A short creative writing assignment

[miseleigh]

I've been given a somewhat difficult writing assignment by my creative writing professor, and I was hoping to get some help with it. If I wrote it well enough, you should be able to guess something about the assignment by what I've written, so to see how well I did, I'm not going to tell you want the actual assignment is; so please, if you have time, pretend you're in a writing class and you're supposed to analyze this piece, and let me know what you think. At some point soon I'll post the actual assignment too, since I would like more focused critique as well. Thanks!

*****

The buildings stand out the most, stark and monstrous against the darkening sky, framed by crimson-stained clouds. People hurry among the towers, in a rush to nowhere, frightening the scavenging pigeons from their pecking, their squawking, their useless preening and cleaning, as angry drivers dart between the dark and looming buildings. Even though they know they’re only going to get caught at the next red light, just a block away, still they struggle through the traffic, hoping to steal a few more feet before they have to stop. There’s a beat to the city, a rhythm that will struggle to continue in the hours after sunset, but it never quite ends; at least, it won’t until the city dies. But all things die, eventually. Even now, the alleys fill with decay – but the city thinks it lives.

It’s darker now, though there is still a touch of maroon in the sky, and the buildings can barely be seen. The people can’t be seen at all; they may as well be ghosts, at this hour, silent and cold. Even the few cars still about are muted, ashamed with the knowledge that they don’t belong to this moonlit world; their drivers no longer rush, as the flow that once pushed them has slowed to a trickle, and they finally recognize that they must soon stop anyway. They no longer fight the red lights that they cannot change. The sickly yellow streetlights accentuate the laboring beat; the city’s rhythm is slow, now, so slow.

The full moon rises, adding a cold, white filter to the city, bringing it out of the dark but not back to life. At this early hour, all the people are asleep but for a few nightwalkers; the pigeons roost while the rats come out of the sewers and onto the streets, feeding on whatever they find. A few stray cats yowl in from rooftops, eyes glowing green with intent as they prey on the rats and hunt for mates. A solitary man walks along, whistling nervously in the shadows; what is he afraid of? Only the predators truly seem alive, in the deathly pallor of night.

[Curious Capitalist]

I am brand new to this site, but joined because of a writing class, so I find it amazing that the very first post I see has to do with creative writing!

The first thing that stuck out about your story is that it's laden with description. That is always a good thing in writing, but I had a professor tell me once to write, then take out all the adverbs and adjectives to find the story. Detailed description and plentiful adjectives may be the point of your assignment, so I'm not going to say to take them out at all. But, if not, then you can most likely edit out some of the adjectives, because I've always heard that economy of writing style is preferable.

Another technique is to make some of your sentences shorter to provide more impact when contrasted with the longer ones. Example:

"The buildings stand out the most, stark and monstrous against the darkening sky, framed by crimson-stained clouds."

"The buildings stand out the most. Stark and monstrous against the darkening sky they rise, framed by crimson-stained clouds."

It focuses on the buildings more, and makes it easier on the reader. I really enjoyed the details you include, and I hope my criticisms are not too far off. I look forward to reading the rest of the assignment.

[miseleigh]

The assignment was to describe a landscape the way a certain type of person would see it, so while I would take out many of the adjectives if it was a story, that doesn't quite work this time.

As our professor explained it: "Describe a landscape the way someone who just killed someone would see it, without referring to the victim, murder, or murderer in the description. Therefore, it will have to be in third person to avoid mentioning the murderer. Choose any landscape you like."

So, how'd I do?

[Curious Capitalist]

The assignment was to describe a landscape the way a certain type of person would see it, so while I would take out many of the adjectives if it was a story, that doesn't quite work this time.

As our professor explained it: "Describe a landscape the way someone who just killed someone would see it, without referring to the victim, murder, or murderer in the description. Therefore, it will have to be in third person to avoid mentioning the murderer. Choose any landscape you like."

So, how'd I do?

Okay, in that case, you did quite well.

The landscape you describe is certainly rife with descriptions of doom, death, and decay. The only thing I can even suggest is maybe infuse a little more feeling of paranoia, because I can imagine a murderer would be paranoid of being found out. But, what you have definitely sets the tone. Good job!

[Robert J. Kolker]

The assignment was to describe a landscape the way a certain type of person would see it, so while I would take out many of the adjectives if it was a story, that doesn't quite work this time.

As our professor explained it: "Describe a landscape the way someone who just killed someone would see it, without referring to the victim, murder, or murderer in the description. Therefore, it will have to be in third person to avoid mentioning the murderer. Choose any landscape you like."

So, how'd I do?

I got no sense of villainy from your piece. You describe the city-scape as a dark place, which it is at night and it not well lighted up.

Bob Kolker

[intellectualammo]

I got no sense of villainy from your piece.

I think that sense was trying to be intr'd in the last few sentences of the piece. A kind of segue.

A solitary man walks along, whistling nervously in the shadows; what is he afraid of? Only the predators truly seem alive, in the deathly pallor of night.

Why do you have him whistling?

To show paranoia or fear third person, would have to be shown by the man's actions, right? Also what I don't think has been established at all was the way he sees the city, the object of the piece. I would show that by his reactions to lights, to sirens, and so forth...since it's third person.

I'd personally write from the perspective of reality, as such. Personify it in some way. Reality seeing him, the other "victim" of his so to speak, one he's not aware of...but is becoming aware of it in a way by in things like passing cars, flashing lights, sirens... Reality's vengeance...- ehhh, something like that - hopefully you get the idea. I have to get to work so I can't touch that up...

Edited October 19, 2007 by intellectualammo

[fletch]

I got no sense of villainy from your piece. You describe the city-scape as a dark place, which it is at night and it not well lighted up.

Bob Kolker

I tend to agree with Bob, here. You have a nice descriptive piece, but I might decribe the scene in much the same way and I have not murdered anybody...as far as you know. A murderer might have a unique perspective on things. He might have contempt for people he sees. He might see ugliness in things that would normally be viewed as good or beautiful. And he might see beauty in ugliness. Try to take the killers perspective. A dark city may not be a negative for him. After all, he generally needs darkness to ply his trade.

Remember, he wouldn't fear the dark alley. He is what makes us fear the dark alley.

[intellectualammo]

Remember, he wouldn't fear the dark alley. He is what makes us fear the dark alley.

Exactly.

I'd personally write from the perspective of reality, as such. Personify it in some way. Reality seeing him, the other "victim" of his so to speak, one he's not aware of...but is becoming aware of it in a way by in things like passing cars, flashing lights, sirens... Reality's vengeance...- ehhh, something like that - hopefully you get the idea. I have to get to work so I can't touch that up...

OK, that barely makes sense to me, so I changed it, now that I have time. It's like he is somehow trying to hide, escape, evade, get rid of, get away with the fact...but that's essentially it. He goes away with the fact. It is what is making him act this way... knowing it, knowing he may get caught, fearing things like light, and so forth. This is what I meant by personifying reality... But again, that's how I would approach it, and my writing always has had it's own distinct unique writing perspective. I could make it work too.

[miseleigh]

The person in the last section is supposed to be the victim, not the murderer, although technically neither is supposed to be in the piece at all. The last sentence tries to set the victim apart from the predator. The murderer's noticing another victim, the way a cat notices anything that moves. (It's a crazy assignment - in the third person, but I can't include the murderer or victim... it's hard. It'd be so much easier from the first person.)

I guess I have to get more into the mind of my murderer, so I can add more of the murderer's emotions... I'll work on that. I also tried to add the method of murder into the description as well, and I'd like to make that clearer too, although that's going to be difficult. (It's poison, btw, shown by the slowing heart beat and the alleys filled with decay. Any suggestions to help with this in particular?)

*Sigh.* This really is the hardest writing assignment I've had yet, even though it's short.

Thank you all for your comments.

[fletch]

Describing the landscape from the perspective of a murderer is really the last step in a rather long process. First you must put yourself in the mind of a murderer, then decide what type of murderer you are. Are you a predator who kills regularly? Is this your first time? Who is your victim, and why?

You mentioned that the "murderer's noticing another victim, the way a cat notices anything that moves." That suggests that you are thinking in terms of a predator who stalks his victims at random. If that is the case, that would largely eliminate your chosen method of murder--poison. You have to be pretty close to a person to poison him, like a spouce of the victim or a nurse or something. Strangulation might be what you are looking for if you want to stick with the predator scenario. Plus, you really dont need a motive here except for the sheer joy he feels at the thought of his crime. If you dont want to get that dark, you might go with a spouce who has just poisoned an abusive husband or something. Either way, the perspective of a given landscape will be different, depending on the type of murderer you are, and, more importantly, how you feel about the crime afterwards. In fact, the landscape, itself, might be different.

A woman who has just rid herself of an abusive husband might feel quite elated. She may, for the first time in her life, feel a sense of liberation and empowerment. Or she might feel empty, alone and remorseful. You can go either way, but the way you choose will effect your view of the landscape. Lets say the landscape is the womans back yard where she would spend a great deal of time with her late husband. She might truly enjoy it for the very first time and notice the beauty of the gardens, and the sunlight through the leaves as it splashes across the deep green lawn. Or it might be a dreary, empty and lonely place filled with the haunting memories of a lifelong partner whose life she had foolishly ended.

A city scape would work well with a predator, but then again, so would a cemetery. Nothing brings a smile to the face of a killer like a fresh mound of earth, or the headstone of a man whose final date of departure was chosen by you.

Got to go now...its getting dark.

[miseleigh]

Describing the landscape from the perspective of a murderer is really the last step in a rather long process. First you must put yourself in the mind of a murderer, then decide what type of murderer you are. Are you a predator who kills regularly? Is this your first time? Who is your victim, and why?

Yeah, I had to answer those in my head before I could write the assignment. But since it's not supposed to be in the piece, you guys didn't get to know what I know about him...

Which is that he's a delusional narcissist who views others as prey (hence he has no paranoia about being caught... because he doesn't think he will be.) He prefers poison because he views people as indiscriminating and leading trivial lives, so a slow death that gives them warning that their shallow life is ending seems fitting to him. This was his first victim, but he had imagined it so many times with other people that it means little to him that this time he's actually done it. The question I didn't go into was who the victim was, but I don't think it would have made much difference. I wanted to be in the murderer's head while he's looking at the city, not while he's killing someone.

So I guess his first victim was probably someone close to him, but he also imagines poisoning random people. He's thought about different methods, such as poisoning candy bars and planting them, or dumping something on food at a buffet, or poisoning and planting other foodstuffs at drugstores and grocery stores. He'll probably start actually doing them rather than just imagining it, now that he's killed once.

I don't think there's really any joy, though. I can't think of a good word right now, but his emotions are probably similar to someone who just swatted a fly or mosquito. It's like, yeah, you're glad you killed it, but it's not joy, exactly; it's like "serves you right." Intense satisfaction, maybe? Except that he goes out of his way to kill mosquitos and most people wouldn't. That's another reason why he likes poison - he does it because he wants them dead, not because he wants to kill them. He feels more alive when he knows someone worthless is dead/dying - when he knows he's a predator and that he has a purpose. (Did any of that make any sense at all? I don't know.) Like the Boondock Saints, maybe? (Except with an entirely different reason for murder, of course) Do they feel joy when they kill?

I didn't go into his head any more than that, though. His head's a scary place. I don't like it much.