An Education Stimulus Package

[softwareNerd]

By softwareNerd from Software Nerd,cross-posted by MetaBlog

Washington,D.C. (Jan 25, 2007):

President Bush and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today announced a bipartisan stimulus plan to improve higher education. Announcing the initiative on the White House lawn, the president said: "This package is urgent. We must boost falling grades with an immediate stimulus. I urge Congress to act soon."

The president had suggested increasing every student's GPA by 0.2 points, but Democrats objected, saying that help should be targetted to those who need it most. "The President wanted to use the failing grades of poor students as an excuse to raise grades for the good ones", speaker Pelosi commented, "while we wanted to help those who really need the help".

The compromise plan will add 0.4 to all students with a GPA under 3.0, but will add less for students scoring better, gradually phasing out to zero for anyone with a 3.8 or above.

On the campaign trail, Senator Obama criticized the deal, as a quick-fix, saying that grades were not enough; students who do well should be made to pay more, since they are obviously getting more from the system. The amounts raised could be used to pay for extra tuition for students who are failing. "We need a plan that creates hope", said the Senator, "we need creative solutions". GOP candidate Mike Huckabee, called for more structural changes and science programs that taught Intelligent Design.

Meanwhile, most students interview were happy with the new plan. "I can definitely use the help I can get", said Mitt Koplaski, who studies economics at the University of Oregon.

My question is this: if you can tell that this is spoof, explain why, in principle.

[Hat tip: "UMassHoops", posting on "The Motley Fool", for the kernel idea.]

[exaltron]

Simply brilliant. Easily one of the best Objectivist-flavored pieces of satire I've ever read.

Edited January 30, 2008 by softwareNerd
Removed large quote-block

[fletch]

When asked to comment, Senator Clinton responded that she was co sponsoring a bill that would create universal edu-care. "In America," she said, "the quality of a child's grades should not be based upon their ability to learn."

[Qwertz]

I can tell that this is a spoof, on principle.* Congress doesn't have Constitutional authority to directly affect grades, and they wouldn't try to do so, because they know they'd get shot down. They'd go through the spending clause instead, and make Federal funding to the states contingent on raising grades.

The problem is in this paragraph:

The compromise plan will add 0.4 to all students with a GPA under 3.0, but will add less for students scoring better, gradually phasing out to zero for anyone with a 3.8 or above.

If it said this instead, it would fix the problem:

The compromise plan will withhold Federal funding from State schools that do not immediately enact programs to add 0.4 to all students with a GPA under 3.0, but will add less for students scoring better, gradually phasing out to zero for anyone with a 3.8 or above.

~Q

* - The "principles" by which I can tell it is a spoof are principles of Constitutional law, which are probably not the principles you meant.