Feeling Of Numbness

[Spinnach]

This past weekend, my boyfriend of almost 3 years and I went to a Catholic wedding of a very close friend of mine. He is Catholic as well, but mostly in name only. At the reception, two issues that have plagued us came up again: one being that he wanted to marry someone that would go to church with him when he was old and second, that I was not willing to find a job in the same town after we graduate in the spring (ie. I am not willing to follow him).

The long and short of it is, we broke up and are trying to remain friends. My roommate (I am hesitant at this moment to call her a friend, based on her advice to me) has been close to both of us and told me frankly, "That it was a stupid reason to break up." She went on to say that all relationships were sacrifices and all that other crap, when I told her that I shouldn't have to give up my future to be miserable.

She then asked how I was feeling, to which I had to say, "Nothing. I don't feel anything at all."

It might also be due to the fact that my current job is a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense that I absolutely despise. So I guess the whole story is that I'm completely numb of everything that's going on around me, although I did have a brief mental breakdown last evening and couldn't move the entire night.

Why don't I feel anything at all? (I have asked myself that, however there was no clear answer. Perhaps more introspection is needed.) Is there a way to just start feeling again? (Man, I feel like I'm in the movie Equilibrium.)

Mods: Feel free to move this if necessary.

[Bold Standard]

So many possible answers to this question!

It could be your mind's method of temporarily coping with loss, stress, and change.

It could be deep, long term repression of painful emotions has impaired your ability to experience any emotion.

It could be that you built up anxiety of pain you expected to feel if a break should occur, while you were with him, but in fact, the end of the relationship is not as devastating a loss to you as you had anticipated. Thus it "seems" like you should be feeling pain, when in fact, you don't care. Maybe your values have changed, and you haven't readjusted your subconscious expectations of your emotions accordingly.

Maybe you can find helpful information here.

So why do you expect that you should feel anything? Do you find that your emotions regarding all areas of your life have diminished, or only those related to your relationship or relationships in general?

She then asked how I was feeling, to which I had to say, "Nothing.  I don't feel anything at all."

Why don't I feel anything at all?  (I have asked myself that, however there was no clear answer.  Perhaps more introspection is needed.)  Is there a way to just start feeling again?  (Man, I feel like I'm in the movie Equilibrium.) 

Mods:  Feel free to move this if necessary.

[Spinnach]

So why do you expect that you should feel anything?  Do you find that your emotions regarding all areas of your life have diminished, or only those related to your relationship or relationships in general?

I would expect to feel something because I still care for him! I just know that with our current values, this is impossible for the long term. But the feeling is also through all aspects of my life. Things that used to make me happy (like writing, etc.) don't "do it", for lack of a better phrase.

[Thales]

I would expect to feel something because I still care for him!  I just know that with our current values, this is impossible for the long term.  But the feeling is also through all aspects of my life.  Things that used to make me happy (like writing, etc.) don't "do it", for lack of a better phrase.

I'm no expert, but I can tell you from experience that this is normal. If you lose a high value, you will likely be depressed for a while, but things will slowly get back to normal so that you regain pleasure in doing the things you normally do.

You just have to get through it for the moment. Try focusing on other things in the mean time.

[Nxixcxk]

Why don't I feel anything at all?

My guess is that you are extremely stressed out and one of your mechanisms for coping with stress is to mentally shut down and feel "numb." I think I have experienced something similar to what you've described, and I believe it occurred b/c I was joggling too many things in my mind at once--instead of writing down important dates/deadlines/times I tried to remember all of them at once...big mistake ; nevertheless, it was mentally and thus physically overwhelming. For the next couple of days I felt "numb" and not embodied--it was the most annoying feeling ever. (heh, I remember thinking to myself, so this is what nihilism is)

My top de-stressors are: Exercising till heavily fatigued, followed by meditation, then getting a good night's rest.

Anyhow, it will be interesting to see how long this feeling lasts for...I would guess a couple of days or so, but I don't really know.

Hope all goes well.

Nick

[Dufresne]

My top de-stressors are:  Exercising till heavily fatigued, followed by meditation, then getting a good night's rest.

I'm curious, how do you meditate? What effects does it have on you?

[Nxixcxk]

I'm curious, how do you meditate? What effects does it have on you?

I've tried many different "methods" of meditation, and right now I just kind of do my own thing.

(nor do I really understand what meditation is, since I've never been offered a good definition of it and I didn't create it, so )

Regardless, whatever it is I am doing, it brings me enjoyment. After working out vigorously--so vigorously that when I powerfully inhale I get that sensation of drowning (b/c of so much sweat coming into my nose), I slowly allow my hearbeat to decrease and then find a spot near the stream where the stream is quite audible. I then close my eyes and do a quick check in, where I focus my awareness on many aspects of my body and see how they are feeling (usually everything feels fine since those endorphines or whatever they are called are flowing throughout my body).

Then, for about 2minutes or so, I inhale for 4-6 secs, hold inhalation for 4-6 secs, then exhale 4-6secs. My mind simply focuses on counting 1..2..3..4..5..6.. etc while I do this. Then after 2 minutes I try to think of nothing. THen after that I go to my "special place" (laugh if you want), which is a huge cave in a jungle, and I meet myselves when I was younger, at ages 4 and 14. We discuss things and go on adventures and talk about life and what have you...it's a lot of fun. (I know it sounds weird as hell, and if I was reading this I would probably think whoever was writing it was a quack--and maybe I am, but oh well). And this probably goes on for 10-15minutes, sometimes longer if it gets interesting.

P.S. I think the working out prior to the meditation is helpful in terms of letting thoughts go and not monomaniacally focusing on errands or chores one has to do in the coming hours.

[Bold Standard]

I still care for him!

So you do feel something...

[orangesiscool]

Can you define how you care for/about him?

(I will resist the urge to make a bad joke about spinach)

[source]

She then asked how I was feeling, to which I had to say, "Nothing.  I don't feel anything at all."

When I introduced myself to Objectivism and when I began studying it seriously, I too was often surprised to find that my emotions were practically gone. I could remain cold-blooded to anything. If you have only recently began studying Objectivism, I may have an answer for you.

If you have read the part of OPAR concerning how you program your emotions consciously, you will know that it is possible to consciously change what you feel in certain situations. This, however, takes time. It will not work immediately, you will gradually need to change your emotional response. Objectivism will make you change many of your emotional responses, depending of course on what your background is. So it is my theory that while this is hapenning, you may be going through a period of this "emotional numbness" when you are trying to change a lot and in little time, so your response to certain situations is somewhere in the middle - neither what you would feel before, nor what you think you should feel.

However, it is a curious question: if you think should feel something in this situation about your loss, this implies that you think that you have lost something of value, in which case you should not have broken up with your boyfriend in the first place. You say that you are trying to remain friends. Maybe it is because of this that you feel nothing? Perhaps the value you saw in him was not worthy of love, but only of friendship?

One way you can establish whether or not you should feel anything is try to think about what values your ex-boyfriend represented for you. Then ask yourself if you can access these values when you are bonded with him only through friendship.

[Schefflera Arboricola]

Well, I have an idea. It's not about why you feel numb, though, but why I might feel numb if I were in the same situation.

I would like the idea of being free to pursue a relationship with someone whose long-term interests and goals were more closely aligned with my own. But I would also feel guilty over that, because I'm "supposed" to feel sad over a breakup, and because I would blame myself for making the decisions that put me in this situation in the first place. Also, I'd feel guilty if I were at all happy while my ex (who still is a valuable person to me, or so I tell myself) was presumably heartbroken.

So instead of being happy, I'd tell myself I was feeling nothing.

--Schefflera