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Sorry if this is not the correct place to post something like this--if there is such a place. I figured that the people here would be able to give me feedback as good as anywhere else, and I would really appreciate input on my situation from a third party.

My parents are divorced, both re-married, and there has always been a lot of tension between my parents and step-parents, making it difficult to discuss anything with one of them concerning the other party. My brother and sister go to a boarding school in Germany, about 30 minutes away from my father and step-mother's house, but until last year lived with my father at his home. I am at school and visit both my mother and father on occasion.

Basically, my step-mother tends to make a big deal out of smallest things. In addition, she thinks she is always right, and tends to use anything she can to win an argument, for example the fact that she is older than I am.

I was talking to my sister, who's 14, online, and told her she should give my mom a call because it had been a while since they'd talked and thought my mom would appreciate it. My sister said that she couldn't because my dad was using the phone and she was going to bed soon. I told her to wait a little longer, and then the subject changed.

To make a long story short, my step mom wrote me an email saying that I shouldn't try to force my sister to stay in touch with my mother (a poorly founded, untrue accusation), and basically that I needed to respect the wishes of others. I explained why I didn't think I had done anything wrong, and she emailed me back basically lecturing me on how I was insulting her and them. I told her she couldn't change my mind by using second hand opinions as a form of proving how I did the wrong thing, and she responded by saying that we shouldn't talk to eachother anymore.

Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but the moment I stop allowing her arrogant, hypocritcal, insulting lectures to wash right over me, I'm suddenly too disrespectful to talk to.

I wouldn't really care about this that much, expect for the fact that my father is very sensitive to the suggestion of my step-mother. I really respect my father, and we have never had any problems with eachother. That is why I've tried so hard to remain indifferent to my step mothers ridiculous accusations and insults toward me. The one thing I don't like about my father is how he sometimes lets my step-mother walk over him and tell him how to act and think. One time, my brother asked if he could eat a sandwich, and my father said ok, but when my step-mother saw him eating it, she told my father to make him throw it away (close to dinner), and he did so without questioning her. I use this example only to describe the kind of subordination she has put him in. If she tells him that I have problems, my father will most likely agree and it will be hard to talk him out of it without an apology to my step-mother and admittance that I was wrong.

Basically, I want to keep at bay the detrimental effects she can have on my relationship with my father, without having to subordinate myself to her and allow her to freely assault my character. What do I do? My uncle, a very well tempered, and very smart man told me himself, after hearing about one of my conversations with her, that if it were him in my place he would have been outraged at some of the things she said to me. I can keep my cool as long as well as anyone, but I don't know if I should. It might simply be easiest to continue to ignore her as much as possible without allowing her to interfere between my father and me.

Any comments or suggestions would be very appreciated. I've attached the series of emails in case anyone wants to read them. If this were one event by itself, I wouldn't normally make such a big deal out of it. But things like this have happened many many times in the past, until it has escalated to this, and writing about it helps me straighten my thoughts out at the very least. I just want to figure out a solution and be done with it. Unfortunately she will not listen to any logical solution that involves her admitting she's in any way wrong. I admit some of the things I said were a little crude, but honestly, she had them coming and I had reason behind saying them.

To her credit, any grammer/spelling mistakes are probably due to the fact that she is Belgian, so English isn't her first language. The emails start at the bottom with hers, and go up from there.

emails.doc

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tnunamak, I am so sorry you are in this situation. First let me say that, because I know what it is like and it is pretty hard to navigate through at times. My mother and father split when I was 12 and both sides told my sister and I untrue things about the other. We are still sorting through the lies.

In any case, everything I tell you will just be advice, so please take it with a grain of salt.

It seems like your stepmom is a control freak. That is not your problem. Don't let her (I don't know how to phrase it) "weirdness" rub off on you and give you stress. If a problem comes up talk to her rationally, if she won't listen to reason then tell her calmly that you would rather discuss the matter with your father. Never let her get between you and your sister or you and your mother. They were there long before she was and they will always be your family. Don't let a wedge be driven between the ones you love by an idiot. Don't be afraid or ashamed to talk about both sides of your family with both sides of your family. I'm not saying you should bring it up to irk anyone, just that you should not feel bad about speaking of your mother with your father or vice versa. You may want to discuss this with your father, that you feel your stepmom is being irrational and is becoming hard to deal with, so that he will understand where you are coming from if a problem does arise. As long as you use reason you will be able to come out of this unscathed. People like to create unnecessary drama in their lives, don't help them.

Hope that helped.

--edited to add a few extra sentences--

Edited by FaSheezy
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Well, the first thing to do would be to ask yourself some questions:

1. What do I want to accomplish here?

2. Why?

3. What are my options for accomplishing it?

It sounds like the answer to #1 is that you want to remain in contact with your father; #2 being that you respect and care for him.

So what are your options for #3?

a. Kowtow to your mother-in-law (not acceptable)

b. something else

I can think of a few suggestions for b: First, email your father and inform him that you are hurt and feel demeaned by your mother-in-law's stance, and you do not think that you can apologize because you don't think you were wrong.

You can also give the apology that isn't an apology: "I'm sorry you misunderstood me."

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Having read the emails that you attached, I have a few questions:

1) Is your sister actually hesitant to call your mother? If so, do you have any idea why?

2) Is your stepmom correct in saying that your mother has had ample opportunity and means to call them but has done so only a few times in the last two years?

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Tnunamak,

This is a very difficult issue and I definitely don't know a solution to the problem but I hope you find the following helpful -

1) I agree with you that this issue is trivial. It's unfortunate that you have to waste time thinking about such things. Also, if you choose to you do have the right to be the "intermediary" between your mother and siblings and I don't see how your stepmother has a right to complain even if that had really been your intention. That's between you and your sister and your sister is adult enough to deal with you by herself without any input from anyone else. (She is a "young adult")

2) It's true that your step mother is being irrational. That's probably because she feels insecure - about her place in your sister’s life and in your brother’s life and perhaps in your father’s life. While you cannot "bend over backwards" to accommodate her insecurity, it'll probably be to your advantage to make some allowance for it.

3) It's ironic that your step mother claims that she treats your brother and sister like "young adults" on the one hand while on the other hand thinks that your sister telephoned your mother simply because you told her to (instead of because she wanted to) and tries to "protect" them from your influence. (As if they are small children in need of such protection.)

4) There is one instance (at least) where a misunderstanding occurred due to the fact that your level of intelligence is higher compared to most people. When you said that your step mom is relying on faulty/subjective information by relying completely on what your sister said to determine that you "made" her call your mom and that you "cannot accept a teenager’s interpretation of a conversation as a fact", I'm sure you didn't mean that as an attack on your sister or brother. I think you simply meant to say that it isn't fair to come to conclusions about something you had done or said without taking into consideration your side of the story and without taking into consideration the possibility that your sister (or brother) might have misunderstood what you said.

Unfortunately you expressed yourself in a somewhat abstract and conceptual manner which was probably not within your step mom’s capacity to grasp. (I don't mean that as an insult to her. I am not saying she is stupid, I am just saying that she is probably not as intelligent as you are.)

When you say that you "cannot accept a teenagers interpretation of a conversation as a fact" you mean precisely what you say. ("Interpreting" something "wrongly" simply means that the person hasn't understood you. In effect you are saying that it is a misunderstanding.)

But how would someone who hasn't leant to use words and concepts with a high degree of precision comprehend that? Do you think that the precise definition of the word "interpret" will be at the back of their mind? I don't think so. It's likely that they’ll consider it an indirect attack on the competence and truthfulness of your brother/sister!

(Maybe the fact that English is not your stepmother’s first language was also a factor)

This misunderstanding on the part of your stepmother probably made you very angry and that showed through in the next email you wrote to her. That in turn made your step mom think that you don't have any respect for adults.

5) From what you say I am not so sure that your father is as "submissive" as you think he is. Maybe he is just being tactful. And given how insecure your step mom is, he probably has reason to be. For example, in the sandwich example you gave if your dad had not done what your step mom asked him to do, she might have blown it out of proportion and started a fight. It's much easier for your dad to ask your brother to throw away the sandwich than to start a fight with your step mom. And given the negative atmosphere any argument between your step mom and dad would cause, that's probably in the best interest of your brother too!

Maybe he makes you apologize to your step mom for the same reason. Maybe it isn't necessarily because he thinks she is right and you are wrong but because he thinks that the best "solution" for the problem would be for you to apologize regardless of who is right or wrong.

6) I think you (probably) became extremely angry at your step mom for suggesting that your mother doesn't have much of an interest in keeping in touch with your brother and sister and for blaming your mother for the fact that your siblings are in boarding school. That anger probably showed through in your second email and that in turn probably made your step mom think that you are rude.

I don't think it is right for your step mom to be critical of your mother to you. (Regardless of whether what she is saying is true or false) She is acting very immature in this instance.

My suggestions -

Don't talk to your stepmother about things that she has no right interfering in, like things that are strictly between you and your brother and sister. Don't try to justify yourself on such matters because firstly your not obliged to do so and secondly, given how irrational she is on certain issues it would be pointless anyway.

On the other hand don't be "rude". Don't tell her "I am not talking about this to you because it is between me and my sister". (She’ll take that as being rudeness to an adult and as a way of questioning her place in the family.) Just listen to whatever she says and don't answer anything. (Think of it as putting up with a lousy boss!!!)

If she writes an email to you about such a matter, don't send a reply. After some time write her an email about other things in life as if you never read the email she sent you.

The precise method you should use to deal with such situations will not be as simple as the way I described above, but I hope you get the idea. Don't explain things when you know it'll be counter productive to do so, be tactful to a reasonable extent, keep in mind that she is probably insecure and make reasonable allowances for that etc.

It will probably be in your best interest if you do whatever she tells you whenever you visit your dad. This probably wouldn't be that difficult because you don't stay there permanently.

As a way of patching things up, I think it is a good idea to just “apologize” without really apologizing as suggested by JMeganSnow. You can say something like “I am sorry that you were hurt by the things I said”.

Hope you can find a way to be on friendly terms with your step mom.

All the best.

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Interesting. Unless something changes, you have to assume papa's not going to intervene in between you and your stepmom. You're going to have to deal with her.

So this is my suggestion, straight from the d'Anconia Conflict Resolution Center. :lol:

Your best bet here is to be crafty. :ninja: You have to make her not have any grounds to argue. How?

1) You need to bear one phrase in mind: "Why?" Don't explain to her why your actions weren't wrong. Ask her what you did wrong. She'll reply, or evade.

Suppose in this case, she says you're disrespecting your parents and her. Ask her if she doesn't want you to call your mother. If she says "yes," that's one step toward proving she's a nut, gather more. :ninja: Even poppa can't ignore a wealth of evidence (hopefully!) If she says "no," then ask her again how you're disrespecting anyone. And if she evades, that's evidence that's she's telling you to do stuff without any reason, gather more. The whole point isn't to play mind games with someone you don't like (though the d'Anconia school doesn't condemn it :whistle:) the goal here is to get her, or your father, to realize she's enforcing things that are silly at best, harmful at worst.

2) Be polite, ask questions in an "innocent" manner. If she can honestly and convincingly say you're being "smart" or disrespectful to her, she has some wiggle room. Don't give it to her. I'm not saying play dumb, but at least act like you believe she knows something you don't. Make her tell it to you, and let that rationale she gives you stand on its own two feet. Get that Oscar, baby! B)

If you can get her to regularly evade explaining herself or saying things she can't defend, at the worst, she's only going to deal with you when she has to (and you won't even have done anything wrong! :) ) She won't bother you with stupid stuff, because she knows what logical beatdown will result. Disclaimer :warn: you have to have your A game for this to work!

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Thanks for all the helpful responses, I would have gotten back to this sooner, but I'm still adjusting to taking 18 hours of classes and working 20 hours a week and free time is a rarity. I'm currently at work :).

You guys seem to see a situation (or at least this one) for what it is, and asking for advice here has proved to be a good idea. I really do appreciate it.

I think I'm going to do what JMeganSnow and shakthig suggested, try to return the situation to how it was by offering a fake, superficial apology to keep her at bay so that things can be as normal as possible between my father and me.

FaSheezy:

I would talk to my father but I think he will try to remain pretty neutral, until my step mom finds out that I've gotten him involved, in which case she will put all kinds of pressure on him to make me the bad guy. The only thing is that she might put a kind of unspoken embargo on communication between myself and either of them. It will just be harder for me to get along well with my dad.

JMeganSnow:

You pretty much answered your questions how I would.

You can also give the apology that isn't an apology: "I'm sorry you misunderstood me."
I'm thinking this might be my best option.

softwareNerd:

1) Is your sister actually hesitant to call your mother? If so, do you have any idea why?

Possibly. Honestly I've been pretty out of touch with her, I'm in Texas and she's in Germany. I only talk to her once every few months, when she gets online when she's home from boarding school, and she doesn't seem like she has much to say, especially about stuff like this.

If she is hesitant, it's probably because of all the pressure that has been put on her from my stepmother, especially since my mom <apparently> has a lot of trouble communicating with her so there is nothing to counteract any false or negative accusations.

2) Is your stepmom correct in saying that your mother has had ample opportunity and means to call them but has done so only a few times in the last two years?

My mom claims that she is never contacted about things like phone numbers, addresses, locations when they change, and my father/stepmother say they send her all of it. Who's right/wrong? I have no idea. But I seriously doubt that my mother would act like she missed her children more than anything, then refrain from calling them if she had the chance. She basically drove herself broke trying to get custody of us, and she is always stressed out about being out of touch with some of her kids.

Basically, when my mother remarried, my stepfather made it very difficult for us to communicate with our father. Until then, my mother even talked to him regularly and he asked if she was doing ok, etc. Once he got there, he would grab the phone from her and yell/curse at my father and basically prevent any communication between them. He's actually in prison now for verbal assault (yeah the whole thing is just bad), but he had ample time to pave the foundation for chaos whenever there was a conflict across both sides of the family, or even something simple that required basic communication (hence the claim from my mother that she didn't know my father was moving to Germany until she heard it from one of us children). Also, both of my step-parents hate eachother and the other parents, and their influence on my parents has developed into a communication void between my mother and father.

Basically, my mother says she wants to stay in touch with my brother/sister, but that because of my father/stepmother, she can't. My father/stepmother both say that they have sent her all of the information, so she is able to contact them at any time. I am probably more inclined to believe either that they are lying, or that because of the lack of proper communication, my mother never got the necessary information, which my Aunt/Uncle recently gave to her, and there is just a misunderstanding.

shakthig:

Your points about my stepmother are spot on, I've really kind of always known her be how you described her, but I guess I reverted to doing what many people do in an argumentative situation -- explain their side of the situation as if will read as clear as day to everyone, when it really doesnt. I do suspect that she understood much of what I said, but that she didn't bother to consider it because of her irrationality and opinionatedness. Either way, your suggestions about how to deal with her are just what I needed to see. That's how I've treated her in the past, often taking a verbal beating for practically nothing, but I suppose I just got tired of it and figured that I deserved to retaliate. It seems that retaliation might not be in my best interest.

As far as my father is concerned, I think you are pretty close. I guess if he IS just being tactful, he must not see things from my point of view very well, unless he expects me to follow the same strategy in dealing with her, which is a possibility. It does make communication/conversation more difficult when there's the underlying feeling that my step mom expects him to see/treat me the same way she would, but I would like to think that he can ignore that.

I have to say that your response was more helpful than I had hoped for. Thanks a lot.

hunterrose:

The problem with that strategy is that she will not subscribe to logic if it doesn't fit her agenda/pre-extisting reasoning, so it can only degenerate into her concluding the same thing she conluded before: that we shouldn't talk to eachother because I just don't get it (or am rude). I did ask her what the real issue was, and she said, "you are the problem."

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tnunamak:

From everything you've said, one fact that is outside your control and unlikely to change is this: your mom and your step-mom always will be suspicious of each other and more than willing to interpret every ambiguous act of the other as a hostile act. I've seen this happen between people: what starts as a small suspicion acts as a self-reinforcing mechanism. There is nothing you can do about it.

You want your mom and your siblings to communicate. My advice would be to facilitate this functionally as much as you can, but leave the rest up to them.

One way to communicate might be online. (A phone-call could mean going through your step-mom, while the internet would be more direct.) That might mean, providing your siblings with contact info for your mom, setting your mom up with email if she does not use it already, giving your mom your siblings's email and IM addresses. There are other things they can do. They could post some latest photos to snapfish etc. and give your mom the access info, so that your mom can see how they look; they could have private blogs,... stuff like that. In all these things, I'd advise you to be the helper and facilitator, not the primary motivator.

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