Effective Communication Techniques

[Groovenstein]

My roommate and I converse frequently about ways to improve communication and conversation skills. We have learned that one's choice of words is extremely important, and something about which one must always be aware. This may seem like stating the obvious, and as a general principle it may be. However, I find that the specifics are not so obvious, and that their potential impact on communication is large. Therefore, I wish to use this thread to express and discuss some of my ideas, my roommate's ideas, your ideas, and others' ideas about how to communicate more effectively. I'll start with two for now.

1. "Active listening." In my book for Client Counseling, "Lawyers as Counselors" by Binder et al, the authors discuss a technique called "active listening." This technique is highly effective for accurately learning someone's response to a situation and establishing rapport. By using this technique, you will express an "empathetic understanding" far more effectively than using passive listening techniques.

The thrust of the technique is the reflection of feelings back to the speaker. For example, say your romantic partner comes home after work and says, "Honey, I can't believe what happened on the way home. This jerk cut me off and bumped my car, then tried to say it was my fault." A passive listening response might be, "Uh-huh." Is that going to make your partner feel like you really understand? Active listening would suggest a response like, "You must have been irate." By reflecting your partner's feelings back to him/her, you've shown that you understand. Ironically, "I understand" is a terrible way to show understanding, because it's not really showing understanding at all. It's telling understanding.

This barely scratches the surface of active listening, but it should provide for a good starter.

2. "Give credit where it's due." This is something my roommate and I discussed. Oftentimes in a conversation, one will want to give an expression of affirmation. For example, say you and a co-worker are chatting about cooking a certain dish. She brings up a cool technique you hadn't even considered. You might raise your eyes and say "Ah!", or state something explicitly like "That's interesting." There's another way to affirm.

When someone does a good thing, praise is cool. Praise from others is not a rational person's motivation, of course, but it's nice to hear something well done be acknowledged. So, if you think someone has raised a good point, say so. Don't say, "That's a good point." "That's" doesn't explicitly acknowledge the act--it merely points out that a good point exists. "You raise a good point" recognizes the good job done by the point-raiser.

I wouldn't use this all the time. Doing so might sound patronizing, and would also create a boring and inefficient conversation. Imagine if every point made in a discussion was preceded with "You raise a good point." That would sound as silly as "The distinguished Senator from Illinois" or "My right honorable friend." But this is something nice to splash in among the "Ah!"s and "Interesting"s.

[dondigitalia]

1. "Active listening." I've used this technique for quite a while with my clients, as a means of personalizing our relationship, and the results are great. Even now that I'm 3,000 miles away from them and most contact is over e-mail, it still works.

An example of a recent exchange:

Client: People are so bitchy lately. Here's another unhappy customer that wants to be removed from [my mailing list]:

[Address info]

My response: Done. Didn't you say the same thing about bitchy people last year? It happens a lot around the holidays--people get so stressed out about making sure the holidays are fun that they make any fun impossible. But that's their problem. Don't let it ruin your fun!

I've been working with her for 3 years, and because of the friendly repoire I've established with her, she continued outsourcing her printing and mailings to me even after Long & Foster started offering the same services to their realtors free of charge. I asked her why once. Her answer: because I like you and you know what I want without being told. That's the kind of relationship no amount of low prices and high-quality product can get.

Of course, there are times when I engage in passive listening, too, and it does have the opposite effect. That's useful sometimes, too.

2. "Give credit where it's due." This is one of the most important things to do in regard to anybody you deal with, for innumerable reasons. In regard to communication, it let's people know you notice their effort. In regard to seeing it happen again, it gives incentive. In regard to ethics, it's the most important side of Justice. And in regard to oneself, giving someone else credit when they deserve it is a way of actively reinforcing the benevolent universe premise (or a way correcting one's malevolent sense-of-life.)

[KevinD]

I'm extremely suspicious of those who use "techniques" in dealing with other adult human beings. And I resent it IMMENSELY when I suspect that someone is using such a technique on me.

I'd like to entirely retract this post, and opt out of further commentary. I was unusually crabby yesterday morning — I'm sorry.

(Edited to add Kevin's subsequent comment. -sNerd)

Edited December 9, 2005 by softwareNerd

[Felix]

I'm extremely suspicious of people who use "techniques" in dealing with other adult human beings. And I resent it IMMENSELY when I suspect that someone is using such a technique on me.

I understand that. But using techniques is different from being dishonest. You can pretend with these techniques, yes. But you don't have to.

My point is: You have to communicate somehow. And if you currently don't get your point accross, then this doesn't have to find its cause in bad intentions but can also be based on a wrong way of expressing yourself. I think these techniques help, but I agree that they don't replace basic honesty and caring. But they can help communicating it.

[Edit: Great, now I answered a deleted post. ]

Edited December 7, 2005 by Felix

[JMeganSnow]

I think the most useful communication technique I learned I picked up from my family; don't be afraid to interrupt people when necessary. (With my family you'll never get a word in unless you can spot a tiny gap in the conversation and lever it wide open.) It's served me well in business because it seems like there's always someone that won't stop talking.

For yourself, make sure you leave significant pauses in your speech in case someone else needs to step in and make a point. If the talkative person always jumps in, make sure you explicitly hand off the conversation to someone else (I think James knows more about this than I do . . .) .

I hate it when people demonstrate poor listening skills, though. On occasion I've felt the desire to smack people and shout "I'M TALKING HERE!" I haven't actually done it yet.

*cough* I can be just a bit overbearing

[Groovenstein]

I'm extremely suspicious of those who use "techniques" in dealing with other adult human beings. And I resent it IMMENSELY when I suspect that someone is using such a technique on me.

[i will expand on this point in a subsequent post later.]

I'm interested to hear your expansion, because I see nothing wrong whatsoever in trying to express yourself effectively. There's a world of difference between being dishonest and being more accurate. The kind of techniques I'm talking about are those which can be phrased, "If you think X, then a good way to say it is Y."

[Groovenstein]

I would like to expand on my above post with examples from the first post.

2. "Give credit where it's due." . . . Oftentimes in a conversation, one will want to give an expression of affirmation.

So, if you think someone has raised a good point, say so.

(Emphasis modified or added.)

The bold words make it abundantly clear that this should only be used where one actually thinks a good point has been raised. What in the hell could be suspicious about that? Why would one resent a good thing being recognized when the recognizer is being honest about his assessment? What the biff???

[softwareNerd]

There's a popular parenting book titled: How to Talk So Children will Listen ...etc which emphasizes something similar to the "reflection of feelings back to the speaker".

To say "reflect of feelings back to the speaker" is a little unclear: whose feelings? Your feelings after hearing what you hear? Or, the speaker's feelings, being communicated in what they're saying. I think you mean the latter.

It is really a variant of two general rules of conversation. First, you can respond best if you know what the other person is saying. Therefore you have to confirm it. Part of the process of confirming your understanding is summarizing your own understanding of what they are saying. Often, you know what the person is saying, but you still need to clarify scope, extent, etc. -- in effect, you are sharpening the focus to the core of what they're saying. Otherwise, one may respond to something that the speaker did not intend to say, or only said parenthetically. Demonstrating your (summarized) understanding helps the other person clarify anything that you didn't "get".

Second, in most conversations, one is dealing on some kernel of "friendly core": some understanding that the two people in the conversation get value from the same. Therefore, demonstrating your (summarized) understanding shows the other person that there is value to continuing the conversation with you. Anything that appears to be a rush to judgment (i.e. judgement without adequate understanding of the facts) could stifle the conversation. So, make your judgment clear only when you understand what the speaker is saying and when you are ready to stand by it.

Now, none of this means that one must mechanically respond to everything with a summary. The other guy will probably think you're pulling his leg! You could listen a whole lot, give a lot of "Uh-huh." responses, ask some minor questions, even say "I understand"... but at the end of it all, don't always leave the person hanging. Sometimes a nod is all a person needs. At other times, more is required.

[Groovenstein]

To say "reflect of feelings back to the speaker" is a little unclear: whose feelings? Your feelings after hearing what you hear? Or, the speaker's feelings, being communicated in what they're saying. I think you mean the latter.

Yes, it is reflection of the speaker's feelings. Basically, it's a summarizing thing. (And again, this is all under the assumption that you are saying things you honestly think, which apparently may not be assumed.) Instead of saying "I understand," you show that you understand by reflecting the content of the person's remarks. Active listening can be very simple. It can be as simple as saying "Sounds [frustrating] [irritating] [exciting]." Reflecting content says "I'm listening to you and I understand what you're saying." If that's what you want to say, reflecting content does that.

[KevinD]

I'm extremely suspicious of those who use "techniques" in dealing with other adult human beings. And I resent it IMMENSELY when I suspect that someone is using such a technique on me.

[i will expand on this point in a subsequent post later.]

I'd like to entirely retract this post, and opt out of further commentary. I was unusually crabby yesterday morning — I'm sorry.

[Nxixcxk]

I have always "mirrored, reflected, and validated," with strangers.

Although people usually are pretty boring and sometimes my mirror turns opaque.

It's fun to experiment however, and say, for instance, you leave out 'mirroring' but retain reflection and validation--you should notice some interestig effects this has.

If I were to rate one of them as most important, I'd say mirroring is--since body language plays a key role in establishing rapport, much more so than simply reflecting a client's words...body language seems to prep the client for reflection anyway.

[Groovenstein]

I'd like to entirely retract this post, and opt out of further commentary. I was unusually crabby yesterday morning — I'm sorry.

[active listening] Sounds like you had a rough day. [/active listening]