Hello, my name is Aaron(Loneliness, self lost)

[AaronGR]

((This is a letter that I wrote to a friend, it has been unedited. ))

Well I guess you have been really busy lately, I am sorry that I have been fading out of reality. I still have not been looking for a job; I have just been on this path, down a very dark and vast tunnel slipping on the fringes of reality, only to be suspended in mid air by the corners of my mind.

. I wanted to tell you something, the reason that I don't really drink and smoke weed because it makes me think that I am letting my guard down. The world is so “FUCKING SCARY” that I have never had the ability to let my guard down its like you would have to look past my smile and read what is written on clenched teeth, to even start to have a grasp of who “I” am. I hide behind my self, from my self; I only seem to be looking at my self while I am sitting on the corners of my mind, hanging on while reality fades in and out. I can chase rabbits, well we like to call them rabbits but in reality these rabbits are thoughts. Some of these “Thoughts” are white others are very black.

I don’t know if you understand what I mean by guard, if I try to define it would to me be I guess a Safe zone. Those times that I spent with you it was so short and I never let my guard down, I do still love you. I am in such a weird phase of my life right now. I keep taking acid. Like I know that people do weed and other stuff, but I truly deeply madly insanely enjoy the tripping that acid does to your mind.

It’s like you can sit on the corners of your mind, and think of every thought in your head and then think back to what memory made you think of that thought. The corners of reality, I will analyze ideas and thoughts try to dissemble them down to a molecular level. It really is like chasing a rabbit, down a hole.

Let me give you an example of a time that I followed that rabbit down the deepest darkest most loneness hole and when I got to the bottom of the abyss after taking every thought and memory into my mind and breaking them all down to a molecular level. I came to the conclusion that there is no GOD, but I think if I would have laid some bread crumbs down, I could have seen my reflection and understood that that just means “I” as an Individual does not Believe in God or and Afterlife.

I don’t know what "I" mean to "You" any more. If my reality that I tried to merge with fantasy has caused you any harm, then I am sincerely apologetic. I think that the "ME" that you know is becoming obscured through all the steps that I have taken to get right where I am at this very moment!! The sane me may be the "ME" that is in your head. Because the one that I see when I look in the mirror, Is one sorry sad lonely lost individual, trying his hardest to destroy him self, but some how always surviving.

Though I am so very upset I have been spinning in circles and going nowhere while chasing my tail. These thoughts are so fun, but the saddest thing about all these thoughts is the reality that I am losing. Hello my name is Aaron. At times that is all that I know I don’t even remember my memories or past. All I can remember while fading out of reality and clutching on to the corners of my mind. Is that I am a man and I have a name and it’s Aaron.

See at one time I was at the bottom of the abyss screaming out “Hello my name is, Aaron!” The scary thing was that even though I remembered the name Aaron. I did not know who Aaron was. I could not remember anything about my self, like the word Aaron sounded familiar but when I would try to close my eyes and look with in. I could not see anything it was like being in a dark place absent of all light and sound with no sense of depth or time. I really thought I was lost, like some how along the path that I was following I had lost my mind. Like it was an object and it just feel out of my pocket, but how could any one lose their conscious.

So when this happened because I had no mind to hang on to while I was falling out of reality and rushing so fast into fantasy. I lost everything that I had to combat the abyss the darkness, the “Unknown” if you will. I really thought I had lost my consciousness; I must have tripped on the cracks of reality and dropped it out of my pocket. How am I even here, some how I must have been pushing as hard can I can onto the corners of my mind trying to see some light, I could not remember anything. The further it went, even at one point I had forgotten that I was a man, and I have a name and it was Aaron.

((If this was the wrong place sorry, and If you just don't care then I understand.))

BTW Hello, my name is Aaron.

[JASKN]

Hello, Aaron, welcome to the forum.

Is there a particular reason you have posted your letter? Have you read something by Ayn Rand that gets you thinking her philosophy can help you somehow?

Your letter sounds sad, but I am unsure if you know why. I myself cannot tell if it is the acid speaking mostly or if it is some conflict in ideas speaking. If you had to say, what's your biggest concern about yourself right now?

[Zip]

Hi Aaron. I agree with JASKN.

Please drop the hyperbole and just say in plain language what it is that you want to say.

[AaronGR]

((I will try my best to get what thought I am trying to convey and broadcast it out, its a little hard at the moment.))

I have been doing acid for a month I think, at this very moment I am just coming down. In this phase of the trip everything is blurred and its really hard to measure reality, and everything is cornered in my head. So if I tried to tell you what I did a couple minutes ago. Don’t be offended if it happened a few years ago, or even Decades ago.

For me acid it’s like the stars, like if I took every thought, memory, idea that I have ever had and threw them in the sky. Way out just like the stars, and then I could stop time for a millennium to travel to each star in my mind and explore every thought from every corner of my mind.

When I say corner of the mind it means like every idea that we ever get and people that we meet can change who we are in a seconds. So think of every second that you are alive regardless if you are Awake or Dreaming. Every Second part of you is changing and every time you change there is a new corner created in you consciousness.

Look I am asking you to really take this and think deep on it. If I show you an object today, something that I showed you 20, 15, 10, 5, even a year ago, is it honestly going to look the same to day is it did then? Are the same eyes going to be looking at it? For me its NO, like think of an X relationship, you maybe spent a lifetime together!! But the key word here is X. So why is the perception of the person you are seeing today not reflecting the same person you saw all the sweet many years ago.

See but take an object and then take your self. And look at that object from everyone second of your life. And try to see and perceive what it would look like from every corner of your mind, You really lose reality, is it happiness? I don’t know the answer to this question cause I don’t really think that I am happy. But for moment I am laughing so hard right now. Only a sane person could honestly tell me if I am happy right now. Cause at this very moment of this paragraph I am laughing hysterically.

((BTW Zip, you seem to be a really intelligent person, this is my assumption based on your first post in this thread.))

Edited August 23, 2008 by AaronGR

[fletch]

I don’t know what "I" mean to "You" any more.

Because the one that I see when I look in the mirror, Is one sorry sad lonely lost individual, trying his hardest to destroy him self, but some how always surviving.

What would a person who describes himself in such a way 'mean' to anyone? If you have no self-worth, you cant expect others to place much value in you. If I received such a letter, I would simply reply: Get off the drugs and get your shit together.

[Laure]

Aaron, I've never done drugs, but it seems to me that they give the user an illusion of having an epiphany, of having a deep understanding of reality and of his thoughts that he doesn't have when sober -- this "breaking them all down to a molecular level" you write about.

I'd like you to read this when sober, and to consider that this understanding is an ILLUSION. Think about people who have really accomplished something big in life. Can you write a best-selling novel, or invent an iPod, or land on the moon, or cure a disease, while on an acid trip? Has anyone ever done anything like that on drugs? NO.

I echo fletch: "Get off the drugs and get your shit together."

[AaronGR]

What would a person who describes himself in such a way 'mean' to anyone? If you have no self-worth, you cant expect others to place much value in you. If I received such a letter, I would simply reply: Get off the drugs and get your shit together.

Its very hard for me to respond to this “Statement”, cause the thoughts and corners in my mind are flooding over me. The only response that I found while sitting on the surface of reality then merging back into anonymity was “You” and “I” must be living in different realities right now. This plastic existence leaves much to be desired, with all this self loathing, what would it really be like if we dumped every user into one room.

This concept every “USER” would get there plot of floor space, I guess you could take the floor and give everyone a personal sphere but this sphere would only be a foot. How many weeks do you think every “USER” would last before their minds broke, if you had to look at an object or“USER” from every person’s corners? I almost broke from trying to look at my self from my own corners, I wonder what would happen to me, if some how I could see my self through your corners?

[fletch]

The only response that I found while sitting on the surface of reality then merging back into anonymity was “You” and “I” must be living in different realities right now.

Actually, one of us is living in reality, the other is evading it.

[AaronGR]

I'd like you to read this when sober, and to consider that this understanding is an ILLUSION.

That statement must be the reason why I some how called out. I guess you could say, like you have to ask your self, why would some one be posting a letting on a internet bulletin. I am trying to measure reality. I printed that letter out and I must have read it over a 1000 times but I wrote at 06:30 Pacific GMT -7 8/23/2008. I must have been fading out so hard that I had to some how grabbed a hold of reality. I was trying to leave some memories and thoughts in case I had to start over again. It’s much easier to dissemble then rebuild. But think if you had to rebuild an object, let alone a human with no schematic.

[Zip]

Aaron, as long as you are on drugs YOU for all intents and purposes do not exist in any sense that matters. The chemical illusions that you are subjecting your mind to are nothing more than worthless colours and lights. Brings to mind the phrase "Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

There is no such thing as different realities. You are suffering from a chemically induced stupor, nothing more, nothing less. Your perception of reality may be changed but reality has not. You drug induced lunacy will not stop you from dieing if you jump out in front of a speeding train, and perhaps more to the point here is that you will not be able to truly be happy as long as you live your life by false drug riddled perceptions and chemical illusions.

This shit (Acid) will KILL YOU DEAD! Until you are rid of it there is as much of a use telling you how you can be happy as there is telling a hamster how to construct the Golden Gate bridge.

Clean up your act, get your shit together and then come back. The people here will point you in the right direction if they can, but it's worthless to try till you are sober.

Good Luck.

[athena glaukopis]

The people here will point you in the right direction if they can

The Psychedelics forum is --> thataway

In closing:

Edited August 23, 2008 by athena glaukopis

[Halcyon]

Hello Aaron.

Have you read any Objectivist literature? Knowledge is the only way out of your mental haze even if it is painful to give up the 'comfort' of a drug-induced dream world. Basically, you can choose two different roads: fantasy or reality; the latter is very tough in short term but supremely rewarding in the long term whilst the former is easy in the short term but tough in the long term because you'll tragically grow old and die without ever really living.

Even though the advice here seems harsh you really need to man-up (i.e. Roark-up) and get a grip on reality!

[AaronGR]

Aaron, as long as you are on drugs YOU for all intents and purposes do not exist in any sense that matters.

Clean up your act, get your shit together and then come back. The people here will point you in the right direction if they can, but it's worthless to try till you are sober.

Good Luck.

Thanks Zip, I said before based off your, first post I came to the assumption that your an intelligent person. I agree this is me totally evading reality, I did not even build the "IPOD" while I was on acid, I did last night other than stare into my self, was decide that a piece of furniture looked better in the spare bedroom than the front room of my apartment. I have never been a drug user other than this experimentation with LSD, but my assessment based off reality is its time for me to get off this ride and go home.

There are goals, in this kind of life style, who really wants to just survive? I am tired of surviving; seriously I may not be able to pull this off my self. But I know that since this has been a short experimentation of self devastation. I have plenty of people who still care about me, it will be a refreshing feeling to not have to dread my cell phone, because people in our reality who want to communicate with the “me” I really don’t know why I have been running from reality, but what matters is I am done.

I was trying to turn fantasy into reality, when I must have been afraid to put out the effort to turn reality into my fantasy.