Ben Archer

I'm sort of in an uncertain place right now, and I've gone into detail about that in previous posts. One of my biggest problems lately is just remaining disciplined and motivated to keep working hard despite how much I may dislike it or how displeased I am with my life in general right now. When I'm overcome with feelings of pessimism or inferiority, I find the proper first step is usually just to accept the feelings instead of trying to fight them. Pushing on despite them. I think it's important to then reconnect with my values, and then set new and realistic goals. So I wondered if anyone had a good source of art, or maybe a blog or book that sort of gave you the "sense of life" that allowed you to reconnect with reason, purpose, self–esteem. Ayn Rand's writing is of course good, but lately I don't feel comparable to her characters and have a hard time relating to their experiences personally. So maybe some art, or youtube videos, poetry, quotes passages...(does anyone else do this?)

Thank you for your kind words. The past 5 months have been better, and though I've been able to get ahead of the rent a little, I'm also spending a bit more. I started dating a dentist in April, and though it's humbling to make much less than her, she also has given me motivation and brought lots of happy moments.I decided to post this update because I've been feeling down again, and what I've noticed is that it's always when I run low on meds. The problem with switching over to generic adderall is that with time release, I only had to take one in the morning and it would last all day. Generic is much less ($65–$80 a month vs $180–$210+ a month), but I have to split up the pills and remind myself to take them, 4 times a day, which is something I'm obviously not good at since they're being used to treat ADHD!My girlfriend remarked it's sort of like prescribing a bulimic meds than make them nauseous. Not quite the same but you see the problem. I thought about some kind of app, or handy carrying case, something to remind me to take them. Also since they're a controlled substance, I have to drive an hour to my doctor every month to get a new prescription. What ends up happening is I start rationing my meds, making them last twice or three times as long as they should, to avoid this hassle, and to avoid the next $65–$80 payment. I've stretched my current supply almost 3 months now, and I can feel how it affects me emotionally and at work. Even my gf notices.What's encouraging about this is I feel like as long as I figure out a better system to handle medicating myself, I can control those feelings of depression and have a solid foundation to improve on. I often think about where I'm going to be in 5 years...how I'm going to afford the things I want in my life, especially if I want to have kids one day. But I remember some of the posts here, like Jake writing that I should focus on the first step. So while this discussion may be very ...vain or self–centered of me, it has been an extremely useful source of input and perspective, and I often come back to read things said here to eliminate the dysfunctional thoughts I often subject myself to.

Sorry for not replying to you when you initially posted this, but I thought about your words a few times during the past weeks. They've been pretty hectic. I ended up not getting that third job (working as a cashier at Shop Rite), but I was able to put in extra hours doing the "freelance" work for my dad, pulling all–nighters a couple nights during the week. I've spent about $20 on food in two weeks, and about the same in gas, to save up for this rent (which is due today). I've managed to come very close to the $929 I owe fortunately, so I'll be able to pay it partially, eat the $90 late fee agagain, then pay the rest this Friday when I get my next paycheck. Basically I had to work my ass off and starve myself just to make this months rent. I've also been out of meds for a week which makes it hellish to work around others as I'm extremely irritable and distractable sometimes. BUT... At least I'm not evicted. Hopefully this gets easier because I wouldn't mind getting back in shape again, eating right, and actually enjoying my life a little bit.

While I appreciate your response, the question you asked is one I had to answer many times when filling out Dysfunctional Thought Records for cognitive behavioral therapy. The DTR is a great way to help me think rationally, but unfortunately I wouldn't have a clue what to say to someone in my situation. If I loved them and could afford to support them, then I would take them in. I don't have anyone that can take me in. Honestly not sure what I can do...what's even more puzzling is how resigned I feel to it already.

Well I managed to make the 2nd month's rent, but just barely...and I had to ask them to allow me to pay it late (adding $90 to the fee). I'm down to $40 now and there's really no way I'm going to make this next month's rent. I should be starting a 3rd job soon, working in a deli at Shop Rite. But I know I won't make the next months rent, and I'll lose the $900 deposit I put down with the lease. To break the lease will cost me $1800. I really don't know how I could try harder...I mean I suppose I could get another shitty job, but 4 jobs just to make rent in a crappy apartment? What's the point of that? I won't have time for a social life, or even to build for a better life by going back to school. Sure I can and do learn on my own (I have 4 textbooks checked out from the library right now), but what's that really going to do for me now? I'm not going to be able to afford my meds either. I'm getting overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness.

I'm inclined to agree with this

I do agree that I need to take some actions to address how it's recurring—most commonly suggested here was meds and therapy which I'll try again once/if I get health insurance. Keeping up on my adhd meds has helped, but it's definitely a chronic thing, because even when I'm at my best and can find no reason to feel unhappy, I'm not really happy, and I still feel the depressed feelings creeping back. It's infuriating, because I enjoy controlling my emotions, but it's just something I've never been able to truly shake. I don't know much about massage therapy/acupuncture, but I'm willing to try anything once if I don't think it can do any harm.

Hey I'm not sure if you meant to reply to him, or me (the original poster)...either way I do appreciate your input. I think getting an apartment on my own has helped somewhat...Ive only been here a month so I'm not sure if I'll really be able to afford it. Once I get some solid income and a semblance of stability, I think I'll be a lot better...for now I'll say I'm better than I was when I first posted. Even though I have no idea if I'll be evicted, being on my own and wholly accountable for my actions is much better for me than living off my dad. It'd feel more empowering if I had some sense of purpose, or a resume/college education that wasn't so lackluster. Those are my next goals anyway.

Thanks for the tip. I struggle with social phobia so I doubt my abilities as a salesman, but I'll still give it a try.

Hi there. Sold a bunch of my stuff to pay for meds and deposit on an apartment. It's like 830 sq ft 1 bedroom for $929 a month, electric not included...no washer/dryer but machines are in the same building. Nice neighborhood, though. I've never had an apt before but that seems pretty expensive...but I don't have a lot of options. (NJ is expensive...it's unbelievable what you can get for the same price in Arizona). Basically used all my money to get the apt, then I'll see if I can find enough work in the area to make rent. Having meds helps me stay positive but it's more like indifference. It'll most likely be manual labor as I don't have a degree, and the work experience I have with my dad is hard to apply anywhere else. Should be moving in there the 27th. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't make the 2nd month's rent, though

Guess I'll update this. My dad's kicking me out this weekend...looking for an apt and a job nearby but as I've never had to look for either before, it's not going well. I have like $50 to my name anyway so I'm not even sure of the point.

Loved this!

This is what I suspected which is why I wrote that. Thank you for your encouraging words. I hope to get back into CBT soon because I really liked how it was proactive, and addressed thoughts and behaviors together. On another note, I threw together a resume tonight...sort of as a joke I guess. Took me 25 minutes...obviously not done. I've never had to make one before =\ The only place I've applied to so far is Wawa, however.

Great article, although I have to admit I read it while procrastinating. It's sort of like forcing yourself to think like an economist, i.e., weighing the opportunity costs of each of your choices.

Geoff I really appreciate your perspective, it was helpful. It's interesting that you play WoW...for me it becomes addictive and I play it way too much, so I have to unsub and uninstall it to force myself not to play it seems, as I can't balance things like that. And I used to be in better shape, in fact I was originally going to school for physical therapy. I arranged a 12 week program where I set goals to put on 10 lbs of muscle, lose fat and build strength, while working out no more than 3.5 hours total per week. I actually put on 12 lbs of muscle and lowered my % bodyfat to 7% from 13ish. I took before and after photos and documented the whole process. I'm really not sure how I was so motivated, but I think it's because at the time, it was related to what I knew I wanted to do...I had a purpose. I think I dwell on and exaggerate the importance of that bodybuilding achievement tho. I have to admit shame and a bit of laziness are part of the reasons I stopped taking Adderall. As far as antidepressants go, I must have tried four different types—taking each for 9 to 10 weeks—with no noticeable results. However, I wasn't taking Adderall during that time either, and I wasn't going to any therapy (this was before I discovered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) I think I was hoping to rely solely on the antidepressants. Currently my ADD meds cost me $70—$80 a month as I don't have health insurance, and the hassle of having to drive an hour to my doctor each month to get a new prescription as it's a controlled substance. It being controlled is something I understand since I've seen so many stupid kids abuse it, thinking it's some miracle pill. I always wondered about this to be honest...I don't know enough about it so I ignored the part of my mind that thought there could be effects to suddenly stop taking it. I definitely noticed withdrawal symptoms at first...in fact I think I still do feel them...but many bouts of depression have made me slightly resilient when it comes to things like being constantly hungry, or constantly cold in my 55° house, or in withdrawal from lack of Adderall. In fact I think my endurance can be a bit masochistic and self–pitying, as a way to verify my own feelings of hopelessness, e.g., "life sucks: notice how stressed/hungry/anguished I always feel, so it must suck." Also, I found the discussion between you and Tenzing_Shaw very informative. I did take out my old supply of multivitamins and omega–3 pills from my days of fitness zeal. Usually my motivation to stay healthy lately is based on fear of degrading physically. I have huge self–image issues, probably related to social phobia, so the idea of becoming even more unattractive panics me. I sort of ignored considering what my malnutrition could be doing to my body, and planned on getting back and shape and healthy again once I got better. I figure taking them couldn't hurt. They added iodine to salt and A & D to milk to deal with national vitamin deficiency issues, so there's got to be some value in them. Although they do put a lot of stuff in there that your body can't really absorb that way, like iron, which even with the help of Vitamin C I think you only absorb like 10% of it since it's not in meat (attached to hemoglobin). Your perspective on this is very useful, since you said you've managed to overcome your challenges with ADD. I suspected that ADD, as well as my withdrawal from Adderall, could be contributing to a depressed state, but I think it's a number of things. It's sometimes hard to see what's a symptom and what's the real root of the problem: maybe it's from ADD, or lack of the meds for ADD, or/and because of social phobia, or some other biological tendency to depression, coupled with everything else. I've speculated pointlessly about this before however, and it just lets me create more excuses and deliberation. I think the nature of my job for my dad, working alone, living alone in the woods, and having no social activities or friendships, could be part of the problem. But I've dealt with isolation and social phobia my whole life, and it's really a whole separate issue for me. I've learned to tolerate isolation and lack of friendships. I usually keep a girlfriend, maybe so I don't feel totally alone, but often the types of girls that stay with me when I'm depressed aren't the types of girls I can ever look up to. I'm not really attracted to the girl I'm seeing now, and sort of find her boring. She likes me a lot more than I like her (she latched on pretty quickly) but she's someone at least to spend time with I guess.

Thank you all so much for your responses. I read them all, several times. You pointed out a few things I had to agree with. I have given up my power over my life, by mooching off my dad. I of course feel terrible about it but hadn't thought of it that way. And maybe getting a "easy" job is a good idea...I do tend to try to make grand plans and figure out everything I'm going to do with my life, then end up sitting around depressed, doing nothing, because I can't figure it out. I guess I just envied the mentality of those who know what they want to do. I used to know, but I gave up on music because it's not really viable in my opinion. But like Jake and a few others mentioned, I have to start somewhere, one step at a time. The idea of getting a simple easy job appeals to me actually, as it might get me around people (I have no friends to speak of). And some money for food would be good. All I've been doing is sitting around, playing piano or stupid world of warcraft on my computer (I just cancelled the subscription before posting this). As far as the depression thing being biological, this is something I've suspected, too. Because It's very difficult for me to feel happy, ever. I can't really remember the last time I was. And there's no memorable period in my life of enduring happiness. Social anxiety for me started around 4th grade...so I always wondered. I tried several antidepressants for months, to no avail. I was also diagnosed with ADHD, but I haven't taken my meds for months, because the idea of having ADHD always pissed me off, and I don't feel like I should need meds. I do have extreme difficulties staying focused. I'm the master of non—sequiturs in social situations. Xanax is very effective for dealing with social anxiety, but taking xanax kind of scares me and makes me ashamed usually. I really do appreciate the time you've all taken to write. Each post gave me a lot to think about. Cancelling that video game was one thing I accomplished today. Maybe tomorrow I'll apply for a job at wawa (local convenience store chain). I'll have to think about therapy. The only kind I'm interested is Cognitive Behavioral, as it's proactive and doesn't harp on the past. It's expensive tho. I did buy a self help book that was...helpful at first, but I haven't looked at it in a while.

I just woke up and lay in bed for about an hour pondering where I went wrong in my life, so many times, to lead me to this depressed pitiful state I'm in now. I'm 26 and I rent a small house, on the same property as my dad's (the guest house). I should say "rent" since I haven't paid him in months, as I haven't been working. I usually work for him, doing website work and warehouse stuff for the family business. Now I only put in hours when I have to (which is when he basically threatens to have the police throw me out). He's been trying to kick me out for a while. I've been inside this place for a solid week now, surviving off the bare minimum of food. Yesterday I had some oatmeal and some pasta with butter. Today I haven't eaten yet. I usually wait until I get unbearably hungry. This is mostly just because of laziness. My wall is has a cork board tacked with quotes from Ayn Rand that I used to look at when I was trying to get better. My head however is filled with suicidal thoughts and pathetic excuses. This isn't how I wanted to say all this. I wanted to try to write about how I get depressed for months, then snap out of it by making some drastic change or traveling somewhere. But then I get dragged down again because I can't really run from the inherit problems that lead me to depression. I think the main ones are social phobia, which I've tried (unsuccessfully) to get therapy for, for a year; and lack of purpose. Social phobia I've dealt with since childhood. It's not something I care too much about anymore...but lack of purpose is my latest theory and is probably the reason I give up on life so many times. Over the last 10 years or so I've gone through about 5 or 6 periods of intense depression, usually lasting 6 to 9 months. When I'm not depressed I'm usually in some kind of job that occupies me, or college. I have a purpose...but what I went to college for (physical therapy) isn't what I'm interested in doing anymore. The current job available to me, I hate. Working for my dad has been my main job since I was 15, and I'm tired of it. We get along terribly. When I have a purpose, I'm too busy to be sad I suppose. I did well in college, and I wanted to get a job that would challenge me and that would allow me to use my mind to its fullest. I wanted to create music but I feel like peter keating trying to paint. Don't get me wrong, I think I could do it and that I"m good (unlike keating) ...I just don't think it's a viable field. Then I thought that I'd enjoy teaching kids music—I've always enjoyed working with kids—but that it'd be a low paying job I'd end up hating because of how screwed public education is. This is the most haphazard BS I've ever written. I'm usually a better writer but it's hard enough to even write about this. It's hard to think it has a point. It's hard to admit how low I've come, especially to a group of objectivists. I always envied the mindset of Hank Reardon when he was walking home from work, wondering how people could be unhappy, and how he never understood it. Or roark, who seemed to be able to be happy working in a quarry, since that's probably the only type of job I can get right now. But whenever I think about being reduced to some shitty mindless job the thought of suicide immediately pops in my mind, since I never saw myself being reduced to that, and couldn't live that life. Course I'm sure there's people working in quarries or McDonalds who are a lot happier than me. I'm tempted to just Ctrl + A and delete but hell with it. Curious to see if any of you have experienced this.

It still would have been a guess. He could have ended up being completely wrong about her. My initial suspicion was the same has his, which is the only reason I posted on this forum in the first place. There's a lot more to what she communicated besides the few tidbits I relayed here. I have no regrets about the situation; I'm only discussing this further because the term "experience judging people" is pretty subjective, and unrealistic. Coming to that kind of judgement without all of the facts was not my intention, since I'm not one to judge by my past experiences and feelings—that will simply lead me to be pessimistic and maybe even cowardly in complicated situations like this.

Kevin has very little experience with her and this situation compared to me. Hindsight is 20/20.

You very well could have been right about her...there's no hard and fast Objectivist manual to decoding the mysteries of a mind like hers.

Thank you. What actually happened is I took a step back to see what she would ultimately do, and she did end up going back to him. She apologized to me profusely, but I wasn't emotionally invested so it was easy to laugh about it.

Quoted you both and linked her this thread, so we'll see what happens. In the meantime, here's one of her modeling shots I thought I'd share:

Thank both of you very much for your perspective...I wasn't sure how to best address her questions and points. Directing her to this forum and your responses is a great idea. She is definitely intelligent (she also has a career as a model )

A Facebook friend had been posting particularly depressing statuses the other day, so I tried to offer some advice, and recommended Atlas Shrugged since she seemed intelligent and interested in philosophy. The original status was "no one is worth the pain, because in the end all we are is blood, skin, noise, and shit" I responded and quoted from Atlas Shrugged. The "argument" proceeded from there: Her: I knew before I'd finished your second paragraph here that you're under the influence Ben. The influence of Ayn that is. It sounds a lot like how I used to sound back when I consumed everything she'd written, and indeed it did start a "fire" inside and quite quickly made me able to accomplish so much in short period of my life that it was ludicrous- but it wasn't to be. I was swayed by other things and quickly led off track. The point here is that I swayed- not because I was too weak- but because this conviction was not my own, was not based off of my life experiences, and thus became a vanity, an elaborate yet dishonest construct of personality. I searched for answers in other places because, deep down, I knew the Randist perspective is not sufficient for me. Ps, Ben, if volitional consciousness if to defined by the ability to think and to choose, then we can't say that human beings are the only animals possessing it; rather I would say that human beings are the only verbally intelligent species, which allows for more complexity of thought, abstraction, etc- I still recommend the Objectivity Epistemology to many. Me:It's not something you can really turn away from. It's not meant to be a solution but an acknowledgement. I felt the same way before reading Rand...her books really helped solidify it for me though, seeing it through her characters. And seeing how she laid out her value system helped remove any doubt from my mind about the way I am I guess. Her: Ayn Rand is a marvelously persuasive writer, and I do believe some of those fundamental ideas underlying her philosophy, e.g., the intrinsic goodness of human beings, the special nature of human consciousness and the ability to choose and reason, the importance of life and progress over mysticism and hopes for afterlife, and so on. However, I don't believe in "selfishness" as she presents it, simply because it has been used as a means to philosophically justify the capitalist system, which by its nature cannot help but to end in the fusion of business and government as time goes on, not to mention the formation of monopolies, decisions made for profit over the welfare of human beings, or the environment, the reduction of social mobility, wars for profit, and etc. Me: I only recommend the books to people who I think can grasp its concepts. I'm not sure how you conclude that capitalism leads to the "fusion of business and government." But you probably need to understand a bit more about a free market society if you believe that there's a difference between a decision made for profit, and a decision made for the "welfare of a human being." Not to mention that in a free market, a monopoly independent of the laws of supply and demand, and free of competition, is impossible without government intervention. No monopoly has ever existed in an unregulated market. Hope you find what you're looking for. Sorry I misjudged you. Her: Examples: Watered down gasoline Genetically engineered crops Processed foods Gasoline- These are just some examples of how big businesses modify their products in ways that endanger human beings and the environment- in favor of the immediate profit derived from them. The idealism behind this trust of the market uses the argument that human beings are inherently good and that pure selfishness in its true sense can lead to no harm. (This is never really stated, but it implied by Rand's ideas that: pure individualist thought leads to the creation of values and the ability to distinguish between the basic life-affirming "good" and life-denying "wrong;" she tells us that is alright to let natural human selfishness decide the course of society. ) You say that no monopoly has ever existed in an unregulated market- I say that an unregulated market has never existed. I would indeed know more about free market societies if there were authentic models to study. While it might sound very beautiful, I have found that there is no such thing in this world and never has been. Really quite simply, wealth is power, and always will be as long as it equates directly to material and contributes to social status. So no wonder there is such lobbying within our own government, such corruption- in America, the truest example of capitalism there ever was. Note: I realize that I mentioned gasoline twice just now- watered down gasoline was one point. I should have elaborated the second time- I meant the continued dependence upon gasoline despite its obvious negative effects on the environment (global warming, oil spill).. I'm sure you've heard about the BP crisis in the gulf right? And how they are in the process of separating the spilled oil from gulf water- because they want to salvage as much oil as they can in order to sell it? They were doing that while oil was pouring into the gulf. Wondering if anyone knew a quick way to try to enlighten her on the fundamentals of Objectivism. As far as her BP claims go, I'm not sure if there's any validity to them, but even if there were it would say nothing about Objectivism itself, just BP. Just thought I'd share this while I mull this one over. Thanks for reading!

I'd be up for making something like that...I need a good movie maker now (my mac died and windows movie maker is horrible).