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Everything posted by Alfa

  1. I was not reffering to when you kissed her. That was the good part. You wanted to kiss her, so you did. Well done. The problem is accepting her "let's just be friends". The proper response would have been: "Um... no.". Don't accept being just friends when you want more. Just tell her straight you want her. Her confusion, which I doubt, is not your responsibility. If you have an issue, real or inveted, with her behavior, then raise that issue. What you did was you felt(notice the word felt) ignored and pissed. Instead of talking to her you ran away, got drunk and hooked up with another girl. When you don't show her what you want and don't raise issues you're having with her, she's not going to trust you. That's why she thinks you're dishonest. The right thing to do is to let her know whats going on with you. Don't put the responsibility of it on her, like "you're causing me to feel this way". Just tell her whats going on: "I feel pissed and ignored". And why wouldn't you put her on the spot 4 days after you kissed? Let her know where you stand on that issue. Good. Now also notice that the mistake was linked to the previous mistakes. You failed to be straight and dodged the issues, which led to a very poor decision. I'm not trying to beat you up about it. What's done is done. But, there are important lessons to be learned so you can avoid future mistakes. Why did you feel that way? She tells you kissing was a mistake and that she wants to be just friends with you. Would it be dishonest not to tell her you kissed someone else? Why? You're just friends, right...? If you're thinking about it just as friendship you wouldn't have any issue with honesty here. So what if she finds out later? You're just friends! Atleast I don't tell my female friends when I kiss someone Or, well, sometimes I do but that's because I like to tell them about good events in my life. The issue is, just as aequalsa put it, that you betrayed yourself - not Francis. I'm not saying it was wrong to tell her. If you wanted to tell her, that's fine. However, there was more to tell. You regard her as more than a friend, something you failed to communicate earlier. That would have been the right thing to tell her: "I hooked up with Julie and we kissed. Now I feel bad about it. I was pissed because I felt rejected. The truth is I really like you and want to be more than just friends".
  2. While fascinating I must say I find computer generated music very uncanny. Gives me the creeps and makes my hairs stand on end. Though not exactly related it reminds me of the people in the movie The Polar Express., who look very realistic but soulless.
  3. Big mistake. You should have told her what you wanted. Instead you put yourself in that horrible place called "the friend zone".. Really, you say that you're in love with her and that you've been kissing. A better and more honest response would have been to tell her you want more than friendship. It's all or nothing, no "let's just be friends". Yes, it could mean your relationship ends there, or you'll get back as friends in a few months when you're over her... just don't ever accept the friend zone when you want more than just friends. Did you tell her? "I feel ignored and it's making me pissed. I don't have any regrets about what happened and ignoring it is not going to change anything, so either talk to me or we end this here". This is a very immature and passive-agressive action. It's a consequence of avoiding the real issue and instead playing her games of ignoring and jealousy. Tell what to whom? If you're just friends with Francis you don't owe it to her to tell who you kiss or sleep with. If Julie is getting the wrong idea about what you want from her you should make it clear where you stand.
  4. Sure, your actions may feel all kinds of strange if they're far out of your comfort zone. That's allright. Let them. I was reacting to the word 'method' that you used, but i'm not quite sure what you mean by that. Then you're taking the wrong attitude towards it. The point is letting go of the negative focus, the pressure, the demands and the expectations you're putting on yourself. So you're nervous and you don't quite know what to do. Let's face it, you're probably going to screw a few things up. And people are going to notice, too. Learn to be fine with that and accept it. Not as a permanent state, but as a temporary weakness. It's part of who you are today. Accept that and move on. You're not being dishonest by not announcing that you get nervous. But in some context it may be desirable to inform others what's going on with you. That's being open, and such openess can help get the problem out of the way - both for you and whoever you're talking to. Acting confident when you're not is actually not really honest. And I like to give a friendly warning there as well... if you're out dating women your confidence will be tested. Some will try and tear you apart if they doubt your authenticity. I suggest instead automatizing the behavior of keeping an absolute focus on reality, always sticking to the truth and never hiding or faking anything. On the contrary. I've always been an introvert. Never had many friends and i've stood alone most of my life. I've suffered tremendous heartbreak because of it. That's why this discusion interests me. I've actually spent years trying to figure things out and improving myself. Tried the fake it til you make it approach, read lots of books, observed and interacted with people etc. The funny thing is... I still get nervous sometimes, say or do the wrong things and I bet some people think i'm a bit strange as well. But... I don't really care. I'm very happy with myself, tend to quickly make friends when I meet new people, I have a job that's very demanding on social skills and so and so forth. My point is, what once seemed like a huge problem is miniscule today. I still have areas to work on, but things are going really well. So my advice is based on going from failure towards having real success.
  5. Still, according to Peikoff, she used it in an attempt to put him at ease. Small talk is good that way. It's a way of showing that you value relationships with other people and creating a friendly and relaxed atmosphere. No one likes the actual small talk itself. Well, with a possible exception of a collegue of mine whom i've never heard utter a single word of consequence. He's also incredibly boring and meaningsless. Normal people just don't have that much to say about the weather. The important thing about small talk is what's between the lines, and from what Peikoff said there I think Ayn Rand saw that as well.
  6. Why is the age difference a problem? Are you sure any problems can't be worked out? Why are you even thinking that she's out of your league? Have you actually tried pursuing her? How about just going for it? Tell her what you like about her: play, tease, flirt and just flat out tell her what you want.
  7. I did not just put it out there separate of context. If you mean natural in the sense of just doing what you've always done and what you're comfortable with, then it will certainly not fix anything. That's not what I was suggesting either. Yes, you have to take different actions than what you've done before. I think it's a good idea to examine your behavior, what motivates it and how to improve it. So I suggest recognizing that it's a new situation and that you haven't yet decided how to handle it. What I suggest not doing is pretending you are Mr. Suave when you're not. I recommend checking what's on your mind and just pick something. Blurting can be a good idea. Just make sure you're not censoring yourself. If you're still just drawing blanks... well, if you don't have anything to say or do then don't. Why? Why choose a method of socialization that feels alien? What i'm suggesting is taking actions towards what you really want, even if it makes you uncomfortable or whatever. Just don't pretend it's something it's not. I can take Dante's youtube-clip as an example: So you want to talk to that girl but it's scary and uncomfortable? Do you: 1. Accept that you're feeling scared and uncomfortable, be upfront and honest about it and just go for it? "Hi, i'm Alfa... I don't usually do this because i'm shy, and really nervous, but I really wanted to talk to you" or 2. Pretend that you're awesome with the ladies. "Yo! What up sexy girl? I just noticed you noticing me and wanted to put you on notice that..." And I can say "darn it, i'm feeling really nervous", perhaps adding "just so you know... i'm not really on drugs". The problem isn't saying something nice or keeping your emotions under control. It's pretending that things aren't really what they are.
  8. Hehe, I would suggest starting small before working up to the grand finale. But hey, alteast you would have something to laugh at. That alone has to be worth something. Another suggestion would be to look at the jargon you have with your buddies. I don't know about you, but I think most people have a different jargon with their closest friends than with colleagues, or... people of the opposite sex. Try some of that in new situations as a start. Next time someone asks you how you're doing tell them your balls are itching and you need to buy new razors. Crude? Yes. Inapropriate? Absolutley. There are probably a ton of good reason not to say it. But the worst thing that could happen is someone thinks you're a little weird. Or you could get lucky like me, and it's a start of a new friendship.
  9. If you're standing on a cliff, looking down at the water far below, do you admit that the idea of jumping in scares you or do you pretend that it doesn't? What i'm suggesting is to simply accept the fact that you're scared, but dive right in if it's the right thing to do. So what if you're not socially comfortable? Should you try and maintain the act of looking really cool, or just accept the fact that you're uncofortable - without letting that stop you? I think in the end being socially comfortable means being comfortable with yourself and standing up for who you are and what you want. Alot of anxiety comes from not accepting yourself, fear of rejection and trying to adapt to what others want from you. If you build a fake act on top of that it takes you further away from solving the more fundamental issue. You're putting on an act that isn't you, when what you need to do is the old cliché of "just be yourself". This does not mean that you should just accept that you're alone and socially awkward without doing something about it. I would rather suggest doing things you're not comfortable with, meet new people, practice your social skills etc. Just do it without pretending.
  10. Instead of faking it I prefer the attitude of: "Screw this! Here I am - take it or leave it!". The point is to be open, honest, and above all else - authentic. The problem with faking it is that it's, well... fake. You success will be determined by your acting skills. While in the end it may turn out fine, to get there you're likely to be in constant conflict with yourself. Atleast that's how it's worked out for me. I think it's better to just accept who you are, and let others accept that too - warts and all. From there, just work on your weaknesses. Speaking of small talk. Here's a little tip: Set the tone and take the lead. If you don't like where a conversation is going, or maybe it isn't going anywhere, just change the subject or say something to break the ice a little further. I'm not saying you should avoid all small talk, like others here I also find it valuable, but if social interactions aren't going your way - steer them in the direction you want. Ask people for their opninion on a subject that interests you, or tell a story about something you wish to share with them. If you can't find anything to talk about you can bring in the heavy artillery - the social faux pas. Someone once told me that the most important rule in any social interaction is to break all the rules atleast once, and see what happens. And what happens is that people will open up, feel more at ease and the conversations will be much more interesting. The reason being that you just took a big risk, raised the bar and with a little sense for delivery they will laugh. If you can get away with saying that, sureley they can speak more freely.
  11. I used the word "skanks" in reference to both genders. The point was not that there's anything wrong with improving ones skills in the bed, but rather that such activities are better done with someone you actually value. I mean, why not instead spend the time finding someone you like, start a meaningful relationship and just have lots of sex. You can also read a book or two for tips and techniques. Problem solved.
  12. Actually, Roark DID know what was going on. He even warned Dominique, telling her to be careful and absolutely sure of the things she set in motion. She made it very clear, by hitting him, after Roark had sent someone else in his stead. Acting with such certainty on his judgement is also an important part of Roark's character. Most men would have bailed out.
  13. Well, instead of going to the school for skanks it seems a much better idea to go out and find a sweetheart to practice with.
  14. Thanks! Yes indeed, i'm very happy about that. Suddenly I have a half decent salary. Perhaps you're right. It seems that I have misjudged them, and boy am I happy to be wrong! The recruiting process itself was rather... special, I think. First, of course, you had to pass the review of your application. I know a few who failed there for seemingly arbitrary reasons. Then you had to take the personality test. I think it must have been built around some dark magic, because as bad as it looked it still provided rather accurate answers. When I got the feedback from the test I could agree with pretty much everything it said. The next step was an interview with, supposedly, the best recruiters around. And darn it, the lady who interview me was absolutely brilliant. I have never before left an interview thinking that they got a complete and honest view of me. On top of that, I felt exhalted afterwards. I had such an amazingly good time on that interview, and I got tons of positive feedback. If it wasn't illegal i'd send that lady some flowers and a cake. Based on that my boss got a review of all the applicants who passed. I was one of them. And, lastly, it was time for an interview with my boss. Can you imagine how stiff of an interview it was, when you've worked with the guy for 6 months? I'm glad that was over quickly... This whole process has been like some slow agonizing torture. During the last 6 months i've had my contract extended no less than 4 times, and now... finally! Oh well, now that it's over and done with it's time to make plans on how to improve further and set up goals for the future. One really good thing about this job is that it could possibly make a great opportunity to get into law school. It would be fun to study that on the side while advancing my career.
  15. Haha, just got a permanent position and almost a 1000$ more per month raise. Did not see that one coming... What can I say, except... duh, WINNING!
  16. Alot of a persons sense of life can be communicated through looks, expressions and body language. Some of it we pick up conciously and some of it subconciously. When we someone reflecting our values it's quite possible to have a very strong reaction - i.e love at first sight. It does not necessarily mean it holds up to scrutiny. Our perception may be wrong, perhaps there are flaws we find out later and maybe our minds are filling in the blanks when we first see the other person. Sometimes it's more a reaction to our values than the other person itself. However, that does not make it any less love. Personally I find it alot harder to believe in love at second glance. It's never worked that way for me and the relationships i've seen built on it seem more like friendship.
  17. If you think Bill Gates is a joke I suggest you start to re-evaluate people. His achievements are tremendous and the value he has created is mind-boggling. There is no way his flaws could ever reduce him to a joke.
  18. I believe anti-social refers to actions within the social realm, for instance the typical bar fight or whatever. Asocial refers to actions where communication is not possible and someone really tries to kill you. Search for Tim Larkin and Target-Focus Training and you should find further information.
  19. In that case the best sollution is to get outta there, call in an airstrike and watch some episode of Seinfeld.
  20. I would put it a little differently. Anger is "only" an emotion. It can be based on either good or bad premises. When the reason for anger is justified it can be a useful fuel for action. I agree that supressing/repressing your emotions is bad. However, so is getting overly emotional and acting without clear thinking. Slightly off-topic: I have indeed just passed the first phase in the recruiting process. I must say i'm pleasantly surprised by that. The next step is to pass a personality test. This is based on allocating points on a series of statements. Each step has 3 statements and 6 points to allocate. The statements go something like: it's important to work in a good enviroment, have challenging tasks and think outside the box. Sheesh, is that kind of crapola common in todays market?
  21. Yes, it's immoral to lie. By lying you are evading reality, in this case your boyfriends character. You seem to know what his reaction will be like, while trying to avoid the consequences of telling him the truth. Think about what effect that attitude will have on your relationship in the long run. I suggest you tell him straight. Then deal with it. Either you'll come to terms with each other, or it will cause a break. The important thing though is that you deal with each other as who you are, and not how you wish the other person would be.
  22. Well, I don't know for sure yet. I think what i'll have to do is convince the right person that it is me they want. Anyhow, here's the problem in a little more detail: First, there are laws regulating how any recruitment must be done. Even if they would want to, and i've been told that they do, they can't just hire me to a permanent position. By "they" in this case, I mean the management for my part of the organization. This is why I got an extended contract with the intention to later have a quick and smooth recruiting process. That much is possible within the law. Simultaneously, however, there's a big re-organization going on. What this means is that the guys and HQ have designed their own recruitment strategy, that effects the whole organization. I believe the purpose has, first and foremost, been to... well, frankly, clean up the inbreeding at the management level. Now, all new recruitment is going through a similar process. I have no idea why, but that's how it is. That's also why the process is incredibly strict. Now, for my part of the organization they are looking to recruit internally. Meaning, they want people to come from other parts of the organization. This is actually targeted rather specifically to certain people. That's all fine with me. There's just one little problem... when they try to target a specific group of people, it's not like they design the profile for people like me who already work there. That's what's causing me grief. First, that they can't stick to what was already agreed upon, and second because i'm pretty much left out because I already have the job... I might add that I also have the competence of the "target audience", because i've worked there as well, it's just that i'm from a different background so I don't match the profile exactly. So, in my judgement i'll have to convince some people to look past minor details and get them to see my actual competence, which I have proved over and over again. I think that if I can win over someone on our management, then i'll be fine. If they don't already know who I am they can find out quickly. However, if I have to deal with the guys brought in extarnally, my application is probably going to find it's way to the round archive. That would of course be more than just a little frustrating, considering all it would take is a phone call to random person i've worked with. Not to mention I already "have" the job. Anyway, I guess the answer to your question is; "we'll see...".
  23. Sounds like good advice, thank you! I'll take some time to think about the broader context, and reconsider my attitude. In this case I might add that going over my bosses head is the reason why I still have my job. The short version of it is like this: I'm back with an employer i've had several times in the past. I've always loved working there, and they've loved having me. However, there have been different things coming in the way of a more permanent contract - a question of timing, more than anything else. This time though, the timing was right and I made it very clear to my (new) boss that I wish to stay after my contract runs out. The answer I get from my boss is that he would love to have me stay there, but unfortunately they have deals with the union saying that they need to have a formal recruiting process, where everyone can apply for the job. The next time for that would be a few months ahead. Just before my contract ran out I learned that it wasn't quite as i've been told. And to add insult to injury they were taking in a bunch of new guys, people who are not even dry behind the ears and whos mistakes i've been fixing for months. I don't think it was out of dishonesty I got that answer from my boss, but simply because he doesn't understand the rules. There are in fact obstacles like a formal recruiting process in the way. However, they could have extended my current contract. My boss should also have talked to the guys higher up in the hierarchy, but since he failed to report they were completely taken by surprise when I talked to them and showed interest. When I found out I went straight to one of the executives and my bosses boss. The next day I had an extended contract, they put me on an additional training program and I was told that at the end of this they would have a very informal recruiting pretty much intended to get me in. I was very happy about this until I found out they changed the deal. As it looks right now they would rather take in new people than me. I don't quite fit their profile, despite the fact that i'm performing superlatively, and the first step of the recruiting process is done by external consultants who won't consider any references(i.e the fact that I have an excellent track record is not worth sh*t in their eyes). This friday I confronted my boss with this. When confronted he was cringing, couldn't look at me, and gave his standard answer whenever something important comes up; "Oh, um... i'll have to look into this, but you know I have so many things to do so I don't know when i'll have the time...". I made it very clear that I expect him to do his job and that I want answers yesterday. I don't think we will be friends anymore. It's fine with me, though I do wish things will go smooth. What i'm going to do now is to deal with the others. So far i've gotten a very positive impression of them, so i'm hoping it will be smooth and uncomplicated. I just need to be careful not to take out my frustration on them, and handle any problems calmly. I'm usually just your friendly neighbourhood spiderman. I prefer to just do my thing while being nice and friendly to others. Should conflicts arise they are usually not important enough to fight over, so in such cases I just let my disagreement be known and leave it at that. However, if it's important and someone crosses the line I charge forward and never back down. I such cases I just don't care who's in my way - it's not in me to fear anyone, and certainly not an undeserved authority. I think the problem is that i'm focusing very strictly at what I see as being at stake. This job is my highest value, i'm very proud of what i've achieved there, and it matters to me in more ways than just being a job. I've met some truly amazing people there and grown tremendously over the years, so I feel at home and at peace when i'm working. I've done other things in the past, had other jobs, and i've enjoyed them alot. But at the end of the day, all i've wished for is to get back there, grab a cup of coffee and sit down at my desk and get to work. So, when i'm facing this kind of BS, that's what I see as being at stake. Hell, it's even more than that. I have plans on going through law school while working there, and it's a perfect place to be for a law student. Not only am I dealing with legal matters every day, there are also excellent carreer opportunities there. That's why I get so upset. But as you accurately point out, what would I really get out of it? Reasoning is the best way to deal with people.
  24. Here's a topic I thought i'd never make. I'm usually calm and collected, and if I loose my temper I still keep it under control. Lately though, some events have brought me to righteous anger of biblical proportions. If I don't get a hold of myself this could in turn damage my relationships with some people. I don't wish to go into any detail about the actual events. It's too complex and rather irrelevant. In short though, because of incompetence and bureaucracy I could be loosing my job soon. Not because of anything i've done. On the contrary, i'm extremely good at what I do and appreciated by everyone I work with. However, i'm getting screwed by incompetent bosses and bureaucratic management. It's nothing personal against me, i'm just the guy taking the consequences of their mess. I love my job so this is very important to me, which is also why i'm so furious. I intend, of course, to take this as far up in the hierarchy as I have to - hopefully finding someone that can be reasoned with. To do this though, I need to keep my head clear. And hell, yesterday I was pretty much reading my boss the riot act and issuing orders. Not very diplomatic, though he's one less obstacle in my way. The problem is when dealing with others. I need to keep my head clear even if they give me trouble. But, how do I do that? I mean, hell, just thinking about some of the things makes me shake and want to rip someones head off. And that's pretty darn bad if you want someone to listen and convince them of how good you are. So, do you have any good advice to offer? How do you handle situations like this? Should I try meditation or horse tranquilizers, or what?
  25. JASKN: Good point. It's very important to take charge of things yourself, instead of just hoping someone takes notice and rewards you. It's rarely enough to just do a good job. Jorge: Hard work is not rewarded. Good work can be, but only if it gets noticed and your employer recognizes it as a value. It's often up to you to make sure they do that.
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