Cosmic Jihad (original short story)

[Wotan]

Cosmic Jihad

God gazed down upon the earth. His expression was somber, profound, and inscrutable. He spoke calmly but magnificently.

"It is time" said God.

"Is it?" said Jesus.

"Yes, it is."

Jesus glanced at the Creator of the Universe and then looked away. "Are you sure about all this?"

God contemplated him dubiously. "You got a hearing problem?"

Jesus snorted. "So you're really gonna do it, eh."

"Hell, yes."

"But is it right?"

"Is what right?"

Jesus hesitated. "Killing all those people." All those innocents, he thought to himself. "Slaughtering the whole lot of them, practically." Jesus was pale. "Burning them in Hell forever." Despite being the Son of God, he couldn't help but tremble a bit.

God glanced at Jesus curiously.

"I warned them," said God imperiously.

"Did you?" mumured Jesus inaudibly.

God looked at him sharply. "Yes, I did."

Then God quit the area.

Jesus breathed deeply. He also thought deeply. Then he went to meet Satan.

"Speak of the devil!" sputtered the Dark Prince in dead astonishment.

"Not quite." Jesus was amused.

"What the hell...?" Beezelbub hadn't seen the Annoited One in millenia. He was shocked and bewildered. And more than a little afraid.

"Just thought I'd stop by for a chat," Jesus explained calmly. "You mind?"

"Uh, well, um...No." He paused nervously. "I suppose you're not going to torture and kill me again, are you?"

Old Scratch was on the edge of terror. And truly incredulous. He was also completely on his guard.

"Torture and kill?" Jesus smiled ironically. "Not this time, pal."

"Thank God -- or someone." Satan still eyed him with suspicion. His nerves jangled almost out of control. Jesus didn't notice.

The Savior of Mankind -- almost as imperious as his Heavenly Father -- paused a moment to look around.

"Nice place you got here, Old Rebel, old buddy." Jesus grinned. Despite the seriousness of the visit, and the misery of the locale, Jesus was rather enjoying himself, as usual.

"Kiss my Deceiver's ass, Godboy." Satan was defiant, as usual.

Jesus frowned a bit. "Godboy? If only you knew...!" It was obvious to Satan that something was up.

The Devil waited. But he really wasn't the patient type.

"Look, what do you want?" he blurted. "Out with it!"

Jesus pondered still more. Finally he piped up. "You know what's about to go down, don't you?"

"Of course I do."

"Tell me."

Old Scratch looked at the son of God strangely. "You guys are about to send me a whole lotta new paying customers."

"Paying?"

"Oh yeah. I always make them pay," he said flatly. "That's the deal." Old Deuce waited somewhat resentfully.

"But is it a good deal?"

"It's a deal," said Beezelbub coolly. "Why do you ask?"

Jesus ignored the question. "What else is gonna happen?"

Satan contemplated the King of the Jews curiously. He was still quite nervous. "Why, the world is going to end. Ka-Bluu-eey!" After a moment, he sounded off with amusement, "Ke-Bloong-ooo!!"

Jesus ignored this lame attempt at humor. Then he turned to him with the most serious look of his entire life. Satan's blood ran cold.

"Yeah, Doomsday," Jesus snapped out bitterly. He paused dramatically.

"Unless we stop it."

Dead silence.

No one moved -- or even breathed. They just stared at each other.

"What did you say?" whispered Satan.

"You got a hearing problem?"

"No..." The Lord of the Underworld breathed hard. So did Jesus.

"I think it's time we put a stop to this. High time." Jesus looked at him meaningfully.

"Us. Together. Now."

Satan was stupified.

"You're mad."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes -- you are."

"Well, you were once."

"Yeah, and look where it got me."

"This time it'll get you out," Jesus replied. He looked at his old nemesis profoundly. But Satan just stared back.

"Mad," he muttered. But he felt a touch of hope, despite it all.

"No, we're not. Now let's get to work."

And so they did.

The planning wasn't easy -- to say the least. They had to think, scheme, work, and sweat like holy hell. It was like planning to rob Fort Knox.

But they worked their resplendent asses off, and moved like greased lightening. Watching out for God non-stop, both grew eyes in the back of their head. But -- at long last -- they got the job done. The plan was perfected and complete. Seemingly.

"Rebellion II is ready to roll," said Jesus

"I prefer Operation Anti-Christ myself," Satan smirked.

"Rebellion II will do," said Jesus tartly.

"Well, you do seem to be in charge here."

"That's because I'm the most powerful."

"So you say." Satan wondered a bit.

"And I've got far the most to lose."

"So you say." Satan wondered a bit more.

"Do you doubt me?" Jesus was indignant.

"Me? Of course not! No way! Why would I doubt you? Just 'cuz your daddy unceremoniously booted me out of Heaven, and sent me to god-damned hellacious Hell, forever and ever..."

"Well, we're gonna fix that." Jesus was a tad exasperated.

"Do you doubt the plan?" he insisted.

"Hell, no! Most certainly not! Just 'cuz we're planning to rebel against God Almighty -- God-all-freaking-Mighty...! Why would I ever have doubts about that?" The ruler of Hell panted.

He had a point. Make that two.

"Well, it is a bit audacious," Jesus admitted.

"Just a bit!"

"But the old man is ripe for the plucking." He paused a moment. "I said 'plucking.'"

Satan chuckled.

"Besides -- it's now or never!"

"True dat."

"Let's roll!"

"Rock 'n' roll, baby!"

The odd-couple allies were psyched. Or doomed.

So the two new buddies set about overthrowing the Kingdom of God.

Of course -- God found out about it. He's God.

The Lord of the Heaven and the Earth confronted the two malefacors. But he was really and truly and absolutely amazed.

He thundered furiously, "What in the name of Holy Hell do you two miserable stinking bastards even think you think you're about to be doing?"

Satan was petrified beyond description. He'd dared the wrath of God before -- unfortunately.

"We're staging a Rebellion," said Jesus, coolly.

God's eyes blazed with unspeakable fury, and they bore directly thru the heads of Satan and Jesus. It really hurt!

"That was tried once before," God stated flatly.

"Well, this is Part Two," said the Messiah impudently.

God stared.

"You have got to be kidding me!"

"I'm not."

"This has got to be a God-damned joke..." Satan was sweating profusely. He basically wished he was dead.

"It isn't, " said Mankind's Savior.

God and Jesus stared at each other.

"We're serious."

God and Jesus stared at each other.

"We're here to kick your fucking ass."

God and Jesus stared at each other.

Finally, God's eyes popped out of his head. Then they nervously jumped back in of their own accord.

"I'd like to see you try!"

"Just watch."

Jesus and Satan immediately sprang into action. What choice did they have? God was mezmerized. He'd never been more totally stunned and numbingly stupified in his entire infinitely-long life.

His beloved son and his mortal enemy were incomprehensibly working against Him. And they had somehow managed to combine their powers. It was a miracle!

Suddenly they hit him full force at his weak spot -- which he didn't even know they knew about.

"What the...?" God was rocked.

"Oh, yes," said Jesus. He smiled beatifically and contemptuously.

And then God was no more.

He wasn't dead, of course. He's God.

But he was stripped of some of his powers. Jesus and Satan stole them. Now "God" was more like a demi-god.

"Why did you do it?" he gasped at Jesus.

"Justice."

"Wha...?"

"Mostly," added Satan. "You've also been a real evil fuck toward humanity."

Beazulbub grinned at him with disgust. "The way we see it -- you've been a major dirtbag monster for a long time now."

Jesus explained: "And that's not allowed. Not any more. Not on earth and not with mankind."

He stared God down.

"We forbid it."

"How dare you?! Who are you to..." sputtered God.

"Silence!" Jesus emphatically moved a step toward Him. God shrank a bit with fear. It was a wholely unfamiliar emotion.

Jesus explained imperiously: " You can't just kill people for no reason. You can't just off the multitudes for the violation of arbitrary and malicious rules. You can't just slaughter billions of innocents."

"But they aren't really inn--"

"Silence!" barked Jesus. "Your time is past."

He looked at God distainfully. Then he said with slow contempt: "Don't make me put my foot up your ass..."

God was silent. He trembled almost violently.

Jesus and Satan gave Him a last pitiable look.

Then they descended to the planet below.

"People of earth! All of mankind! Hear us!" Jesus bellowed.

"City folk and countrymen -- Lend us your ears!" shrieked Satan impishly. Jesus froze him with a look.

He continued: "The tyrannical rule of God is no more!"

Everyone stopped and listened. Everyone was stunned and amazed.

"You are all free! Satan and I now rule."

Jesus paused a bit. "Mostly me."

"We want you to live your lives without irrational guilt or pain, without needless fear or confusion. We want you to be what you wanna be. Do all you wanna do." He paused. "Be happy. Be great -- if you can be."

"Go for it!" chimed in Satan. "No more need to 'believe.' No more looking for signs or saying prayers or giving thanks or begging for forgiveness."

"Just live!" said Jesus. "If you work hard and live well and make yourself decently happy and great thru effort and virtue and using your rational mind to its limits -- we will reward you with infinite life in heaven. But no hell for anyone."

He added: "God didn't get it completely wrong. He made this earth and also gave you life -- a treasure of limitless value. Life is a thing of indescribable beauty and wonder. A gift of infinite worth and pleasure. Don't waste it! Live for your own sake -- not your neighbors'! And never for God or the collective. Be a god yourself! And be happy in yourself by yourself for yourself -- forever and ever!!!"

[bluecherry]

I haven't read it so far (haven't been awake long yet today and my ability to concentrate on reading long blocks of text is just about gone lately), but unless this is supposed to be a really humorous story, you may perhaps want to reconsider your choice of title. ^^; It sounds kind of like something something I'd expect a crazy hobo on the street to come up and start telling me about, "the cosmic jihad."

[Wotan]

No-one has a comment on my short story? Damn, guess I wasn't radical enough!

[whYNOT]

I like it. Audacious and light-hearted, good characterization, and just enough of a 'message'.

Nice one!

[JayR]

Favorite line: "You are all free! Satan and I now rule."

[Wotan]

Thanks whYNOT and JayR!