A married friend is cheating on their spouse and I need advice.....

[Izzy]

I've asked my close friends and so far they are split on what I should do. Sorry, long story, but I'm torn on this one.

I'm in a weird situation. I have this guy friend who lives in another state and we've known each other for 7 years. We have shared everything about our lives and are very close, but not in a sexual way at all, and never have been. Just a truly "guy friend." Well, he did a little bit of overshare with me the other day. He got married not even quite 2 years ago to someone I have never met, and I never pegged him to be the type to cheat. About a year ago his wife got a job in another city about 2 hours away, and they've had a commuter relationship since then. They are together every weekend in one town or the other, and he can take a lot of time off because he works for his Dad, so they are together 3-4 days out of the week at least, and go on a lot of vacations together (he has money). They are both very ingrained in each other's families also, and both families are close too since their marriage, and they all attend weddings, parties, funerals, etc. together. I thought they had a wonderful relationship.

But, in the past he has shared with me that even though they are apart a lot, and when they are together for vacations and long periods of time, his wife's sex drive is much lower than his, and she is young, and it bothers him. Well, the other day he writes me and forwards this email and pictures of an "Escort" he hired!!! I don't consider her an escort, I consider her a PROSTITUTE!! I was completely SHOCKED!! It made me almost sick to my stomach. He told me has done it before and is also flirting with a couple of girls in his classes. I gave him the lecture about his innocent wife, and that condoms don't protect you 100% from aids, herpes and other stuff, and if they did oral you might as well not even used a condom!! I told him if he wanted to sleep around, get a divorce and not subject his innocent wife to any number of venereal diseases, or to be honest with her and tell her how miserable he is with their sex life and work it out with a counselor. Did he listen? NO!! He went through with it!! I told him I had absolutely zero respect for him, that he literally turned my stomach and I want nothing more to do with him and no longer wanted to communicate with him, EVER.

So, my question is: Do I do nothing and let his wife be subjected to any kind of STD, including aids, OR do I anonymously let the wife know because I have never met her? I don't want to inflict that kind of pain on someone I don't know!! BUT, my moral side wants to protect her!! GOD I HATE THIS GUY!! I feel like if I did let her know anonymously I could be saving her life, but she and both of their families may turn on me or try and find out who I am, when I want NOTHING to do with it. This would literally tear two families apart!! Also, I'm sure he would figure out it was me who anonymously let her know. Half of my friends have said "You HAVE to let the wife know, she is in danger of possibly even losing her life" and the other half have said "Let it go, he will hang himself in the end and she will eventually find out." (Generalizations of what they all said combined.)

I have NO IDEA of what to do!! I HATE THIS!! I feel guilty either way I choose. I sure as heck don't want the families coming after me!! You know how that goes, sometimes it is the person who spills the beans who is blamed and turned on. But I am so afraid for her. Please give your opinions or advice on what I should do, it helps to have an outsider's opinion. Thanks in advance.

[DavidOdden]

I think you're being, shall we say, over-expressive, in some of what you were saying. If you meant some of what you said, you wouldn't have posted here, you would know what to do. Specifically, I would question you about your total and complete rejection of this guy, your urge to never speak to him and how you utterly hate him. I don't think that's true, and that is what makes this difficult. Because if you really did hate him and had written him off forever, you would have told Mrs. Cheated-on about her impending health problems. On the one hand, you have a clear disvalue, a scumbag former friend who has betrayed not only his wife but also you. On the other, you have a stranger. You have no obligations to a stranger; on the other hand, simple no-cost charity is not evil. If you saw a (non-threatening) stranger clinging to a life-vest being swept away by a flood, and you had the capability to save the stranger at no risk or loss of value to yourself, why wouldn't you act on basic human kindness? The only reason that I can think of is that the guy could probably hate you for doing this (assume that he could figure out that it was you who ratted the rat out) -- that's the price. Do you care? I think that is the question you have to resolve.

It sucks.

[Drew1776]

The issue here is simple. Your “friend” is a scum bag. If I were you I’d tell his wife. Just realize that their relationship may be very different from what you may think it to be.

[KevinD]

You're in a tough position, Izzy, and I'm sorry to say I have no specific advice to offer you. However a few thoughts occur to me as I read your message. . . .

[T]he other day he writes me and forwards this email and pictures of an "Escort" he hired!!! I don't consider her an escort, I consider her a PROSTITUTE!! I was completely SHOCKED!! It made me almost sick to my stomach. He told me has done it before and is also flirting with a couple of girls in his classes.

You realize that this is pathological behavior. Not merely cavorting with call girls and flirting with coeds (that's bad enough), but he's bragging to you about it, and sending you pictures of his "ladies of the night"! (Who's ever heard of a married man showing photos of his "escorts" to anyone — let alone to his female friends?)

It sounds to me like this guy has some very serious problems. His wife may indeed be the innocent party, though perhaps not as much as you might think.

About a year ago his wife got a job in another city about 2 hours away, and they've had a commuter relationship since then.

I don't want to speculate too much on a relationship I know next to nothing about, but this kind of thing always strikes me as suspicious. I'm sure you've heard all the reasons and explanations for why their separation "had" to happen — I know you said they still see each other regularly, and they go on vacation together often. But isn't a major part of marriage the joy of building a life together? The pleasure of sharing your day-to-day experiences with the person you consider to be your soulmate?

. . . his wife's sex drive is much lower than his . . .

I've heard this "sex drive" business many times before, and in my thoroughly unprofessional opinion, a lot of the time it's bunk. I don't doubt that he's much more interested in sex than she is, but generally speaking when a woman lacks desire in this regard, it's almost always because she's not turned on by the man she's with. Very often, "low sex drive" is a kind of psychological euphemism for "harbors serious misgivings about the relationship." Believe me, some women can go from being practically asexual, to the proudest multi-orgasmic beasts you've ever met, simply by finding a man whom they can love deeply and passionately.

Your former friend's wife probably is being deceived — but then, you have to wonder to what extent she may be a willing participant in the hoodwinking. As a previous poster alluded, you don't know what's going on behind the scenes here. Can a woman be married to a man for two years, and not be aware on some level what kind of a person he is?

Edited December 19, 2006 by Kevin Delaney

[eudaemonist]

Think of it like this: if your input helps her make the decision to leave him, you'll be doing both of them a favor.

[K-Mac]

Commuter relationship, low sex drive? Maybe she's seeing someone else too?