On 2016-06-25 at 7:22 AM, dadmonson said:
So the o’ist answer to how to attract an attractive woman is basically self improvement?
Well, I’ve just finished reading the 6 pillars of self esteem and I must say it’s a damn good book… I will reread it again and again and practice the 6 pillars of self esteem until I’ve internalized everything. I’m very serious about this because I love my life.
I don’t really give a rats ass what the Objectivist answer is, but yes… if you don’t like the results you’ve been getting you need to make some improvements.
A friend of mine used to have the saying “be that guy…”. Meaning basically that if you want to be someone who attracts people around you, then “be that guy…”. Be that guy who takes initiative for parties or other events (depending on what you want, of course). Be that guy who has a lot going on in his life. Be that guy who’s so excited by his own life that others want to partake.
I think you get the idea.
Of course, if you prefer cozy little Ayn Rand bookclubs instead of sex, drugs and rock 'n roll… well, then that’s what you should aim for. This is not meant to push you to be a certain way, but to take control and form the life you want around you.
Now, that last bit is very important. You won’t get anywhere by reading books and being stuck in your own head. I agree that Nathaniel Brandens book is good, but it’s better pushed to the back of your head for now. What you need to do first is take action. Start by identifying little things you could do better and go from there. Get some skin in the game and learn from real life.
By the way, for you or anyone else reading this. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that there’s something wrong with you because you might find this difficult. I don’t know where you’re at, but I know a lot of guys base their self esteem on their success with women.
Well, that’s bullshit. Don’t ever think that. I don’t care if you’re an introverted computer geek who prefers books before socializing with other people. That’s me in a nutshell, although i’ve somehow become much more social over the years.
That shit doesn’t matter. What matters is connecting with people that are right for YOU. If you find that difficult you are probably doing something wrong, but that just means you haven’t figured everything out yet. Don’t let that get to your self esteem.
It actually reminds me of an old friend of mine. The sterotypical computer programmer. Fiercly intelligent, but very little social skills. UNIX-beard, ugly glasses, and he probably buys new clothes once every decade.
The thing is, despite those flaws i’ve seen him attract many women. At first. He’s different, he doesn’t hide it and he’s quite clear about who he is. That even means being quite abrasive with women whe find stupid (not really rude, but abrasive).
I’ve seen many women drawn to him just because of that. I’ve even tried to point that out for him, but he doesn’t believe it. He stubbornly thinks it’s his intelligence that puts them off, while it’s actually what attract them.
Problem is, you cannot just only talk about your interests. That girl may find your stories of World of Warcraft exciting, but it’s a good idea to find out what stuff gets her excited as well. Then you should not assume that because you’ve found some common ground, things you both like, that it means attraction. It could just as well mean friendship. And please, don’t get angry and bitter because of it.
In such cases it really helps to see when a woman is attractaded, as opposed to friendly. But please avoid taking that as a kick to your ego.
Personally, many years ago I realized that I was stuck in a dead end. I was basically only working for tomorrow while all my friends had moved and gone on with their lives. Pretty miserable situation, really. So I quit my job and went looking for better things to do. Tried, failed, tried some more and after a lot of hard work and failures things started to go well…
At first I consumed pretty much every material I could get on seduction and self improvement. But, there’s nothing like just putting yourself out there.
One of the things I did was go out to bars and clubs. That’s pretty awkward when you’re alone, but that’s also where you meet new people. And after a while I did. Some of them old friends and aquaintances, others complete strangers.
I actually started to have some real fun. One of the craziest nights started when I was just being nice and friendly. This guy came up to me and asked for help finding his friend. It ended with tons of booze, naked girls and… well, I decided to leave discreetly when the guys started sniffing cocaine off the girls tits. Not really my cup of tea. I don’t like heavy drugs and I certainly would not have liked being there if the cops showed up.
Through work I met a lot of women. Some friends, and others more than friends. Having female friends is a great help if you want to meet more women, and become more than friendly. I also find women to be a refreshing contrast to men. After having worked in a male dominated environment, especially with the kind of men who can barely read or write, you truly start to appreciate the company of women more (yeah, like any man doesn’t appreciate the company of women…).
Somehow this has led to a reputation of being a ladies man. I’ve never bothered to deny it. I haven’t confirmed it either. Truth is i’ve been around, and I don’t take responsibility for what others think, but I don’t sleep with everything with a pair of tits. I’m too lazy for that. It’s too much work for something that will probably turn out to be a disappointment. That may work for a 20-something guy full of hormones, and I would even encourage to get some experience, but once you get older and you’ve done it a few times you start to appreciate quality.
Some of the new friends i’ve made encouraged me to start travel more. I used to be too caught up in other things before, so I hadn’t traveled much. Now i’ve driven through large parts of western europe, and some of eastern europe. That’s among the very best experiences i’ve had. I don’t mean taking a flight and living on a sunny beach somwhere. I mean taking a car, just driving away, and seeing what’s around the next corner. I’ve been lost in east Berlin, and communist ghettos in Poland. I’ve driven through the Alps and visited small italian villages in the Appenines. Seeing the world, when you’re far from home and a completely foreign country, really gives some perspective.
It’s also intersting to meet women from other countries. I’ve hooked up with women in every country i’ve been to, and some women from countries i’ve never visited. That’s also something that might give you pause for thought.
For example, eastern european women tend to have som real macho ideals about men. Meeting that, when you come from the most feminist country in the world - Sweden - is quite interesting. Sadly many of them also seem to have trouble finding men who are not drunks and beat them.
German women tend to be quite forward. And friggin kinky. Granted, I haven’t been to the US yet, but I bet if you come from there you’d be shocked. This is the country where they openly advertise brothels and you can buy sex toys at every gas station.
Italian women… they are just classy, charming and completely wonderful. There’s still some macho bullshit going on there, but still… I love italian women. And Polish women.
Anyhow, that’s not really the point here. I can make generalizations of women from different countries all day, but the point is when you travel around you see these differences more clearly.
Now, these are just some changes i’ve made to my life. I’ve gone from a dead end to making real progress, getting a successful carrer, making new friends, meeting women and so on and so forth.
When it comes to women, i’ve also learned to “flirt”. I put that in scare quotes because flirting is not really what I do. Well, I do it a lot, but when it comes to laying down a prey it’s killer instinct that matters. It’s like a gut feeling you develop, and when you get it you just go for it.
That’s also why it’s difficult to teach. If I were to say “just grap her and kiss her” you’d probably get slapped and kicked in the nuts. Granted, sometimes you have to gamble, but… it’s better to have some feel for these things.
Okay, so a very long winded post. What i’m basically trying to say with all this verbiage is that you have to get out there, learn the ropes, fail and try again. Having all these great ideas of self esteem in your head is great. They will help you. Ultimately though, you must get out there and try your wings.
By the way, this is irregardless of any wise shit you might get from some pick-up artist. I’m all for looking into the stuff that’s out there. If you’re critical and don’t swallow all of the bullshit there are actually some good things you can learn. Just keep in mind that many of the guys doing this are not quite right in the head. I think Neil Strauss ‘The Game’ exposes that side quite well (he is very charismatic and has some good tips though).