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Getting over ex and her sex

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The problem here is that my ex was extremely attractive sexually.

I had the best sex of my life with her.

Problem was she was a single mother with a slutty history but was also very bright and a great actor because she hid her true colours from me for most the relationship. When i discovered her history i lost respect for her in the relationship. She was also a single mother at the age of 21 which caused me to have to accomodate for when she was available to do things. She was argumentative and quite nasty. Since then ive met someone else who is also attractive but she is an amazing person, ive never met someone so geniunely caring with the will to succeed and experience life.

Im really annoyed at myself and feeling quite depressed because i still masterbate to thoughts of my ex and miss having sex with her and i found her very attractive.

From reading the virtue of selfishness i know that my emotions arent in line with my values... or maybe my values are in the wrong place

Please offer some advice

Thanks

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Move on. Your mind rules your passions, not your passions your mind. Quit thinking with your private parts.

Perhaps i made it seem shallower than what i intended it to be.

I did love her and enjoy her company, she made me laugh and taught me things... but we would argue a lot and she was quite ungrateful and selfish (I was the one who put in the majority of the effort)

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Perhaps i made it seem shallower than what i intended it to be.

I did love her and enjoy her company, she made me laugh and taught me things... but we would argue a lot and she was quite ungrateful and selfish (I was the one who put in the majority of the effort)

What was she ungrateful for?

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What was she ungrateful for?

Things such as me driving over in the middle of the night to do her coursework for uni because she was very tired and stressed.

Me getting her involved in fitness (which she is an enthusiast of now) and taking her to fitness shows

I worked around her schedule with her child

I picked her up from uni to give her a lift home

I took her to new york

I even drove to her house to bring her some bbq food because i was having a bbq and she couldnt come because her kid wasn't staying with the dad that night

All these aren't selfless acts because i enjoyed doing them, but i felt like whatever i did i never felt a true thankfulness from her. Not that she's in my debt and perhaps im not explaining myself correctly but i truly enjoyed giving to her and when she gave to me she was quick to point out what she did as if i should be grateful and i owe her something while i never mentioned anything i did for her because i enjoyed doing so.

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Alright, so you're saying the relationship didn't work, and it is now over. Good. Now you should stop masturbating to thoughts of her. I happen to prefer masturbating without porn, so I know for a fact you can consciously choose what fantasy you masturbate to, or at least what not to masturbate to. Try Jessica Alba, in that movie where she plays an Asian girl who aims only to please the dashing American. (I think that's what the movie is about, but I skipped ahead a lot)

If your mind wonders to a place you don't want it to go, stop, and go back to Jessica.

It is important that you stop masturbating to your ex, because you should move on. While you're masturbating, you're fantasizing about her, and that is an obstacle you're creating, by choice. I have no idea how big an obstacle, but it is one.

[edit] I guess I wasn't very clear, so, in conclusion: there is nothing wrong with you, from what you told us, as long as now you actually do find someone else to fantasize about. Your emotions will get in line with your values, and your rational choices, but you have to do the work, which in this case isn't just the negative of not masturbating to her, but actually looking hard (hehe ... hehehehe...) and finding some other fantasy that turns you on.

Edited by Jake_Ellison
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Thanks, ill take your advice as it makes a lot of sense. Problem is porn is part of my daily routine and a deep set habit of mine to the point i feel like im missing out if i dont view it for a day or two and feel like i got to "catch up" lol. Its not an excuse it's just something i need to work on overcoming

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Thanks, ill take your advice as it makes a lot of sense. Problem is porn is part of my daily routine and a deep set habit of mine to the point i feel like im missing out if i dont view it for a day or two and feel like i got to "catch up" lol. Its not an excuse it's just something i need to work on overcoming

I wouldn't worry about it too much. I guess, if for some reason you feel guilty about watching porn, you might want to tone it down (replace very hardcore or freakish porn with softer stuff), but I don't think there's anything wrong with watching porn in general. It's more of a what kind of porn question, in my opinion (which is not based on any prominent Objectivist's opinion, just my own take on it).

You should just make sure you're comfortable with whatever you're watching, from a moral stand point, and when you're not, look for a replacement that you are comfortable with, instead of trying to act like a Buddhist monk by just banning yourself from watching porn.

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I wouldn't worry about it too much. I guess, if for some reason you feel guilty about watching porn, you might want to tone it down (replace very hardcore or freakish porn with softer stuff), but I don't think there's anything wrong with watching porn in general. It's more of a what kind of porn question, in my opinion (which is not based on any prominent Objectivist's opinion, just my own take on it).

You should just make sure you're comfortable with whatever you're watching, from a moral stand point, and when you're not, look for a replacement that you are comfortable with, instead of trying to act like a Buddhist monk by just banning yourself from watching porn.

I thought about what you said and it spurred this question: Is it immoral to masturbate to someone degrading themselves (a pornstar)? Because while she does it for a living she is still serving for her own self destruction (perhaps)? is it not moral to jerk off to someone who you percieve to be of value like you said... jessica alba (healthy looking and successful)?

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I thought about what you said and it spurred this question: Is it immoral to masturbate to someone degrading themselves (a pornstar)?

You don't know for certain that they're degrading themselves. Not that this makes it a fabulous activity, but sexuality is so complicated that I'm not sure anyone is qualified to answer this question definitively. If they claim they are, this is a very good sign that you should ignore anything they have to say on the subject. Instead, what you need to examine is the role of porn in *your own life*. Let the porn stars worry about themselves. Introspect as to what emotions you're feeling and try to determine why when you enjoy porn. Don't load yourself down with guilt, as this will only drive you to crave porn more. If you genuinely come to the conclusion that the porn is a bad thing, do what Jake said and start seeking out OTHER avenues to satisfy your desires. Novelty alone can make them more fun and you'll be able to drop the stuff you've decided is bad without strain.

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Not that I'm a sexpert or anything like that, but two things come to mind: 1) You haven't really said anything bad about her, except that she took advantage of your kindness; and 2) if she is so awful, why continue to have fantasies about her?

There seems to be some sort of mismatch going on here. Maybe you need to re-assess what you thought was so bad about her that led to the break-up. I'm not saying get back together with her, but what was there in her being with you besides the sex? and if there wasn't anything else, why did you want to have sex with her? Attractiveness is all fine and good, but is that enough, unless you can fill in the details by watching pornography. Doing that kind of fantasizing with a real girl has to lead to trouble,as sooner or later the real her will be found out (as you have discovered). Personally, I don't understand this drive to have sex with someone who is physically beautiful but does not live up to your standards, though these may be changing as you seem new to Objectivism. Is it an issue of being turned on by slutty women? Do you want "just sex" with no personality there and no mutual values? You said she was acting, but acting as what -- a sexy plaything? If you haven't read Atlas Shrugged yet, I would recommend it and focus on the problems of Hank Rearden; and Francisco's money / sex speech. I've joined a dating service, and there are lots of women I am initially attracted to, but I am looking for more, so they don't turn me on in that manner unless I can get to know them better and they match my values type.

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Or maybe you could stop living in this ridiculous delusion and realize that it's normal to fantasize about an attractive woman you've previously had sex with. What's bothering you isn't the fact that you're doing that, it's the fact that Objectivism tells you it's wrong to do that. Bottom line-- pursue a new girlfriend and your 'issue' will go away with time. In the meantime, what is most harmful is this artificial sense of guilt.

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To reply to Thomas it was more than sex, she made me laugh, and i found her stimulating intellectually... but she would also be disrespectful and i would always question her morals because of friends she kept and her past. She was jealous and suspicious too, im really confused at the moment, perhaps ill post again in this thread when I'm in a better state of mind. I seem to be caught up and hung up on something/someone who was unhealthy for me.

Edited by Matt
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I think im idealizing her too much right...
It's probably not uncommon for negative emotions to fade. I figure that's what is behind the notion that "distance makes the heart grow fonder". I figure that's what causes many people to return to ex-es with and yet be in a battle with them before a week is out.
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From reading the virtue of selfishness i know that my emotions arent in line with my values... or maybe my values are in the wrong place

Thanks

I think your problem is you apparently still value your ex even though you consciously don't want to, thus masturbate and long for her. What you need to do is change how you view the situation. Either you left her for the wrong reasons and you actually still have a valid desire for her, or there is no reason to still desire her and you need to recognize reality.

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All these aren't selfless acts because i enjoyed doing them, but i felt like whatever i did i never felt a true thankfulness from her.

Sounds like she had you on her leash. She probably thought that she already invested a lot into the relationship (her appearance). You encouraged her in that belief.

Next time be more selfish.

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she closed the door on rekindling a romance when i found out after we broke up she'd been getting drunk and got lifts home from strange guys, i could of forgave that but the most recent time she got very drunk and went home with a friend and two guys they just met. she ended up getting robbed by one of the guys and hinted to me he wanted to have sex with her before she fell asleep... she sed she took morning after pill just incase but doesnt recall having sex with him although she felt dirty...

i couldnt be with her now

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she closed the door on rekindling a romance when i found out after we broke up she'd been getting drunk and got lifts home from strange guys, i could of forgave that but the most recent time she got very drunk and went home with a friend and two guys they just met. she ended up getting robbed by one of the guys and hinted to me he wanted to have sex with her before she fell asleep... she sed she took morning after pill just incase but doesnt recall having sex with him although she felt dirty...

i couldnt be with her now

Dude, she clearly can't be trusted and she doesn't value herself if she put herself in such ridiculous situations.

As harsh as it may sound, there's nothing to gain anymore with being with her but I think you realise that.

You may find that with time(as cliche as that sounds) you will probably start to think of her less and less. Just give it a while and try to concentrate on other things. Also try to spend time with other people (friends, family) that have a positive influence on your life.

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Yea you're right, when we broke up she got in contact with people from her past and started going to nightclubs and parties a lot.... i feel a bit foolish as i knew when i met her i should stay away, but i fell in love and this is the result. As i mentioned i have a girlfriend now who loves me very much and is a good natured girl. It's the thoughts of my ex and my libido and confusion over the love i felt and good times i shared with her, we experienced good times on holidays and such... all for it to be thrown away and me to be disrespected. Anyways, ill get my mind straight soon enough

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What's bothering you isn't the fact that you're doing that, it's the fact that Objectivism tells you it's wrong to do that.

It does?

Objectivism prescribes no particular sexual practices apart from what Dr. Peikoff quoted Ayn Rand as saying in OPAR: "It says that sex is good." It is up to each individual to examine their situation and the role of sex in their own lives and introspect to discover the psychological repercussions of their practices. If you conclude, from evidence, that a given practice is destructive, then you should want to stop it if your interest is in furthering your own life.

I would find it unpleasant and self-destructive to be yoked to a desire for pornography and fantasies about old flings just as I find it absurd that I'm afraid to ride the bus (and I am!). So I work to counter that dread and get on with my life.

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I would find it unpleasant and self-destructive to be yoked to a desire for pornography and fantasies about old flings just as I find it absurd that I'm afraid to ride the bus (and I am!). So I work to counter that dread and get on with my life.

I hope you figure out what is going on with you and buses, but I would say pornography is only a problem if it leads one to not seek real sex with a real partner -- if it becomes an obsession. Otherwise, one ought to enjoy one's sexual fantasies fully. There is such a thing as sex addiction -- with or without pornography -- so keep in mind that sex isn't everything there is to seek in life, though it is definitely a very big plus of being human.

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The bus thing is just part of my overall permanent generalized anxiety. I have to deal with the same problem whenever it's necessary for me to do ANYTHING new. And I'm aware that there's no such thing as sex "addiction", but it is possible to develop a porn *habit* and (as the OP says) feel twitchy or annoyed if you don't get your porn fix for the day. But you can just as easily develop a chocolate or coffee or nasal spray habit, too. (I have a shower habit, I don't feel awake in the morning until I've had a shower.) I just think developing a habit of this kind is a bad idea because it's silly to dwell on the availability of coffee or porn.

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