How to become sober

[BaseballGenius]

My older brother, 27 years old, has had quite a drinking problem in his life the past 5-7 years. He spends most of his spare time drinking alcohol, usually by himself. But a month ago, he said that he wanted to break this habit and become sober. He moved back in with my dad and he stayed sober there for a couple weeks. Then he went back to his place, but he couldnt help drinking there. So now he's back at my dads.

That leads to the basic question: How does one become sober?

Personally, Ive never been a drinker so I dont know the exact mindset of a person who is. But I think the main problem that the person has is that he doesnt have a central purpose to his life. You find something you love to do, and you set goals and plan your future that way. That gives your decisions a conscious standard, which is whatever supports my CPL is good and whatever hinders it is bad. For instance: Is getting drunk going to help me achieve my goals or would studying books help(or whatever). If you lack a meaning to your life and you just drift from day-to-day, then there really isnt much incentive to staying sober. They dont have any goals, nothing to strive for. People get drunk because they are trying to escape the reality of their life. Do you agree with this?

And if you agree that this is the problem, what is the first step(and steps after) to helping the other person understand this? Or is there a different step that needs to be taken first?

[Strangelove]

Is getting drunk going to help me achieve my goals or would studying books help(or whatever). If you lack a meaning to your life and you just drift from day-to-day, then there really isnt much incentive to staying sober. They dont have any goals, nothing to strive for. People get drunk because they are trying to escape the reality of their life. Do you agree with this?

As someone who knows a recovering alcocholic quite personally, I find the above statement incorrect. While it may be true in the case of some, this I don't feel that that alone accounts for why all people become alcholics. Many people who are productive and have real goals become alcocholics.

[dan_edge]

In my view, the first step an alcoholic or drug addict must take is to make the decision to never, ever use these substances again. Ever. For an addict, it is of no use whatsoever to seek out values or set goals that he will only destroy through substance abuse. Once he quits, a whole world of values will open up to him. He will have a lot of extra time and money on his hands, which can then be put to good use.

Of course, there are tools that can be helpful to an addict: keeping a journal every day, writing lists of daily tasks, working out every day, and staying closely connected to friends and family. But these alone will not usually keep the addict from using. Nor will they lead him to the eventual decision to quit. This decision must be made first, before any coping strategies will be effective.

Rational Recovery

--Dan Edge

[Seeker]

The matter should not be terribly complex. If he quit before, he can again. He wants to; he can; it's rational; that should be sufficient for him to decide to quit. Once he has made that decision, he merely needs to resort to his own sense of integrity. That should be easy - integrity, honesty, pride and so forth are values that we can achieve in indefinite quantities. It's not like money or love: there is no limit. The matter is squarely one of volition: all one has to do is keep his word.

It might help for him to put it writing: "I will not drink", or "I will drink on social occasions only", or "I will not purchase alcohol" - whatever his decision is. Then sign his name to it. He's then made a very definite, explicit, concrete promise to himself, and to keep it he need only remember the value of integrity and how awful it would feel to not be able to trust himself. In all seriousness, self-trust is the only thing that can never be taken away, except by ourselves. It's the most precious thing we have. Unfortunately, some people aren't in the habit of making and keeping promises to themselves. They've acquired the belief that life is a meaningless joke. So you've got to take yourself and your life seriously first, and be willing to commit to a self-promise, and have the integrity to follow through.

Edited March 31, 2007 by Seeker

[AMERICONORMAN]

Something important is missing in your life, and the intoxication either allows you to view the object -- your life -- with an intensity of pleasure that is unmatched when not intoxicated. Or, the intoxication allows you to dream in an intense manner to see the object -- your life -- as it is not really. Or the drinking allows you to feel about life as you don't normally can, but as you actually do deserve, so that in those moments of intensity, you can feel great. In the latter case what is stopping you from feeling so great about your reality, is it you or is it other people that are hiding the truth from you?

Usually, losing someone important in one's life leads to drinking.

Then there is the case of some traumatic experience of your past that you do not want to see.

And there is the case when you don't want to see how low your self-esteem is.

The solution: you must learn how to experience life with the same intensity that you would otherwise do "only" with alcohol. This I believe is hard even for those who do not choose drink.

Jose.

Edited March 31, 2007 by AMERICONORMAN

[BaseballGenius]

As someone who knows a recovering alcocholic quite personally, I find the above statement incorrect.

Do you have any idea as to why that person became an alcoholic? And has he broken the habit?

[BaseballGenius]

In my view, the first step an alcoholic or drug addict must take is to make the decision to never, ever use these substances again. Ever.

My brother is willing to quit. He wants to break the habit. But I think he's really vulnerable to drinking again because he has no established goals, nothing of meaning to spend his time on. Do you have any suggestions as to what the next step should be? Do you think figuring out his central purpose would be the next best step?

[BaseballGenius]

Once he has made that decision, he merely needs to resort to his own sense of integrity.

I think he also needs to see and understand why its better not to be drunk. If he feels more "pleasure" while drunk, then I cant see him breaking that habit without personally feeling better while sober. Thats why I think figuring out his central purpose would be the best thing to help break his habit, because he will achieve pride and have something positive to look forward to.

The solution: you must learn how to experience life with the same intensity that you would otherwise do "only" with alcohol. This I believe is hard even for those who do not choose drink.

Jose.

Do you have any suggestions to help get to this point of optimism?

[Seeker]

I think he also needs to see and understand why its better not to be drunk.

Well, sure he does. That's part-and-parcel of deciding whether or not to drink. He's got to decide, though - not evade decision and see-saw between regretting the unpleasurable downside and embracing the pleasurable upside of drinking. Those are fine factors to weigh in his decision, but then he needs to make a decision. Note that the process is flawed if giving up drinking is presupposed as the correct outcome, particularly by someone else's judgment. He needs to look at the facts and decide for himself that the value of being sober outweighs the pleasure of being drunk. And once he's made that judgment, that judgment and his sense of integrity are what he will refer back to when subsequently confronted with the pleasurable upside of drinking.

If he feels more "pleasure" while drunk, then I cant see him breaking that habit without personally feeling better while sober.

Then he will not act in accord with his commitments? This is a separate problem. It is understandable that self-worth plays a role in having integrity, being honest, doing what one says one will do, etc. (in all matters, not just alcohol). In this, a lack of self-worth would indeed be a problem. Certainly, he ought to develop a CPL. But what I don't understand is how someone totally lacking self-worth could decide to give up alcohol, for implicit in that decision is a judgment that one is worth the effort. So while you quite properly emphasize the importance of his feelings, I will continue to emphasize the importance of decision, commitment, and integrity, i.e. an appeal to reason over emotion, because that is the linchpin of it all.

[BaseballGenius]

Well, sure he does. That's part-and-parcel of deciding whether or not to drink. He's got to decide, though - not evade decision and see-saw between regretting the unpleasurable downside and embracing the pleasurable upside of drinking. Those are fine factors to weigh in his decision, but then he needs to make a decision.

Well he made the decision to break his habit, but I think he ran into trouble when he realized that his life is filled with boredom when hes not drinking. So wouldnt it be logical to suggest he needs to establish meaningful goals to make being sober worth it? Dont you think thats the next step after making a conscious decision to stop drinking?

Then he will not act in accord with his commitments?

Why would he? He gives up drinking and now has to face the boredom of his life that was once filled with "pleasure". Probably not real pleasure, but better than having to live a boring life. And as he's sitting there sober and cant see happiness this way, he's ultimately going to go back to the bottle. Thats why I think it is extremely important to establish meaningful goals right away.

But what I don't understand is how someone totally lacking self-worth could decide to give up alcohol, for implicit in that decision is a judgment that one is worth the effort.

Maybe he currently feels little self-worth, but has hope that he can gain some when sober. But this hope will fade if he doesnt figure out what he loves to do in life. He is pretty smart, I just dont think he has a meaningful outlet for his mind though. Figuring out that outlet is the key.

[RationalBiker]

It's certainly possible that he's drinking because he's bored, but my experience suggests that in most cases it's something else. Alchoholics tend to be the quintessential self-medicators. Is it possible that he's depressed over something in his life that you may not be aware of? (Yes, he could be depressed over a lack of a central purpose, but I mean maybe some other event) What has gone on in the last 5-7 years of his life (perhaps even earlier), specifically at the beginning or just prior to the beginning of that time?

I've had several alcholics in my family, chief of which was my dad. I never had a problem with drinking myself, but my exposure to it's affects on my family and what I see on the job have made me stop drinking alcohol altogether for around 8 years now.

I agree that he needs to stop all use of the substances, but that alone won't help. My laymen's opinion is that he needs to understand why drinking "helps" him to begin with and then he needs to know how to resolve that. Yes, having a purpose and a direction can help, but not for long if there is some other underlying issue that does not get resolved.

He gives up drinking and now has to face the boredom of his life that was once filled with "pleasure". Probably not real pleasure, but better than having to live a boring life.

I would suggest he's not inducing pleasure, he's numbing pain.

Edited April 1, 2007 by RationalBiker

[Seeker]

Well he made the decision to break his habit, but I think he ran into trouble when he realized that his life is filled with boredom when hes not drinking. So wouldnt it be logical to suggest he needs to establish meaningful goals to make being sober worth it? Dont you think thats the next step after making a conscious decision to stop drinking?

Don't misunderstand, I think he definitely should determine a meaningful purpose and goals for himself. Whether that will be sufficient for him to 1. decide to give up drinking and 2. follow his decisions, is another question. Before he can, he definitely needs to do some serious introspection to get at the root of what is causing him to want to drink.

[Blinky]

My older brother, 27 years old, has had quite a drinking problem in his life the past 5-7 years. He spends most of his spare time drinking alcohol, usually by himself. But a month ago, he said that he wanted to break this habit and become sober. He moved back in with my dad and he stayed sober there for a couple weeks. Then he went back to his place, but he couldnt help drinking there. So now he's back at my dads.

There is a problem that sometimes occurs when alcoholics returns home from treatment and that might play a role in your brother case too. The problem is that body is by conditioning prepared to deal with alcohol in environment where a person drinks a lot. Thus when someone returns to the place where he used to drink (home, pub, where he used to drink or so), and has no problem elsewhere, it may be just to big a relief for him to drink here that he can´t avoid drinking eventhough he is otherwise cured. It is supposed to work by releasing hormones that help body to get rid of alcohol and that can cause nausea or other problems when alcohol is not consumed. So it may help your brother to don´t stop abruptly but rather gradually or to move somewhere else and return when he is absolutely certain that he won´t have problems anymore (even than it would be better to have someone with him in a case that it would be too hard to don´t drink).

I would like to stress that I don´t think that this is only problem and that this is a cause of his behavior. Just that it may play a role and may make it harder for him.

[dan_edge]

My brother is willing to quit. He wants to break the habit. But I think he's really vulnerable to drinking again because he has no established goals, nothing of meaning to spend his time on. Do you have any suggestions as to what the next step should be? Do you think figuring out his central purpose would be the next best step?

Hello,

If your brother is truly willing to break the habit, then the only next step I could recommend to him is to completely renounce drinking once and for all. No other steps will be effective until this one is made. For him, no central purpose can coexist with drinking. He would only be setting himself up to destroy his newly discovered dreams for himself. If he is truly ready to give it up, he can take this step.

If he is *not* yet willing to give up drinking forever, then he doesn't really want to quit, though he may not realize this explicitly. In this case, I may recommend that he resolve himself to keep a journal every day, even if he has nothing to write about. This journal should be something that he will never show to anyone else, ever. This sort of think can help him communicate with himself more clearly and honestly. If he is not ready to renounce alcohol, but he says he's ready to quit, then he is being dishonest with himself. Keeping a journal can help.

Finally, tell him to look at this website:

Rational Recovery

These people aren't perfect, but their approach is the most rational I've seen.

[Keep in mind, I am not a professional, but I speak from experience.]

--Dan Edge

[Strangelove]

Do you have any idea as to why that person became an alcoholic? And has he broken the habit?

From my (limited) understanding, he was perfectly content with his life and that his body has a response to the alcochol which created a positive feedback loop. That he was always "thirsty" for something to drink even when he was perfectly fine.

He has stayed sober due to AA meetings.

[BaseballGenius]

My laymen's opinion is that he needs to understand why drinking "helps" him to begin with and then he needs to know how to resolve that.

Yes, I'll have him do some introspection on the problem and then hopefully he'll figure out the cause of his desire to drink so much. The two questions of introspections are: "What do I feel" and "Why do I feel it". When asking himself these questions, should they be focused on a specific time frame, such as when the desire to drink initiates? Do you guys have anything to add on how to introspect this problem properly?

[BaseballGenius]

So it may help your brother to don´t stop abruptly but rather gradually

Does anyone else agree or disagree with this statement? To either try to stop completely right away or gradually lower the amount.

[BaseballGenius]

Hello

Hello.

Finally, tell him to look at this website:

Rational Recovery

They recommend self-recovery, right? Whats the jist of their plan?

[dan_edge]

Hello,

Their home page will tell you a lot. There are several extended presentations on their site also that you can look through. Essentially, the idea is to start with a decision to quit all substance abuse forever, then live the rest of your life. Sounds simple, I know, but they have much more to say about it, and it is *so* much more praticable and effective than what one is taught in AA or any 12-step program.

--Dan Edge