the guilt that weighs me down. I will take positive action from here on out though.

Thank you MoralParadise for the reply. I think it's a really good advice to be outside myself and not give a shit about those who kinda don't give a shit about themselves, and like you said act like animals, animals which choose to ignore the long term consequence of their actions and act on impulse and thought which has not been investigated as to what the reasons are of if its a rational thought. LOL, my ex actually justified her slutty behaviour as "I wanted sex, so i had sex" but apparently wouldnt do it again because there was no intimacy, i suppose she will try and fake that too. But you are right i realise now it is none of my concern and i also wont be bothered as to how people interpret my "i dont care attitude" because im already tired of appeasing people i dont want to listen to. Thanks

This is true. I really dont particularly like the people who train there, a lot of the guys who go there are those who like to fight for fighting sake and for no real virtue other than enjoying violence. So i'm already alienated from the group and very reserved when i went there. If she is going to shit stir and make me feel awkward i know it will test my character when im already perhaps insecure of how others view me as im already an outcast as i dont share the same mentality as the others. I want to realise my dream more than anything and it is something i ought to do. I would like to know how i can strengthen my character to be able to cope with this. By the way... Maximus was a bad mother f*****

I have been away from training MMA (mixed martial arts) for over a year because of surgery for an injury. Im very passionate about training (ever since i was a little boy i wanted to be a world champion) but in that time my club has moved to a venue where my ex goes to the gym. She is a very sly person and i know that since she is already friends with the gym staff she will spread rumours about me to the people who train MMA at this new venue and possibly get into relationships with the people i'd be training with. In all honesty despite the new venue and facilities looking fantastic, confronting my ex has put me off returning to the club and it will probably be atleast another year untill im mentally prepared to go back if at all. I know deep inside there will be a reaction to seeing her in the gym as i go into class and perhaps she's even taking the class too. I very much want to avoid confrontation but if i go back it'll be inevitable. By the way this MMA club is the best in Europe and theres not many others around, not that are local and definitely not that are anywhere near as good as this one. Please help Matt

Thank you Jill for the article that is of great interest to me. Peripetia, thanks for your wonderful post. The people on this forum as so helpful and offer great value in their advice. Could i ask you where you came across this "10 second rule"? I will certainly adopt this method

good advice, that may be where i'm going wrong. It is also partly the hurt of my ego of knowing she is doing the same and i will be forgotten, or forgotten already after the good times shared and effort i put in. I need to selfishly think of myself and overcome my ego edit: It was her who said she couldn't speak to me any longer because i felt i couldn't be with her after her drunken behaviour after we were through and by not speaking to me anymore it would be easy for her to "block it out" like she does with other things in her life

Thanks for the above posts, in all honesty i'm like this because i have a feeling my ex is being promiscuous with the wrong people as she was before she met me. I stupidly thought after almost 2 years being together she'd changed but now we are through she's back to her old ways. But it's none of my business and perhaps i cared more than i ever should have. I need to come to terms with it and take heed of the advice given in this thread.

Just went to a bar with some friends and saw people hooking up after a drink or two. I get home and there's a show on with a comedian from london who is notorious for having sex with lots of women. Bothers me immensely almost as if there's no justice and being a pleasure seeker sexually has no reprocussions. Perhaps i'm just scared that i'm missing out and i'm the one with the problem

It's strange to me how people can achieve orgasms having sex without a connection. Ayn says that the mind cannot be detached from the physical act and so how can people enjoy degrading themselves

Alfa, what is your opinion on the topic?

Thank you whYNOT, that is the point that i believe in but had trouble trying to get across. Also, a good quote by Nathaniel Branden. I enjoyed his writing in the Virtue of Selfishness... is it not ironic though how he was later labelled a liar, cheater and a con -man by Ayn Rand

While i agree with what you say about trying to moralize people (its a waste of time), on the other hand i dont associate with people like that now anyway. I feel that one's friends are a reflection of himself and so "pissing someone off" is the least of my concern if they find i do not go out with them anymore because i wont get drunk and make an idiot of myself. These people go out and have "fun" yet i'm not having fun watching them try to fake an attempt at being happy or joyful. I want to reiterate that i dont try and endoctrine my beliefs on anyone and i dont preach. I just have firm beliefs and dont shy away from expressing them. If other people dont like it's not my problem

They seem happy to be doing it as they keep having sexual partners without a meaningful relationship. For me it was hard to meet someone who shared my belief on this. And it enters my mind about going against the grain and social trends because i've had a lot of social conditioning to be that way but i am trying and will continue to try to be as well informed and a practitioner of objectivism as you guys.

I never said it was right to be mad, i dont want to be an angry person - but the fact is right now it does make me mad. Reason being is because people try to justify their animalistic behaviour and see ME as the one with the issue. I find it to be negative and so the negativity gets me in the frame of mind where i get mad about it because these people who act on whims seem to be "happy" doing so, I get frustrated thinking how people like that can be happy when i try so hard to be the opposite and struggle in the other direction to go against the grain of "normal" social behaviour

intellectualammo, thanks for your post although im not sure that it would be healthy to make love to a doll as you cant make love to someone who is unconcious, not human... just my opinion though, im open to being corrected

I dont believe sex is wrong, immoral, bad, sinful or whatever the labels are that can be placed on it to be viewed in a negative way. I believe sex is a great expression of ones values that they see in their partner and share love making together. But where i live, the country i was raised in (England) and im sure its the same in the U.S, sex for sex's sake is typical and thought of as "nothing wrong with it". For me, to have multiple sexual partners going from one to the other says low self esteem. Im watching a show right now on TV called big brother, basically then take a dozen people from the public and lock them in a house for 14 weeks and see how they cope. One of the discussions was how many partners each had sexually in total, "somewhere under 50" was the majority of answers by the housemates and saying how 5 or 6 a year isnt a bad thing. To me this is disgusting and i could never accept being in a relationship with someone who gives away the most intimate way to express themselves loosely Am i wrong here or are my views shared with other objectivists such as yourselves?

I'm curious to ask; What would you do, or what would your reaction be if your wife told you she wanted to introduce another man into the threesome

I dont know if its worth adding that before i met her i made some wrong choices sexually but i realised i dont want to be a man whore, and had stopped since. It was the permanency of her choices and the fact she act like a slut after her son was born.

bluecherry thank you so much, i will read and re-read the post you made many times untill its clear in my mind. Im entirely thankful for your post and showing kindness for taking the time to write it, i hope i can contribute something for you in the future. I'd already got my new gf to change her look a bit and she has even read the fountain head, virtue of selfishness and atlas shrugged to join me in my quest to become an objectivist. I know im not treating my girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated, i need to show her more love... its as if my ex's bad habits have rubbed off on me... You are right that i was unconcious and avoided reality in the sense that i chose to ignore things like her having a kid (how ridiculous is that) and the poor choice of the father of her son. I do miss her deeply, but fact is she was easy... and if it wasnt me it would of been someone else. I just need to realise that.

Yea you're right, when we broke up she got in contact with people from her past and started going to nightclubs and parties a lot.... i feel a bit foolish as i knew when i met her i should stay away, but i fell in love and this is the result. As i mentioned i have a girlfriend now who loves me very much and is a good natured girl. It's the thoughts of my ex and my libido and confusion over the love i felt and good times i shared with her, we experienced good times on holidays and such... all for it to be thrown away and me to be disrespected. Anyways, ill get my mind straight soon enough